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July 21-27: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · July 28th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JULY 21

The debate over whether or not cheerleading is an actual sport is complicated: Flipping around in the air shows definite athleticism, but cheering for men to win their games in your underwear is kind of misogynistic (unless men do it — then it’s just gay, which is fine). A federal judge today cast a vote in favor of cheerleading as objectification recreation, ruling that a Connecticut school could not replace its women’s volleyball team with a cheer squad and still satisfy Title IX. The judge wrote in his decision that cheerleading might someday be recognized as an official sport, once it has established seasons, a governing body and an actual goal.

THURSDAY JULY 22

There are times when those of us whose possessions can barely fill a minivan wonder two simple questions: “Who’s looking out for me?” and “Why didn’t I listen to my dad more?” These questions were partially answered today with the appointment of Sen. Sherrod Brown to the Senate Appropriations Committee (answers: “Sen. Sherrod Brown” and “Too much Rock music”). The appointment is expected to benefit Ohioans because lawmakers on the committee are often able to steer funding and projects to their home states, which is how West Virginia got money for a PR campaign to convince its residents that the Internet was real and not just a trick to steal their identities like ATMs do.

FRIDAY JULY 23

If you’re a man who has a brother, then you probably realize how competitive the male-to-male sibling relationship can be — an item as worthless as a plastic blue baseball bat can delay companionship for decades. The Enquirer reported today that the Boehner brothers are in a similar situation, only instead of thinking their brother is a dick for supporting George W.

Bush, Rep. John Boehner’s brothers think it’s awesome that he voted to block an unemployment benefits extension they would have received. The newspaper caught up with Bob Boehner, who is out of work along with another brother and two brothers-in-law, who said no one blames Johnny for voting along party lines and that if any of them really needed money they’d just kick John’s ass and take some from him.

SATURDAY JULY 24

It’s difficult for city leaders to convince young professionals to stay in Cincinnati with places like Portland, Ore., offering an abundance of Democratic representation so many of the things YPs appreciate. That’s why the Cincinnati USA Regional Chamber has developed a 25-question survey to determine just what will inspire Cincinnati’s best and brightest to stay in town (one of the questions is how likely one would be to use the streetcar if it gave them 15 minutes to decide whether to actually go to work or hop off and eat steak at a strip club). Young professionals who complete the survey at www.ihavedisposibleincome.com will be automatically entered into a raffle to win a messenger bag filled with iPods.

SUNDAY JULY 25

If history has shown us anything, it’s that homeowners in Cincinnati have to pay attention to their local governments — when property tax rollbacks get taken away people in Colerain have to budget an extra $65 per year (and that’s not half as bad as losing entire Lexus payments like people in nice neighborhoods). That’s why certain residents of Hyde Park today reacted to the news of a real estate service listing their homes in Oakley by putting down The Wall Street Journal and saying, “Oh, I should think not.” The possible property value depreciation of being classified as an Oak-town resident caused several such Hyde Parkers to note that they paid extra for homes in the neighborhood that doesn’t border Norwood as much.

MONDAY JULY 26

With The Enquirer’s page count shrinking nearly as fast as the size of its editorial staff, it’s good to know that Cincinnati can rely on the publication’s Web presence to make up in funny courtroom stories what it’s losing in real reporting. Today’s instance of water-cooler-talk-presented-as-news was an account of a man getting in trouble for wearing a stupid T-shirt to court. The hilarious story of Municipal Court Judge Bernie Bouchard threatening to send a sleepy defendant to jail for a day also included a biased account of how quickly a judge can decide what to wear to the courtroom on any given day.

TUESDAY JULY 27

There’s no way to know whether the Cincinnati Reds baseball team will be in first or second place when readers pick up this issue of CityBeat — being a weekly publication allows for a limited amount of revenue timeliness. That doesn’t mean that the Reds’ cap won’t still be No. 2 in a national ranking of gang-affiliated hats, which was reported today by an assumedly well-connected Web site called complex.com. The cap, which is red with a wishbone white “C” on it, is said to be repped by Chicago’s 4 Corner Hustlers, who put a “4” in front of the “C” and an “H” inside of it, and Los Angeles’ Bloods, who reportedly rock them strait out of the box. The poll noted that the Reds hat lost popularity among urban youth during the 1990 season because everyone said that if the team was beating you after six innings three white dudes would come into the game and F you up.


FOR IMMEDIATE RESULTS: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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