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July 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · July 21st, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JULY 14

It’s easy to accept that notion that former New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner was smarter than CBS, which sold Steinbrenner sports’ most prized franchise for $8.7 million in 1973. U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning today argued that Steinbrenner, who died today as the owner a franchise worth $1.6 billion, is not only smarter than the station that continues producing How I Met Your Mother but also smarter than everyone who dies in the future. The logic behind the statement by Bunning, who pitched in the majors but chose to continue living afterward, is that dying last year or next year would have cost the Steinbrenner family $500 million due to the temporarily suspended estate tax. Bunning said that if Obama doesn’t continue the Bush tax cuts that the remaining members of the 1961 Yankees would be smart to die soon, too.

THURSDAY JULY 15

If you’ve ever considered purchasing property in Madeira, it’s likely that you only did so briefly because you could only afford half of what a home costs there. Madeira City Council is expected to vote later this summer on whether to help out a development company in a similar predicament by granting a 15-year 50-percent property-tax abatement, and one local resident is posting Barack Obama HOPE-style posters of council members that include words like “TAX ABATER” and “OBEY COUNCIL” in opposition. City Manager Tom Moeller said the posters are being taken down due to the over-commercialization of street art a violation of the zoning code but also noted that one female councilor was particularly offended because her poster looked a lot like Andre the Giant.

FRIDAY JULY 16

Have you ever been forced to use one of your poor friend’s cell phones to make a call only to rub your index finger across the screen and have nothing happen because the phone has actual buttons? Flip-phone owners around the world today were repaid for such bothersome details in their lives, as news spread of the new iPhone’s problem getting a signal if it’s held a certain way.

Apple reportedly used part of the phone’s outer case as an antenna, which sometimes malfunctions when people don’t hold their phone in a cool way (pinky off). Designers noted that covering the spot with a case alleviates the problem, though one engineer admitted that he tried to make the iPhone float around on its own so you could use it without hands.

SATURDAY JULY 17

There are certain drawbacks to utilizing Revolutionary-era period costumes to make a contemporary political point: The costumes are hot, expensive and look really, really dumb. Some might also point out the symbolic irony of dressing up like people who defied a government due to high taxes while being cool with enslaving a race of people (Thomas Jefferson: “First ethical issue first...”). Such concepts haven’t deterred today’s Tea Party representatives from being offended by a Democratic staffer’s distribution of a cartoon depicting them in Ku Klux Klan robes, another period costume only utilized today by crazy people. Tea Party founder Mike Wilson said the party backs black candidates and even refers to those who support the movement the most as “the really, really good ones.”

SUNDAY JULY 18

Contamination of a local waterway is of little concern to those of us who live close enough to the Mill Creek to see firsthand the mild effects it has on human behavior (mostly just keeping people away from the Mill Creek). The Louisville Courier-Journal today reported a situation in the Ohio River so disturbing that even we who live upstream took notice: the feminization of male fish. A new study found dozens of chemicals and pharmaceuticals in the river — including good stuff like antidepressants and bad stuff like veterinary hormones — which outside scientists say should be of concern to humans until we learn to take all of our medicines as prescribed or invent a new liquid that allows us to continue living.

MONDAY JULY 19

Consider this situation: You’re sitting in a chain restaurant enjoying a well-priced burger and a fun, 1950s-era atmosphere when something really cool starts to happen — a woman takes down her shirt, exposes a bosom and then … let’s a baby suck on it! EWWW! Such was the sad state of affairs at Newport on the Levee’s Johnny Rockets location last week, and instead of being congratulated for kicking the child-nourishing woman out of the establishment, managers are now being criticized for treading on the mother’s legal right to breastfeed in public. The woman reportedly took exception to continued complaints by men in the restaurant, noting that the type of man likely to eat at Johnny Rockets should probably consider seeing one boob a day a success.

TUESDAY JULY 20

Americans might be susceptible to certain gimmicks: two-for-one pizzas, all-you-can-eat buffets and 99-cent Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers are all pretty reliable in getting us to open our wallets. President Obama today argued that even the biggest JBC enthusiast isn’t so stupid that he or she won’t try to find future work if offered a minimal salary free for six months, a notion Republicans have used to block an unemployment extension for 2.5 million people since May. Republicans say they’re doing it only to keep down the national debt and that they have a lot of faith in the American public for resisting health-care reform enough to keep the death panels from forming.


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