WEDNESDAY JUNE 16
Some places just aren’t the same without
their gimmicks. You don’t take your kids to Chuck E. Cheese for the
grimy ball pit and seizure-inducing sounds — you come for the dude in
the giant mouse costume (and because for some reason they serve
alcohol). Same goes for the members of Solid Rock Church in Monroe, who
have been assured that the church’s giant Jesus mascot will be rebuilt,
this time out of something that can’t burn unless God really wants it to
happen. The rebuilding of Touchdown Jesus has drawn criticism from some
fellow Christians who believe that bowing down to a 62-foot-tall
stressed-out savior is a violation of the Second Commandment, though
church leaders say the positive feedback about the rebuild has far
outweighed the negative and that Jesus wasn’t crying but just
had something in his eye.
THURSDAY JUNE 17
It’s kind of awkward for a straight man
to consider the benefits of being gay: On one hand men are more likely
to have sex on a first date, but in order to take advantage of that you
have to be willing to have sex with a man. (See?) A Columbus Dispatch
story today made even the most experimental of us feel more secure in
our heterosexuality, mostly because it was about medical and sick leave
benefits and not about how easy it is to stop by Club Bronz for a free
drink (much obliged, boys!). At issue is a new plan to extend certain
benefits to state workers who have live-in relationships even if their
private parts aren’t the same. Against the idea is Citizens for
Community Values leader Phil Burress, whose official statement on the
issue included a disturbing metaphor about the ends of an extension cord
not fitting together if each has three dicks.
FRIDAY JUNE 18
There are obvious drawbacks to
Cincinnati’s proposed streetcar line: It costs money, drives through bad
parts of town and has been successful in
city that has built one just the 1920s.
Enquirer today pointed out another potential glitch in the plan: a
reduction of the required number of parking spaces per residential unit
along the route. The reasoning, according to someone assumed to be a
well-meaning reporter, is that because a landlord doesn’t have to
provide spaces he or she will instead utilize the YP-friendly
phrase, “Y’all can ride the streetcar to the Clifton IGA!” The spaces
are likely to stay, as pointed out by anti-trolley activists who argue
that no one is going to live downtown without a car until the streetcar
line extends to a Target store.
SATURDAY JUNE 19
When we at WWE! look at an Enquirer
headline we’re never surprised to see a pun. But even we were
disappointed today to read a story titled, “Where in the world is
Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory?” without the corresponding image of a
crowd of people and one dude wearing a red-and-white striped sweater and
hat. The story instead was about Mallory’s frequent travels, many of
which have brought positive attention and direct revenue to the city.
The story described Mallory getting awards in Oklahoma City, persuading
DARE officials in Los Angeles to bring a convention here and convincing
Nick Lachey to keep doing phone commercials for another year because
they boost shopping morale.
SUNDAY JUNE 20
If you’re the type of person whose
favorite food is “something that is meaningless,” then you’re likely a
seriously depressed hippie really big
comic book fan. You’re also probably familiar with the character
“Domo,” the spiky-toothed anime guy with a strong dislike for apples
(something in his DNA), and you’re probably also excited to learn that
local comic book fans are bringing a Comic Expo to Cincinnati this year.
The Cincinnati Comic Expo will take place at the Cintas Center Sept.
18, according to reports from the planet Tau
Cygna V The Enquirer, which also published
information on local restaurants and entertainment and a sidebar on how
to talk to girls.
MONDAY JUNE 21
People who live in the biggest and most
expensive houses in Hamilton County are assumed to have a lot of perks
in life — lots of those homes have swimming pools! The Enquirer today
reported that David Pepper’s new plan to offset the county’s decreasing
stadium-tax revenue could come at the expense of a rich people (no, not
Indian Hill’s lush wilderness, but it is very nice!). Pepper’s plan is
to limit the size of a property tax rollback voters agreed to in 1996,
which means that instead of $1,000 refunds rich people would receive
something more like the $63 the average homeowner gets back. (Just
kidding! It won’t be that
bad! Ha!) Other plans include increasing the sales tax (Todd Portune),
cutting a hospital subsidy (Greg Hartmann) and betting the 2013 budget
on black once the downtown casino is open (Pete Rose).
TUESDAY JUNE 22
It’s hot outside, and if you didn’t
already know this then three statements are probably true: 1) You're
extremely lazy; 2) you never go outside; and 3) your air conditioning is
the shiznit. The city health commissioner today said that people like
you are best suited for surviving the current heat emergency, as his
advice includes consuming lots of water, decreasing physical activity
and whenever possible drinking Coors Lite instead of real beer because
it won’t really mess you up.
comments powered by Disqus