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June 16-22: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 23rd, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JUNE 16

Some places just aren’t the same without their gimmicks. You don’t take your kids to Chuck E. Cheese for the grimy ball pit and seizure-inducing sounds — you come for the dude in the giant mouse costume (and because for some reason they serve alcohol). Same goes for the members of Solid Rock Church in Monroe, who have been assured that the church’s giant Jesus mascot will be rebuilt, this time out of something that can’t burn unless God really wants it to happen. The rebuilding of Touchdown Jesus has drawn criticism from some fellow Christians who believe that bowing down to a 62-foot-tall stressed-out savior is a violation of the Second Commandment, though church leaders say the positive feedback about the rebuild has far outweighed the negative and that Jesus wasn’t crying but just had something in his eye.

THURSDAY JUNE 17

It’s kind of awkward for a straight man to consider the benefits of being gay: On one hand men are more likely to have sex on a first date, but in order to take advantage of that you have to be willing to have sex with a man. (See?) A Columbus Dispatch story today made even the most experimental of us feel more secure in our heterosexuality, mostly because it was about medical and sick leave benefits and not about how easy it is to stop by Club Bronz for a free drink (much obliged, boys!). At issue is a new plan to extend certain benefits to state workers who have live-in relationships even if their private parts aren’t the same. Against the idea is Citizens for Community Values leader Phil Burress, whose official statement on the issue included a disturbing metaphor about the ends of an extension cord not fitting together if each has three dicks.

FRIDAY JUNE 18

There are obvious drawbacks to Cincinnati’s proposed streetcar line: It costs money, drives through bad parts of town and has been successful in every city that has built one just the 1920s.

The Enquirer today pointed out another potential glitch in the plan: a reduction of the required number of parking spaces per residential unit along the route. The reasoning, according to someone assumed to be a well-meaning reporter, is that because a landlord doesn’t have to provide spaces he or she will instead utilize the YP-friendly phrase, “Y’all can ride the streetcar to the Clifton IGA!” The spaces are likely to stay, as pointed out by anti-trolley activists who argue that no one is going to live downtown without a car until the streetcar line extends to a Target store.

SATURDAY JUNE 19

When we at WWE! look at an Enquirer headline we’re never surprised to see a pun. But even we were disappointed today to read a story titled, “Where in the world is Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory?” without the corresponding image of a crowd of people and one dude wearing a red-and-white striped sweater and hat. The story instead was about Mallory’s frequent travels, many of which have brought positive attention and direct revenue to the city. The story described Mallory getting awards in Oklahoma City, persuading DARE officials in Los Angeles to bring a convention here and convincing Nick Lachey to keep doing phone commercials for another year because they boost shopping morale.

SUNDAY JUNE 20

If you’re the type of person whose favorite food is “something that is meaningless,” then you’re likely a seriously depressed hippie really big comic book fan. You’re also probably familiar with the character “Domo,” the spiky-toothed anime guy with a strong dislike for apples (something in his DNA), and you’re probably also excited to learn that local comic book fans are bringing a Comic Expo to Cincinnati this year. The Cincinnati Comic Expo will take place at the Cintas Center Sept. 18, according to reports from the planet Tau Cygna V The Enquirer, which also published information on local restaurants and entertainment and a sidebar on how to talk to girls.

MONDAY JUNE 21

People who live in the biggest and most expensive houses in Hamilton County are assumed to have a lot of perks in life — lots of those homes have swimming pools! The Enquirer today reported that David Pepper’s new plan to offset the county’s decreasing stadium-tax revenue could come at the expense of a rich people (no, not Indian Hill’s lush wilderness, but it is very nice!). Pepper’s plan is to limit the size of a property tax rollback voters agreed to in 1996, which means that instead of $1,000 refunds rich people would receive something more like the $63 the average homeowner gets back. (Just kidding! It won’t be that bad! Ha!) Other plans include increasing the sales tax (Todd Portune), cutting a hospital subsidy (Greg Hartmann) and betting the 2013 budget on black once the downtown casino is open (Pete Rose).

TUESDAY JUNE 22

It’s hot outside, and if you didn’t already know this then three statements are probably true: 1) You're extremely lazy; 2) you never go outside; and 3) your air conditioning is the shiznit. The city health commissioner today said that people like you are best suited for surviving the current heat emergency, as his advice includes consuming lots of water, decreasing physical activity and whenever possible drinking Coors Lite instead of real beer because it won’t really mess you up.


SAY HI: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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