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June 9-15: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 16th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JUNE 9

If you’ve ever tried to get service in Hyde Park while wearing a non-collared shirt, you know how difficult residents of this esteemed neighborhood can be (sorry, bud, thought it was pronounced “Smith-wicks”). One local business owner is feeling the political pain that such people can bring, as his request for rezoning to allow three properties to use a parking lot they all touch was handily opposed on Tuesday (20 Hyde Park residents inside City Hall = uprising). At issue is the precedent set if the owner turns one of the residential properties into a business (even though he agreed not to) and ruins the residential character of the block (which is very nice). Members of Council’s Livable Communities Committee said the concern was unwarranted but agreed with one resident’s opinion that the idea of a KFC and Taco Bell in the same location is unsavory.

THURSDAY JUNE 10

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell how fast a car is going — one minute you’re nonchalantly crossing Fifth Street after a Reds game, the next minute a BMW mirror smashes your arm on its way back to Mason. Such is the type of faulty judgment that concerns two Northern Ohio lawmakers working on bills to require police officers to use some form of technology to determine an automobile’s speed. The bills are in response to a recent Ohio Supreme Court ruling that allows officers to testify that an individual was ticketed for driving too fast and not just because he had a Grateful Dead sticker on his car.

FRIDAY JUNE 11

For most journalists, uncovering heinous corruption or shining light on a story that demonstrates the subtleties of the human condition is the basis for their professional goals. Not so much for those at The Enquirer, whose editors get excited about funny arrest stories like they just heard a light was on at the Watergate Hotel.

Today’s edition of “What a Fucking Idiot, 2010” was titled “Fizz goes out of Kroger cola caper,” which only the most dedicated Enquirer reader understood as something other than a bad writer’s bad sense of humor. The story is assumed to have not been funny to the families of those charged with the crimes but was pretty good to those of us who make money by making fun of The Enquirer’s site when it’s not frozen by pictures of lizards.

SATURDAY JUNE 12

Those of us whose heavy moderate drinking has long been justified by anxiety and existential crisis health benefits were bummed to learn today that a new study is challenging the idea of alcohol protecting heart health. According to a new report, the benefits of moderate alcohol consumption don’t come from moderate alcohol consumption itself but from the lifestyle lived by people who only consume alcohol moderately. Moderate drinkers are likely to have a high social status, exercise more and better overall health than those who don’t drink (antisocial people/dorks) or abuse alcohol (irresponsible people/Covington residents). The finding has also upset thousands of male Baby Boomers who thought drinking one glass of red wine a day made them feel more gay than their health was worth.

SUNDAY JUNE 13

It’s 9 a.m. on a Monday, do you know where your National Rifle Association Ohio representative is? If you said “probably out by the Ohio-West Virginia border talking mass shit,” you’d be correct. But if you added, “about endorsing a Democrat,” you’d also be right. The NRA today officially endorsed Gov. Ted Strickland (D-Gun Town) over challenger John Kasich, who has since been described in GOP circles as “Little Gun Johnny.” The NRA included in its endorsement an A-plus rating for Strickland, though some members admitted they were afraid Kasich would lose and then Strickland would get mad and take the guns out of their hands before they were dead.

MONDAY JUNE 14

When we at WWE! first heard that the vuvuzela instrument was causing controversy at the World Cup soccer tournament in South Africa, our first thought was to turn the story into some type of hornblower reference. But after considerable deliberation — and several inappropriate google searches — we decided that too many CityBeat employees would be offended by such a joke (lots of soccer fans). Apparently the vuvuzela is an extremely loud horn that has become a tradition at South African sporting events and is interrupting World Cup matches. The tournament’s governing body has reportedly considered banning the horns but only because Italian fans are using them to hide the childish insults their players use on the field (such as hornblower).

TUESDAY JUNE 15

There are few images more disturbing than the savior of mankind nailed to a couple pieces of wood with blood on his face — considering crucifixion will make even the most disinterested non-Christian feel guilty for getting super mad every time the Internet is being slow. God today offered humanity another image to think about when he smote the 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus outside Solid Rock Church in Monroe, setting ablaze a monument that has become known to locals as “Touchdown Jesus” for its resemblance to a football referee signaling a touchdown. The statue is expected to be resurrected in the shape of Jesus dunking a basketball so the hoop can extend high into the sky and also function as a lightning rod.


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