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June 2-8: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 9th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY JUNE 2

If you were to believe 1980s stereotypes, college fraternities and sororities would be a bunch of mean rich kids adored by administrators even though they’re total dicks to everyone else (you might also believe that red cars are cool and black men are scary). The Enquirer reported today that Miami University, the college at the forefront of proving that frat boys and sorority girls are still as one-dimensional as they were in Animal House, last week put a third sorority on probation — this one for getting wasted, trashing a charter bus and calling the bus driver a derogatory word meaning homosexual (one witness said it was the term “queerdo” that pushed him over the edge). The probation will limit the sorority during the next year to hosting alcohol-free social events in order to show each member how stupid and boring their friends are.

THURSDAY JUNE 3

Those of us who drive to work every day listening to Mike McConnell preach the gospel of individual responsibility and the occasional lunch hour tuned into Bill Cunningham’s mild racism understand how lucky Cincinnati is to have such talented broadcasters gracing our airwaves. The Enquirer reported today that local angry white men listeners might be disappointed later this summer, as both McConnell and Cunningham are rumored to be interested in taking their right-wing cliches thoughtful views of America to Chicago. Neither host would comment on the possibility of leaving 700 WLW, though Station Director Darryl Parks said Tracy Jones’ skills in asking women how big their boobs are could easily fill both time slots.

FRIDAY JUNE 4

We at WWE! get invited to a lot of weddings — we’re known for giving really great speeches that combine biblical references with relevant lyrics from Rap songs (the book of Matthew sounds tight if you add a couple dizzles).

A local wedding last Sunday resulted in more than just significantly confused attendees, partly because a homeless man interacted with the bridal party but mostly because City Councilman Jeff Berding used the situation to be his usually douchey self. Berding responded to the arrest of the man — whom the bride described as shaking his change cup in celebration of her 50 percent chance of not getting divorced — by creating new instructions for homeless shelters to officially discourage panhandling. Berding said that homelessness activists shouldn’t be concerned about the loss of income, noting that he's often able to choose between the chicken and ribs at Montgomery Inn without using any words.

SATURDAY JUNE 5

It is well documented that House GOP Leader John Boehner dislikes certain things, such as government spending, social service handouts and hairstyles derived later than 1982. Today the West Chester resident offered his grumpy opinion all the way back to the motherland, criticizing Rock legend Paul McCartney for a recent burn on George W. Bush. McCartney last week received a songwriting award at a White House event, but instead of saying, “Thanks a lot, America, you guys rock!” the former Beatle said, “After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is.” Boehner said the comment demeaned America and then criticized McCartney for saying all people need is love and for supporting socialized medicine.

SUNDAY JUNE 6

Those of us whose seizure-alert levels raise from orange to red at the mere thought of a credit card terms of service change (“To reject your 29 percent interest-rate raise call us by tomorrow, otherwise fuck you”), the idea of something as small as a $5,000 debt is most disturbing. City Manager Milton Dohoney today performed the equivalent of postdating a TOS change to City Hall, informing council via a 40-page budget development document that a $50 million deficit looms and that there are no 2011 elections to justify ignoring it for another year. Dohoney didn’t specify how council should correct the problem but wrote a mean-sounding note at the top about Leslie Ghiz riding a scooter to work that didn’t make sense to anybody.

MONDAY JUNE 7

Depending on what part of Cincinnati you’re in, the drive to a local chili restaurant can be really short (West Side) or fairly long (downtown after 3 p.m.). A new business venture described in today’s Enquirer — in a story that also used the word “evermore” in an impressive journalistic tribute to Edgar Allan Poe-era prose — is attempting to make getting chili a little easier for all of us. The Gold Star Chili Chilimobile is a red and yellow truck shaped like a penis equipped with its own steam table, grill and fryer. Gold Star Director of Marketing Charlie Howard said the company is proud to offer the delivery of hot, fresh chili to people at public events and those who don’t have a car or are too fat to get into one.

TUESDAY JUNE 8

Most people would agree that there are good reasons to criticize the Middle East: bad weather, difficult pronunciations and a highway infrastructure crappier than Connecticut’s (do your part, Hartford!). The Vatican today brought up a less popular criticism: the fact that Christians don’t feel comfortable there. Pope Benedict XVI said the international community is ignoring the plight of the Christians (ha) and that the line between religion and politics is blurred in Muslim countries, unlike places where they write it on the money so everybody knows who the real God is.


E-MAIL OPINIONS AND NON-PATENTED INVENTIONS TO: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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