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May 26-31: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 2nd, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MAY 26

Most people return home after a nice dinner at a restaurant such as, say, The Cheesecake Factory feeling pretty good about themselves (they have stuff other than cheesecake). According to USA Today, these people would feel less awesome about their decision/lifestyle if somebody had pointed out before the meal that certain dishes have as many as 2,500 calories and 85 grams of saturated fat. The un-seam-ly details (get it?) were released by a Washington-based consumer group that, in addition to The Cheesecake Factory’s Pasta Carbonara with Chicken, also documented items like Bob Evans’ Cinnamon Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes, which checked in at 1,380 calories, and P.F. Chang’s Double Pan-Fried Noodles Combo at 1,820 calories. The next issue of the public-interest center’s Nutrition Action Healthletter is expected to give up on tracking sodium counts and just advise people to eat halves of Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers at a time.

THURSDAY MAY 27

There are a lot of places that we at WWE! would consider “victim zones,” including but not limited to shark-infested waters, dark alleys and credit-card kiosks on college campuses. The state of Ohio today added drinking establishments to its unofficial list via a 23-10 vote to allow citizens with the proper permits to carry firearms in bars. Citing the hypocrisy of believing in a citizen’s right to bear arms except in places where people get wasted, federal employees work or the government insures lots of money, the Republican-led Senate decided that firearm possession is no longer a treadable offense, even around drunk people. The measure passed despite concern from groups representing Ohio sheriffs and police chiefs, though even they conceded that women should be allowed to pack heat whenever Ben Roethlisberger enters a bar.

FRIDAY MAY 28

Most children only have to experience the pain of touching a hot stove one time before they learn two very important lessons about life: The oven is scary and hot things aren’t always red.

The AP today reported bad news for a collection of adults who still haven’t mastered such primitive survival skills: people who use tanning beds. The latest statistics regarding the effects of burning one’s skin with light bulbs found that there certainly does exist a connection between participating in such idiocy and developing melanoma. According to new research, people who have used a tanning bed at least once are 74 percent more likely to develop the disease, those who tanned for more than 10 years are twice as likely as someone who prefers a more natural form of skin coloring and knows that standing outside in the sun is free.

SATURDAY MAY 29

Those of us who grew up in Cincinnati’s northern suburbs are used to being able to get anything we need via a short trip down I-275: Hunting gear? Check. Used cars? Yes. Quality modern furniture for a fraction of the price? You betcha. It turns out that in addition to these “legal” items, it’s surprisingly convenient for residents as far north as West Chester to score illegal drugs like weed. The Drug Enforcement Administration today kicked in the doors of six suburban houses in places like West Chester and Hyde Park, presumably harshing many a suburban buzz. The DEA said the arrests weren’t related to busts in Madisonville and Clermont County last week. A witness to the West Chester bust described the scene as, “Not at all groovy … a little trippy … very weird.”

SUNDAY MAY 30

The city of Cincinnati has made its share of mistakes throughout the years, perhaps none more catastrophic than the 1976 trade of Tony Perez mid-1800s decision to forego railroad development because of all the free water flowing around. The Enquirer today reported that proponents of the 3C rail network view its construction as just as important as the rails that weren’t built back then. Today’s version would potentially result in high-speed trains connecting Cincinnati to Chicago and other places that succeeded once Cincinnati failed. The 110- to 150-mph trains, envisioned to be increasing tourism to even places like Gary, Ind., by the 2020s, are expected to provide free WiFi for people who use super-old computers.

MONDAY MAY 31

Winston Churchill once said, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat,” a phrase bursting at the seams (literally) with honor, modesty and inspiration. If a similar description of oneself were to be made by Chad Ochocinco, the Cincinnati Bengals’ slightly different version of a leader, it would also include a list of TV shows to which he is willing to dedicate his sweat and tears (literally). The Enquirer today reported the creation of Ocho’s newest reality show: VH1’s Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch, which will allow No. 85 to meet 85 women who want to date him (figuratively). The Ultimate Catch will be Ochocinco’s third reality show in a year and is expected to be followed by a similarly mediocre football season … until the Bengals win the Super Bowl! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!

TUESDAY JUNE 1

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