We at WWE! are admittedly afraid of many things: Rollercoasters, angry PR representatives and our fathers after Bengals games are all pretty high on our lists of things to avoid. But there is one entity that scares us so badly that even the mention of its name strikes fear into the most brave part of our hearts: North Korea. The terrifying sanction-avoiding nation today responded to insinuations from the global community that it sank a South Korean ship with a resounding, “If you punish us it means all out war.” (ALL OUT WAR!) North Korean naval spokesman Col. Pak In Ho also noted that the evidence of North Korea’s involvement in the ship was fabricated by South Korea (that’s not war-worthy?) and that his warships make America’s submarines look like “little tiny cock and balls.”
THURSDAY MAY 20
While many people in Cincinnati spent the last few weeks thinking, “Why aren’t we cool enough to get a Shepard Fairey mural in our neighborhood?” the
eternally drunk always-friendly folks down in Covington today said “Aww hale naw” to the street artist’s latest work, resulting in Fairey’s “Duality of Humanity 4 Pike Street Mural” to be painted over after just two days. The local business that petitioned for/ ruined the mural was MAC Productions, an audiovisual company on Pike Street that says it thought street art would look more like graffiti and less like a poster an angsty teenager made in art class. The business is reportedly now concerned because a guy walking down the street wearing a Rage Against the Machine T-shirt said the art he painted over was worth a million dollars.
FRIDAY MAY 21
It’s funny how comparable the beliefs are of Republicans, Libertarians and the average grandparent in America (freedom good, rice-based dishes bad). but even during an era of such reliable judgments, Republican politician/Libertarian son Rand Paul continues to defy convention — from decrying parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act to criticizing the government for criticizing the BP oil spill
SATURDAY MAY 22
Those of us whose hearts occasionally beat faster than normal generally appreciate the peace of mind that comes when a doctor prescribes a visit to an expert or a healthy dose of pain killers. That can no longer be said for patients at Christ Hospital, which today agreed to a $108 million settlement over claims it illegally paid cardiologists to refer patients to the hospital. The deal allows Christ Hospital and Health Alliance of Greater Cincinnati, which included Christ Hospital at the time of the allegations (d'oh!), to deny all wrongdoing except the pain its board of directors will feel when they look at next year’s budget.
SUNDAY MAY 23
There’s an old saying that goes something like, “That guy with all the money has the world by its balls.” And although it’s a pretty lewd statement (not to mention a fairly rudimentary wrestling hold), it’s apt to describe football player Brett Favre’s power over his former team, the Minnesota Vikings. Favre today squeezed his ball-filled fist a little bit, declaring that if the Southern Mississippi baseball team earns its way to the College World Series he will play another year in the NFL. Southern Miss, like Favre’s 41-year-old arm, is almost good enough to succeed but probably won’t. Should the baseball team fail to make the playoffs Favre is expected to ask Vikings’ running back Adrian Peterson to run naked through the University of Minnesota campus while Favre chases him carrying women’s clothing.
MONDAY MAY 24
There are good times and bad times for bad ideas to be considered, but according to Mary Krumdieck of Mount Airy right now is one of the bad times for investing in a streetcar (which is also a bad idea anytime). The Enquirer today used Krumdiek’s logically impaired comment “I just think it’s a bad idea at a bad time. A very bad time” to sum up an Enquirer poll that shows Cincinnatians oppose the streetcar project by a 2-to-1 margin. It is assumed that reporter Barry Horstman used the quote because he couldn’t get anyone to go on the record with “mofucker drives through black neighborhoods both ways!”
TUESDAY MAY 25
When God reigns his disapprovals down from the heavens in the form of natural disasters there’s really nothing anyone can do except blame gay people for making him so angry. Local out-of-state utility company Duke Energy believes otherwise, today fighting resistance to its proposed $28.5 million rate hike to pay for costs associated with the Hurricane Ike windstorm of 2008. The Ohio Consumers’ Counsel last week declared horseshit on the hike, pointing out that Duke paid more than $17 million to fix all the stuff it owns in Indiana that God smashed and also noting that private companies aren’t entitled to automatic recovery of losses (one lawyer off the record compared the idea to a pro-gay bailout). Duke said there’s nothing it can do because it already tried to collect the money from the owners of Club Bronz but they didn’t have enough.
E-MAIL CANCELED. TRY CALLlNG.