Sometimes it’s easy for people in charge to act like they don’t know anything about the heinous things people do on their watch (CityBeat intern writes good story — we helped; CityBeat intern tells a blog commenter to “eat a dick” — we knew nothing). Miami University President David Hodge today did his best Head of FEMA impression, responding to a recent series of embarrassing sorority incidents with a straight-faced, “They did what?!?” The latest example of a Miami sorority totally not acting like a Miami sorority involved sneaking booze into an event at the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center and the consequent barfing, urinating on artifacts and general dickishness known to similarly distinguished members of society. Hodge called for changes in the standards for Greek organizations at the school, most notably disallowing Beer Pong rematches because even the winners get wasted.
THURSDAY MAY 13
Speaking of being hypocritically shocked and appalled, those of us whose blood alcohol levels are normally above .08 when doing our work (a
bottle glass of pinot noir nicely complements weekly writing duties) were disappointed to learn today that a Monroe village councilman was arrested last week for public intoxication after registering just a .051. Councilman Bruce Miller was cited just down the street from an assumedly upscale establishment called Vic’s Bar after police acted on a tip called into the mayor’s office. Police Chief Heath Kilburn, who booked Miller despite the one-drink-level BAL, described the councilman’s eyes as bloodshot and glassy and his speech impaired, though sources within the department say Kilburn was just mad at Miller for ordering a girly drink, asking for an extra lime and then only tipping the bartender 50 cents.
FRIDAY MAY 14
If you sent an outsider on a drive through Hyde Park it is likely that he or she would come away thinking, “Dang, what a lovely neighborhood I’ll never be able to afford rent in.” The Community Press today reported that Hyde Park residents and neighborhood council members have a different view of the ’hood, as many are upset with the recent additions of a center turn lane and bike lanes on Erie Avenue.
The discontent could impact proposed plans for re-striping Observatory Avenue, with neighborhood council members stumping for marked lanes that direct poor people back in the direction of I-75.
SATURDAY MAY 15
People who work at progressive, socially conscious businesses like CityBeat know that sacrifices come with such morally sound careers (we recently gave up toilet paper and the new bedets are all tickly). The AP reported today that like in the journalism world — where in theory you’re doing something for society’s greater good but the poverty-level pay forces you to live and dress like a hobo — professionals in Ohio’s green technology field are finding low wages waiting for them in their growing industry. The good news, according to the governor’s office, is that there are no economic alternatives to green technology so the jobs won’t go away just because people are so stupid they’ll drive SUVs until the price of gas goes up a dollar and then buy a Honda.
SUNDAY MAY 16
Sometimes despite the
idiocy and ridiculousness opposing viewpoint offered by members of the Cincinnati Tea Party one must give them credit (they’ve been spelling “Hussein” correctly more and more often lately). The local chapter today began its latest foray into the mockery of big government by actually attempting to read the healthcare bill in three days, which is the amount of time lawmakers had before voting in support of it. The idea — to work in shifts to finish the 2,000-page document in 72 hours — has been praised by opponents of healthcare/Obama, though it has been reported that Tea Party organizers are concerned that some people on the first shift actually liked what they read and decided to shut the hell up about it.
MONDAY MAY 17
If you were to ask even the biggest idiot you know (anybody friends with Jeff Berding?), he would respond to the question of “Hey, man, want to invest in Chrysler?” with a completely serious, “Less than I’d rather poop in my own bed.” The U.S. government today learned that its bailout of Chrysler will result in losses of $1.6 billion, figuratively soiling the federal government’s sleeping area. Larry Summers, head of the National Economic Council, defended the Chrysler loan, noting that continued job loss in the auto industry would have turned several cities into even worse places than Detroit. He later admitted that he once bought his 16-year-old a P.T. Cruiser and the kid hates him now.
TUESDAY MAY 18
We, as humans, often make bad decisions — atomic bomb, plastic bag, American Idol, etc. The Enquirer reported today that people who live near the Rumpke landfill in Colerain Township are pretty bummed about the decision to bury the garbage created by 2 million residents and 20,000 businesses in a giant pile near their homes. Recent news of expansion, in addition to a possible underground fire and the way garbage smells when piled 1,000-feet high, concerns many of the 17,000 people who live within a two-mile radius. Rumpke says its exemption from zoning doesn’t make it a bad corporate neighbor but more of a public utility that cares about people’s property value about as much as cats care about their owners’ furniture.
E-MAIL SUPPORT FOR BOMBS, BAGS AND IDOL TO: email@example.com