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May 5-11: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · May 12th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MAY 5

University of Cincinnati researchers today admitted that a drug they thought helped treat diabetes might not do what it’s supposed to do but could aid in the fight against cancer instead. George Thomas, scientific director of UC’s Metabolic Diseases Institute, and colleagues reportedly learned that the drug metformin actually works through a different set of enzymes to suppress the tumor growth process. Thomas said he hoped his researchers will stop figuring out new uses for his drugs so he can pocket enough money from the pharmaceutical companies to spend his time worrying about more pressing issues like how to fit his golf clubs into an Audi coupe without scratching up the roof.

THURSDAY MAY 6

Billboards have been popping up all over our intolerant and borderline God-crazy spot on the map of this once great nation that paraphrase MC Hammer’s timeless sentiment, “you’ve got to pray just to make it today.” Annamarie Short, the billboard project coordinator, said, “Our main goal is that we want to ask people to pray in Christian unity at 3 p.m. each day, the hour Christ died … if people can look at a billboard and be reminded to give a prayer at 3 p.m. — even a moment of silent prayer — then we have been successful.” This quote was quite perplexing to many Cincinnatians, who most often save their petitions to the Lord until after leaving the bar, trying to drive home without getting a DUI and praying to Sweet Baby Jesus that the pizza man shows up before they pass out and miss snackin’ time.

FRIDAY MAY 7

Louisville-based amusement park Kentucky Kingdom will not reopen this summer according to Harold Workman, president of the Kentucky State Fair board. yes, loyal readers, the following is his real quote courtesy of The Louisville Courier Journal: “We’re working real hard (to reopen) … under some scenario.” The article neglects to mention what scenario might or might not have contributed to the park going bankrupt, putting many local folks out of jobs and dicking the state out of hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax revenue.

Those of us who don’t watch CNBC or pay attention to what people who have money say have narrowed the possibilities down to two: Either Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom had a lack of tasty options in the food court or a 16-year-old got her feet ripped off whilst riding the “Superman Tower of Power” back in 2007. It’s hard to tell.

SATURDAY MAY 8

The foldy paper full of graphics that even the wake-n-bake crowd can’t figure out (more popularly known as USA Today) today came out with some totally gnarly and colorful graphs depicting how the bajillion gallons of oil pumping out of BP Interesting Oil executives’ pockets and into the Gulf of Mexico will flow. Stunned by this journalistic endeavor, CityBeat has reportedly begun production on a more complex graph with the y-axis showing the balance of the WWE! expense account and the x-axis representing how often Seagram’s gets spilled across our keyboard.

SUNDAY MAY 9

The New York Times today published an enthralling op-ed column by Paul Krugman entitled “Sex & Drugs & the Spill.” Seeking an answer to the question on everybody’s minds — “Who shit the bed down in the bayou?” — sounds plausible to any sensible American. The author deftly points out that “for years, the Minerals Management Service, the arm of the Interior Department that oversees drilling in the gulf, minimized the environmental risks of drilling. It failed to require a backup shutdown system that is standard in much of the rest of the world, even though its own staff declared such a system necessary.” Krugman also cites a report from the Interior Department stating there was “a culture of substance abuse and promiscuity” within the department, including cocaine use and sexual relationships with industry representatives. Almost as disastrous is the sad fact that the above-named agency never hosted a job fair in this area.

MONDAY MAY 10

The Tacoma News Tribune today relayed anonymous testimony from two Seattle Mariners players who said that former Reds overpaid-underachiever Ken Griffey Jr. recently missed an opportunity to pinch-hit for his team because he was asleep in the clubhouse. Reds fans who witnessed Griffey’s often lethargic, less-than-interested persona during his tenure in Cincinnati might not be so surprised to hear his, but manager Don Wakamatsu was reportedly livid. The respected skipper noted that if the physical stress of not playing the field and being a millionaire designated hitter was so great, Griffey could at least have napped at the plate like the rest of the team has so far this season.

TUESDAY MAY 11

Local media whore/aging wide-receiver Chad Ocho Cinco is apparently still on Dancing With the Stars … or Dancing With Escorts … or whatever that network calls that show they air on some night at some special time. Ocho Cinco has reportedly been taking the event quite seriously, working on such delicate dances as the “Explain to Reporters Why I Can’t Catch More Than Two balls in a Playoff Game.” The Enquirer reports that Ocho Cinco is among the last five contestants on the show, which is somewhat of a new sensation to him since each year in the NFL he and his partners are eliminated way earlier in the competition.


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