Size Is Everything
Trojan’s “Magnum” condoms would seem to be a product that sells itself. A tagline like (and we’re paraphrasing here) “For the big-dicked man” should be all the marketing needed for the extra-large condom brand (or any product, for that matter — it’s worked wonders for companies that make oversized trucks and SUVs, for example). But, in response to unsolicited name-drops in Rap songs by Eminem and Lil Wayne, the mega-rubber makers are now soliciting Rap songs that center around the extra-large dong-wrappers.
Those with the skills and lyrics about jumbo jimmy hats can go to magnumlivelarge.com, download backing tracks, record their rhymes and then upload their entries for a chance to win $5,000, a trip to a Hip Hop festival and the opportunity to be congratulated by officially-sanctioned figurehead Ludacris onstage. “We’re looking for songs that encompass the Magnum lifestyle and what it means to live large — not just the size of the condom or what it’s put on but what it means to live large across the board,” a spokesperson told The New York Times. “We’re saying, ‘You know how to handle your business and we want to give you an opportunity to celebrate that level of understanding.’ ”
Sadly, like orange, nothing rhymes with magnum.
But “rig cleanness” does rhyme with “big penis,” so get writing, young MC (if you use our rhyme, we only want the five grand — you're more than welcome go to the concert and have Ludacris say, “Thanks for the giant cock sock lyrics,” in front of thousands of people).
“Intellectual” Is a Relative Term
The White House has released the responses the newly appointed Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator received when she asked for ideas about regulation and enforcement. It’s a mighty interesting read for those concerned about copyright issues — if you have time to browse through the gazillion opinions offered up (check ‘em out a whitehouse.gov). Both sides (the pro-harsher-punishment crowd and the let-it-be folks) make some valid arguments, but the hyperbole provides the best entertainment.
The Songwriters Guild of America complained that even though Internet copyright piracy “dwarfs” crimes like bank robbery, the FBI doesn’t pursue IP issues with as much gusto. Ridiculous, but rather tame and reasonable compared to some responses, like the lengthy one from Mississippi’s Attorney General, which opens by wondering why the death of a child makes headlines but “when a teen buys a pirated compact disc, most citizens do not view that act as harmful.” Does anyone actually believe illegally downloading a Lady Gaga song is equivalent to robbing a bank or that someone caught buying a Jay-Z CD on a street corner deserves the media attention given to a dead kid? That would be like us suggesting that such fear mongering is a tactic taken straight from the Al Qaeda playbook.
Prince Charming Becomes King Cranky
It makes sense that a onetime musical superstar from the ’80s might attack a more contemporary superstar in order to lure back that long-gone spotlight. But the key word is “contemporary.” Alternative music pioneer Adam Ant is working on a new album and, perhaps because his last high-profile appearance in the press was in late 2003 when he was arrested for going nutso in a London pub, he’s decided to take on one of the biggest bands in the world … circa 1995.
In an interview with Web site thequietus.com, Ant rips on non-existent Brit band Oasis and challenges singer Liam Gallagher to a fight (he’s also written a song about the band’s brothers, allegedly). Edgy! Picking up on the cue, the members of Bananarama challenged Elastica to an arm-wrestling match and Haircut 100 says they’re preparing a comeback concept album about what a bunch of dorks the guys in Blur are.