Barfing in a front of a dude on a first date isn’t necessarily a relationship death sentence. Hooking up with a guy on the first night doesn’t automatically make you a slut. Dating a nice guy isn’t a subscription to Boringtown, USA and vanilla sex. Having done more than my fair share of time in the sexual battlefield, I’m here to give you some real life advice and debunk some antediluvian dating myths of yore.
1. Follow your gut: If red flags are going off in your head about a dude, it’s probably because something is amiss, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it yet. Is he overly charming? Chances are you’re not the only girl he’s showering with affection and trying to put his penis into. Does he lie to you about stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter? Imagine the big shit he’s not telling you. Shady is a warning sign, lady! They don’t call it woman’s intuition for nothing.
2. Have sex when you want to: Fuck the three date rule! Do it when it feels right to you. Maybe you wanna wait a month, or seven. Fine. Maybe you wanna jump his bones that night. Go ahead. Double standard be damned; it’s 2010, woman! If he can trip and fall into vagina at will and not be considered a whorebag, so can you. Fight for your right to be single and sexual, without garnering a “W” for whorelette on your forehead. Smart women are picky and know that not every guy is boyfriend material, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun along the way. As long as you’re being open and honest with the dude you’re hooking up with — and are using protection — you aren’t doing anything wrong.
3. Say what you think and be yourself: If you can’t be yourself around him, he’s not the right guy for you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide certain facets of your personality to make it work, regardless of past mistakes and weird peccadilloes
4. Have the bravado to ask for what you want in bed: Let’s face it, some guys are seasoned pros and some really just don’t know exactly how to play the va-jay-jay. Speak up and tell him how to do it. If he really cares about you, he should already be asking. Apply a similar theory to asking for what you need emotionally as well. Men aren’t mind readers, and some of them are just plain emotionally dense. If over time he can’t seem to get either right or doesn’t care enough to try, ditch him and move on.
5. Don’t shun the nice guys: All that being a “nice guy” really means is that they treat you well. What the hell is wrong with that? They don’t lie, emotionally or physically abuse you, cheat, grope your friends or smack old people and puppies around. A nice guy can be just as passionate, sardonic, wicked hilarious and freaky in bed as the bad boy, sans the wandering eye and asshole tendencies. Sidebar: Avoid the “too nice” guys who don’t have their own opinions and just want to do whatever you want all the time. Lame.
6. A little jealousy is healthy: It means he cares about you enough to be worried that he may lose you. It keeps ’em on their toes and keeps him from taking you for granted. On the other hand, crazy, controlling levels of jealousy are a horrible character flaw that you’re unlikely to quash. Once that beast has reared its ugly head, you would be wise to move on, unless you get off on that sorta thing, which ultimately may indicate that you are a glutton for all things unhealthy.
7. Embarrassing starts are not automatically a dating death sentence: For example, barfing the first time you hang out with a dude is not necessarily gonna get you the insta-kibosh. I once woke up fully clothed and fuzzily hungover after hanging out with a guy the night before. I wasn’t even sure we’d made out until e-mail conversations the next day indicated that “Yes, we did kiss, but then you disappeared into the bathroom for an extended period of time, in which you may have puked, but I politely pretended not to notice.” We ended up dating for almost half a year. If a dude has seen you at your worst and sticks around, possibly even loving you more for it, he’s a keeper. Especially when you’ve epically failed that early on.
8. Make him work for it: It’s true. Chivalry is dead. OK, not entirely, but mostly. Long gone are the days of guys getting nervous asking you out and sweating over how to plan a fun first date. These days most relationships start at a bar. You both get drunk and flirty and then you hookup, which may or may not segue into full-on dating. Men don’t work to woo us anymore and have evolved into a languid breed of pussies. Make ’em go out of their way a little to demonstrate that you’re special and unique and that they actually want to be with you and not just any hot girl. Also, if he’s lazy in pursuing you, it often translates into laziness in the bedroom, which sucks.
9. Love is not everything: Yes, it is a lot … and hard to find and can conquer tons, but not always all. You may love someone completely, but that does not indubitably signify that you should be together. It doesn’t promise that you have the same dreams and ambitions. It doesn’t even guarantee that your personalities mesh. These problems can drive you insane and ultimately leave you unhappy. This doesn’t mean you love them any less, just that maybe they aren’t the right one for you. It takes a very mature person to realize this and have the balls to move on, and it will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done.
10. Laughter is everything: If you can’t get full-on retarded with someone, get out! For those of us who live life to the fullest and opt to embrace our inner ridiculousness, things can get pretty insane in the best way possible. I always know that a guy is officially smitten with me when looks at me intently and says “You’re weird” in a voice that is both concerned and endeared. Humor is the shit that’s gonna sustain you when times are tough, he can’t get it up anymore and your tits are dragging on the ground.