There are good reasons for sports fans to hate certain professional baseball teams: Racist mascots, steroid-using players and the self-importance that results from once having Babe Ruth on your team are all grounds for wishing ill will on a team and its fans. But a new algorithm that analyzes how people feel about things has determined that the Cincinnati Reds are actually the third most hated team in baseball, trailing only the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox. Locals are reportedly confused as to how the Reds’ nine-straight losing seasons, likable players and baseball-head mascot could have caused such ire, especially since Pete Rose just makes people embarrassed for Reds fans.
THURSDAY APRIL 29
When Licking Valley High School Principal Wes Weaver decided to ban sexy dancing at this year’s prom in favor of a 1950s theme, he probably thought to himself, “Gosh darn kids are gonna learn a thing or two about being adults.” It turns out that most of what the students of LVHS learned has to do with party planning, because instead of going down to the YMCA to learn the jitterbug two students organized an alternate dance for kids who don’t want to go to the lame one. More than 100 tickets to the dance — which will have a rainforest theme and offer an eclectic collection of contemporary booty-shaking jams — had been sold through Thursday, though it is assumed the 15 parental chaperones who signed up don’t realize how dirty songs about Superman can be.
FRIDAY APRIL 30
Anyone who's heard recent radio advertisements for the Hamilton County Commission race knows that City Councilman Chris Monzel considers himself to be a CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN. It’s mentioned several times whenever he criticizes his opponent Leslie Ghiz for not being as CONSERVATIVE as him.
Other arguments in favor of the CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN include his promise to make society do stuff as GOD INTENDED and the fact that Blue Chip Young Republicans Club members like Monzel even more than PINK BUTTON-UP SHIRTS.
SATURDAY MAY 1
Some of us spent today celebrating a national holiday called Loyalty Day by working hard like proud Americans and then supporting local businesses through the purchasing of several beers, only to have the state tread on us in the form of a $50 parking ticket (the fine will be matched by an equal donation to the Cincinnati Tea Party — suck it Big Government). It’s difficult to assume what others did, unless you’re considering Greater Cincinnati Waterworks Director Dave Rager, who has no time for leisure on the weekends because of how much money he has to count when he’s not at work. Rager is the latest city employee to be rehired after retiring in order to enjoy the sweet taste of a double dip, drawing a pension ($128,326 annually) while earning a salary ($146,112) for the same job. Rager, whose rehiring was only possible after City Manager Milton Dohoney waived the five-year prohibition on again working for the city, was rehired to help lead the possible transformation of Water Works into a regional operation and because he’s the only person who knows how to turn off the main faucet.
SUNDAY MAY 2
It’s difficult to get written about on the front page of a daily newspaper with all big stories and funnier examples of poor people getting caught stealing stuff taking up most of the space. The Arizona Republic today had to take a break from such eye-catching articles to publicly condemn the state’s biggest leaders for making Arizona look like a bunch of redneck cowboys in the name of national politics. According to The Republic, “Arizona politicians are pandering to public fear,” the new law “intimidates Latinos while doing nothing to curb illegal immigration” and John McCain “stole a poor man’s wallet.”
MONDAY MAY 3
Say you have a friend who makes half as much money as you and there exists a 44-ounce margarita that you both want half of. Doesn’t it make sense to pay for the drink yourself and share in the pleasure of its several shots of tequila? A similar situation presented itself back in 1996 when the county wanted new stadiums, but instead of saying, “Let’s do it!” Cincinnati’s rich people said, “We shant vote for your stadium tax should proper provisions not be made for reimbursement based on the value of our property and persons.” The “persons” part was later removed, but what remained was a property tax rollback that County Commissioner David Pepper would like to cap at home values of $153,000 to reduce the stadium deficit. The two other commissioners say it’s an OK idea but are concerned that people whose homes are valued at $400,000 will be disappointed that their rebate is short the equivalent of one meal at Montgomery Inn.
TUESDAY MAY 4
Estimado Local de la Comunidad Latina: Nos gustaría pedir disculpas de antemano por la locura ingobernable que está seguro de producirse el Cinco de Mayo por los estadounidenses. Al igual que el Día de San Patricio, Acción de Gracias o el domingo que se realicen durante la temporada de fútbol de la NFL, los estadounidenses disfrutan de toda oportunidad de ocultar la propia alcoholismo tras el velo de un evento de la aprobación social. De todas formas, felicidades por vencer a los franceses. Y lo de Arizona.
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