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April 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · April 21st, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY APRIL 14

Thanks to the Cincinnati Police Department, the nearly 150 residents of three Section 8 buildings in Avondale today had their utilities turned back on. Landlord Joseph Lentine III blamed the disruption in service first on Duke Energy and later on the interruption of his work schedule caused by the final two seasons of The Wire recently becoming available On Demand. When pressed by local news media about the outcry over his ineffective, absentee-style of property managing, it is quite likely that Lentine had to resist the urge to throw in one of those Shaq-in-his-prime-monster-dunk-quality zingers about how with power restored in the units “at least something in those buildings is working now.”

THURSDAY APRIL 15

Dennis Schnurr, Archbishop of Cincinnati’s Catholic Church, wrote a letter today explaining that he is sick of child molesters within the church being portrayed in the media like they are a bunch of child molesters. Although he acknowledged that the church has failed miserably in the past when it came to keeping children away from people who were known pedophiles (not to mention continuing to cover for and employ sexual predators), “much of the reporting in this instance has been neither fair nor accurate.” Schnurr’s awesome letter, which will be published in many churches, instructs readers “not to form judgments based on secular press accounts alone.” Parts of the letter are rumored to include paragraphs calling victims of abuse “whiners,” and suggesting that if they really loved God they would look past the years of abuse they suffered. Life isn’t all rainbow sprinkles and sunny days, ya know?

FRIDAY APRIL 16

Fox News today pulled Sean Hannity from an appearance at a local rally for angry, xenophobic Midwestern folk who knew somebody that went to Nam and don’t like where this country is heading concerned, government-fearing Average Joes just hours before a scheduled rally. The Tea Party followers were none too pleased because they had already paid their money (what little Obama hasn’t come down the chimney and stolen yet) to see Captain Hannity come steer the Hate Machine.

Libralz were also upset about the cancellation of the alarmist, misinformed blowhard’s one-day stop in Cincinnati. The smaller crowd made it harder for them to score points in the recently invented game called “Where’s Terry,” in which you get 2 points for every person you see who doesn’t wear red, white and blue and 5 points for each non-Caucasian. First one to 7 wins.

SATURDAY APRIL 17

What do Hamilton County’s luxury box at Great American Ball Park and most of the rest of seats in the stadium have in common? That’s right, geniuses ... they're empty. The Enquirer believes the suite, valued at $1,800 a game, has been empty since Opening Day because the county faces some sort of “damned if you give them to Average Joes, damned if you sell them to Delhi flooring and carpeting magnates” dilemma. The real reason they sit unused is because Hamilton County commissioners do their jobs right about as often as Drew Stubbs makes contact.

SUNDAY APRIL 18

Ben Roethlisberger and his penis talked for a bit with Roethlisberger’s lawyer today in an attempt to create a plan of action to stamp out the shit-storm his perpetual creeper/rapist modus operandi has landed him in. While Big Ben initially thought the most difficult part of being an NFL player would be reading a playbook and mastering those tiny buttons on the dress shirts they make you wear for team flights, he has definitely been proven wrong. When asked what advice he gave the beleaguered signal caller, the lawyer said he told Roethlisberger to stop asking the media for more easily pronounced synonyms for “consensual.”

MONDAY APRIL 19

Something happened in Camp Washington today other than people getting wasted, eating at Camp Washington Chili and waking up thinking they have a touch of the colorectal cancer. Apparently the owner of Cincy Recycling was taken into custody for not having a scrap collector’s license or keeping receipts for the stuff that drug addicts stole and gave him for two or three bucks. It is unclear what kind of effect this largely-for-show sting operation the CPD conducted will have in the long term, but we at WWE! know that there is a large spool of copper wire currently hidden under a kiddie pool in CityBeat’s parking lot that Cincy Recycling probably won’t buy off us, so now we have fewer methamphetamines than usual and less money. Luckily, letters@citybeat.com was set up to help solve this kind of problem. (Please write “I like pizza” in the subject line so we know you aren’t a cop.)

TUESDAY APRIL 20

Fallout from the volcano in Iceland has resulted in difficulty for many Europeans attempting to navigate their fair union of countries that might or might not have mass financial problems. What’s worse is that many of the funny-speaking people are stuck in airports all over this great nation (though Fox News using the “What a pain in the ash!” headline is pretty solid). In an effort to make British travelers feel more at home whilst stranded, airport staff have been encouraged to increase the number of glow-sticks available to travelers and find ways to use the words “Oasis” and “genius” in the same sentence as often as possible.


FOR A GOOD DEAL ON SCRAP METAL, E-MAIL: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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