Thanks
to the Cincinnati Police Department, the nearly 150 residents of three
Section 8 buildings in Avondale today had their utilities turned back
on. Landlord Joseph Lentine III blamed the disruption in service first
on Duke Energy and later on the interruption of his work schedule
caused by the final two seasons of The Wire recently becoming available
On Demand. When pressed by local news media about the outcry over his
ineffective, absentee-style of property managing, it is quite likely
that Lentine had to resist the urge to throw in one of those
Shaq-in-his-prime-monster-dunk-quality zingers about how with power restored in the units “at least something in those buildings
is working now.”
THURSDAY APRIL 15
Dennis
Schnurr, Archbishop of Cincinnati’s Catholic Church, wrote a letter
today explaining that he is sick of child molesters within the church
being portrayed in the media like they are a bunch of child molesters.
Although he acknowledged that the church has failed miserably in the
past when it came to keeping children away from people who were known
pedophiles (not to mention continuing to cover for and employ sexual
predators), “much of the reporting in this instance has been neither
fair nor accurate.” Schnurr’s awesome letter, which will be published
in many churches, instructs readers “not to form judgments based on
secular press accounts alone.” Parts of the letter are rumored to
include paragraphs calling victims of abuse “whiners,” and suggesting
that if they really loved God they would look past the years of abuse
they suffered. Life isn’t all rainbow sprinkles and sunny days, ya know?
FRIDAY APRIL 16
Fox
News today pulled Sean Hannity from an appearance at a local rally for
angry, xenophobic Midwestern folk who knew somebody that went to Nam
and don’t like where this country is heading concerned,
government-fearing Average Joes just hours before a scheduled rally.
The Tea Party followers were none too pleased because they had already
paid their money (what little Obama hasn’t come down the chimney and
stolen yet) to see Captain Hannity come steer the Hate Machine.
Libralz
were also upset about the cancellation of the alarmist, misinformed
blowhard’s one-day stop in Cincinnati. The smaller crowd made it harder
for them to score points in the recently invented game called “Where’s
Terry,” in which you get 2 points for every person you see who doesn’t
wear red, white and blue and 5 points for each non-Caucasian. First one
to 7 wins.
SATURDAY APRIL 17
What
do Hamilton County’s luxury box at Great American Ball Park and most of
the rest of seats in the stadium have in common? That’s right, geniuses
... they're empty. The Enquirer believes the suite, valued at $1,800 a
game, has been empty since Opening Day because the county faces some
sort of “damned if you give them to Average Joes, damned if you sell
them to Delhi flooring and carpeting magnates” dilemma. The real reason
they sit unused is because Hamilton County commissioners do their jobs
right about as often as Drew Stubbs makes contact.
SUNDAY APRIL 18
Ben
Roethlisberger and his penis talked for a bit with Roethlisberger’s
lawyer today in an attempt to create a plan of action to stamp out the
shit-storm his perpetual creeper/rapist modus operandi has landed him
in. While Big Ben initially thought the most difficult part of being an
NFL player would be reading a playbook and mastering those tiny buttons
on the dress shirts they make you wear for team flights, he has
definitely been proven wrong. When asked what advice he gave the
beleaguered signal caller, the lawyer said he told Roethlisberger to
stop asking the media for more easily pronounced synonyms for
“consensual.”
MONDAY APRIL 19
Something
happened in Camp Washington today other than people getting wasted,
eating at Camp Washington Chili and waking up thinking they have a
touch of the colorectal cancer. Apparently the owner of Cincy Recycling
was taken into custody for not having a scrap collector’s license or
keeping receipts for the stuff that drug addicts stole and gave him for
two or three bucks. It is unclear what kind of effect this
largely-for-show sting operation the CPD conducted will have in the
long term, but we at WWE! know that there is a large spool of copper
wire currently hidden under a kiddie pool in CityBeat’s parking lot that
Cincy Recycling probably won’t buy off us, so now we have fewer
methamphetamines than usual and less money. Luckily, letters@citybeat.com was set up to help solve this kind of problem. (Please write “I
like pizza” in the subject line so we know you aren’t a cop.)
TUESDAY APRIL 20
Fallout
from the volcano in Iceland has resulted in difficulty for many
Europeans attempting to navigate their fair union of countries that
might or might not have mass financial problems. What’s worse is that
many of the funny-speaking people are stuck in airports all over this
great nation (though Fox News using the “What a pain in the ash!”
headline is pretty solid). In an effort to make British travelers feel
more at home whilst stranded, airport staff have been encouraged to
increase the number of glow-sticks available to travelers and find ways
to use the words “Oasis” and “genius” in the same sentence as often as
possible.
FOR A GOOD DEAL ON SCRAP METAL, E-MAIL: letters@citybeat.com
SteveF
