Everybody knows that the decennial U.S. Census is just a federal funding free-for-all where cities and suburbs fight over who grew, who shrunk and whose families suffered mass divorces due to casino legalization. The AP reported today that in addition to documenting
the waning influence of white people the continuous changing of demographics in America, this year’s census for the first time allows gay people in domestic partnerships to go ahead and check “married” like everybody else who lives like that. The decision to identify people accurately has upset conservatives, who largely believe that gay unions devalue the sanctity of marriage more than the stuff Tiger Woods did.
THURSDAY APRIL 8
If you were to ask most Cincinnatians what their favorite local chili chain is, the most common reaction would be, “Why? Do you like being fat or are you already wasted?” The Enquirer reported today that the Travel Channel recently attempted to answer this question (which is the best chain, not whether you’re more likely to go to one if you’re huge or on six beers), only to have the area’s No. 1 chili seller respectfully decline. The contest was originally instigated by Gold Star Chili, which for weeks has been in talks with producers of Food Wars in an attempt to go head-to-head with Skyline to see whether Gold Star is awesome and Skyline makes people poop their pants or if it’s the other way around.
FRIDAY APRIL 9
High school principals have many things to worry about, from the immaturity of freshmen boys to the punishments from No Child Left Behind if too many kids answer “C” to every question instead of studying for their standardized tests. The AP reported today that one central Ohio principal has an even bigger concern: the dirty dancing that turns every Licking Valley High School prom into an indoor MTV Spring break.
Principal Wes Weaver intends to put a stop to such debauchery by officially banning “grinding,” “booty shaking” and “dropping it like it is an extremely high temperature” from this year’s festivities and instituting a 1950s or ’60s theme. Students say the administrators are overreacting and have argued that slow dancing didn’t stop the baby boomers’ parents from having mass sex and babies.
SATURDAY APRIL 10
Most people agree that judging people can sometimes be pretty easy — if a young man is wearing a rebel flag bandana, are you willing to bet that he doesn’t enjoy Kid Rock and/or Coors Lite? Didn’t think so. A new study released today suggests that in addition to assuming stuff about people based on how they choose to present themselves, it is also relatively safe to guess how much alcohol individuals drink based on their friends’ drinking habits. The study describes the social organizing of people by drinking behavior, with people who hang out with heavy drinkers more likely to get wasted and people who socialize with non-drinkers having a tendency to think Apples to Apples is actually a fun game. The study also found that relatives tend to group themselves in similar patterns, though there was no conclusive data explaining why fathers who drink a lot have sons who enjoy backyard wrestling.
SUNDAY APRIL 11
Residents of the Greater Cincinnati area deal with some pretty wild stuff by our sheriffs: between Simon Leis’ war tanks and Rick Jones’ illegal immigrant game show Uno, Dos, Tres, Amigos, we are familiar with odd law enforcement tactics coming straight from the top (though we still don’t know what that title has to do with immigration). A northern Ohio judge today raised Leis’ and Jones’ craziness to another level by advocating that residents carry guns in response to recent budget cuts that reduced the county sheriff’s department. Judge Alfred Mackey of Ashtabula County said less law enforcement means residents will need to look out for each other but warned against messing around without a permit because there’s no room in the jail for people who shoot themselves.
MONDAY APRIL 12
If you really think about it, it’s hard to be a rich person. With all of your basic needs met — food, shelter, ownership of property that poor people can’t access to steal your stuff — life can feel a little pointless. That’s why many people who have all the resources they need often turn to other forms of competitiveness like golfing or voting Republican. Bloomberg News reported today that another longtime rich people game — finding loopholes in tax law — is becoming increasingly difficult due to the recent health care reform. In the past, rich people have gone so far as to invest in municipal bonds or move to crappy places like Tennessee that don’t tax earned income. Economists say the tighter tax laws will cost the rich money but will benefit them by providing a new challenge that doesn’t involve buying cars shaped like penises.
TUESDAY APRIL 13
We at WWE! often blame our personal transgressions on our conservative, non-YP-friendly, poorly-led hometown (boredom has been proven to cause destructive tendencies in lab rats). The Enquirer reported today that these excuses are about to be gone forever because — wait for it — the International Quilt Festival will move to Cincinnati starting in 2011! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot! Organizers say they chose Cincinnati for its accommodations, easy parking and inexpensive restaurants and have asked that all live music venues try to keep it down after 6 p.m.
DID YOU READ THIS ARTICLE? E-MAIL: email@example.com