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Ax Man, Shining Moment, Dylan Banned

By Staff · April 7th, 2010 · Minimum Gauge
Tags: NCAA, CBS, Bob Dylan, Bjork


Guitarmy of One

Seattle crime reporters recently unearthed an incident that had police fending off a local guitar enthusiast and his swinging ax. Reports say guests at a Seattle motel were greeted by a creepier-than-Norman-Bates man who, after staring them down earlier, allegedly doused their car with baking soda later that day. Upon discovering the mess, the guests were asked by their new friend if they had “a fucking problem.” The man attacked the guests, clad only in his boxers, chasing them down the street and screaming like a “crazy man,” according to the two victims.

When police arrived, the man was holding his guitar like a bat; when told to drop his weapon, the man charged the cops, swinging his guitar, but he ran into his front door before he could do any damage. Cops re-entered to find the poor fella distraught and hunched over his presumably broken ax before they arrested him. So that’s what the guitar player from Candlebox is doing these days.


A 'Moment'ary Lapse of Reason

Congratulations to the Duke Blue Devils for crushing the spirits of the Butler Bulldogs and winning their 500,000th championship. That noise you heard Monday night around 11:30 p.m.

was a harmonious, simultaneous, countrywide muttering of “Fuck Duke.” The best things about the NCAA tourney are the amazing buzzer-beaters, watching the Cinderellas shock the world and placing bets on how long it will take a vein on Bob Huggins’ forehead to pop out. (For that last West Virginia game, if you had “32 seconds into the first half,” you’re a winner!).

The least shining moment of the tourney each year? CBS’s curious insistence on using the schmaltzy, ghastly song “One Shining Moment” during its closing melodramatic montage featuring the ups and downs of the season. Not sure if CBS signed some multi-year contract with the song’s publisher or if the song’s writer is Brent Musburger’s nephew or something, but every year it comes back and, despite trying different vocalists, it still drips with more cheese than an outdoor Velveeta sculpture in August.

It’s so bad it makes us want to buzzer-beat the crap out of whoever is responsible. Even Jennifer Hudson, a great singer, couldn’t make it sound any less like a Kenny G/Michael Bolton/ Trans Siberian Orchestra/’80s-TV-show-theme-songcomposer collaboration in her new version this year.

Our suggestion: Either let Danger Mouse do a mash-up version of it mixed with songs from The White Album or find a better song. It wouldn’t be hard to do.


Chinese Idiocracy

The political climate in the U.S. right now is as contentious as it has ever been (except for maybe during that whole Civil War thing). Conservatives have been throwing hissy fits about President Obama’s political actions because it’s just “government meddling in our personal lives!” — though things like anti-gay legislation and The Patriot Act are deemed vital to the survival of our society? — while Democrats seem incapable of employing the same bullying tactics they suffered through during the W. years. It’s easy to get frustrated (see: The Tea Party), but look at it with some perspective: At least we can still go see Bob Dylan in concert.

Despite undoubtedly being called a Communist innumerable times during his storied career, China’s ministry of culture has declined to give Dylan permission to play Beijing and Shanghai. The ban is believed to be due to the legend’s past affiliation with the counter-cultural movement of the ’60s, Bjork’s pro-Tibet statements during a concert in China two years ago and possibly the Victoria’s Secret commercial in which Bob creepily starred.

In response, Dylan announced he would be removing all John Woo movies from his DVD collection and has deleted the carryout number for his favorite Chinese restaurant, Egg Foo Yummy, from his cell phone.



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