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March 31-April 6: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · April 7th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY MARCH 31

It’s often difficult to judge people who lived in different eras because so many things change: Consider that babe Ruth hit 714 home runs without steroids but Barry Bonds hit 762 after America let people who weren’t white play in the games too. Which is more impressive? Elected representatives from several states are currently debating an issue with a comparative level of relative unimportance: Whether or not Ulysses S. Grant or Ronald Reagan is more deserving of the headshot on a $50 bill. Ohio Rep. Danny R. Bubp, who represents Grant’s hometown of Clermont and Brown counties, noted that most of the support for Reagan over Grant is coming from Southern states, who just so happen to be the group of secessioners that Grant whooped in the Civil War. He also added that Grant’s beard is way cooler than Reagan’s asshole dad haircut.

THURSDAY APRIL 1

It's well documented that people in Cincinnati like strange things. Ask an out-of-towner if his or her hometown enjoys chili and spaghetti or city council members who don’t even want their jobs and they’ll probably be like, “Uh, yeah, and I also prefer pooping in my own bed to using the bathroom in the middle of the night.” That’s why it was no surprise to learn today that Cincinnati is the nation’s No. 1 market for Dancing With the Stars, a reality TV show that tricks athletes and b-list celebrities into embarrassing themselves trying to do something that seems easy but is actually really hard. It’s not the first time the Greater Cincinnati area has watched a TV show more than any other place in the world, though analysts suggest the early-2000s viewership of Survivor was skewed by the presence of a pleasant Northern Kentucky man and the fact that people here took Y2K more seriously because they hoped they’d get to fight people in other neighborhoods.

FRIDAY APRIL 2

We at WWE! don’t like some things because they make us mad.

Among them: traffic, static cling, cats with pink noses, male politicians, really tall people, music, Ford Mustangs and getting hit on the elbow. But even worse than all these things combined? Movies. The Enquirer today reported that the manager of a new theater in Kenwood wants to help make indie films more bearable the moviegoing experience more enjoyable by serving alcohol. The Sycamore Township Board of Trustees is expected to approve the liquor license, which industry analysts expect to boost attendance because people will come back more often if they got so wasted during The Men Who Stare at Goats that they forgot how stupid the ending was.

SATURDAY APRIL 3

Most people would agree that defending one’s actions by reminding others of how huge of dickbags the Nazis were is kind of a weak argument (and only defensible with a combination Native American genocide/Louisiana Purchase argument). Pope Benedict XVI’s personal preacher today made such a comparison, arguing that allegations of the Pope covering up sex abuse cases is like the worst exhibits of anti-Semitism. The Vatican, which had lately been defending its decades-long history of pedophilia by arguing that the crime is a society-wide issue that the church is just 30 years behind on prosecuting, later played down the preacher’s comments, noting that the preacher had quite a bit of wine during lunch because one of the clergymen slipped hot sauce on his fish sandwich and it burned his mouth.

SUNDAY APRIL 4

If you were a high school kid who noticed that some people put Fraternal Order of Police badges on their license plates, you might think that making your own out of construction paper and sticking it on the Toyota Corolla your mom gave you could get you out of speeding tickets. You’d be wrong, but a U.S. District court today ruled that you have the right to give it a shot. Lockland resident Jasbir Singh won the right to display an FOP sticker on his car after the city two years ago imposed its ban on non-police officers displaying such support for the union. The judge ruled that the First Amendment says we have the right to free expression whether we pay dues, think the title song of Cops is really awesome or just want to cover up the last number on the plate because it says 69 and makes us look stupid.

MONDAY APRIL 5

It would be reasonable for regulars of downtown Cincinnati to react to today’s tens of thousands of visiting suburbanites by fearing that the Cincinnati Tea Party had grown unreasonably large. But if you took a closer look at their matching T-shirts you’d realize that they weren’t in town to demand that the government stay out of their lives but to watch a baseball game in the city’s taxpayer-funded stadium. The Enquirer reported today that despite the growing number of Tea Party members (and however many actually got a chance to yell “Pujols, you suck!” before he hit his first home run of the day), the party’s actual political influence is looking pretty weak, at least in Kentucky. State board of Elections records show that there are actually fewer new registered voters this year than the number of people who died and can’t vote again. The Tea Party has argued that most of its support comes from already registered Republicans but also noted that a majority of the people who died would have sided with them.

TUESDAY APRIL 6

The city of Columbus today approved a ban on texting while driving. Mayor Michael Coleman reportedly wrote TTYL :>) on the top of it. ROFL.


IT'S NOT THE TRUTH IT'S A LIE! E-MAIL: dcross@citybeat.com

 
 
 
 

 

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