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March 24-30: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · March 31st, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
Most people don’t venture into Reading unless they made a wrong turn on their way to Wyoming or they’re looking for a cheap used car part (a decent alternator is hard to find). The Enquirer today reported on another reason to visit: local business owner/ creepy dude Kenny Tessel’s scantily clad mannequin in front of his barbecue restaurant. In honor of Tessel’s yearlong success luring dudes into his store by making them consider intimacy with a plastic woman, Cincinnati’s only favorite daily newspaper checked in with the business owner, describing him running his fingers through the mannequin’s hair (weird), expressing worry over her repeated injuries due to wind (um, OK) and noting that she never files workers compensation for her falls (ha).

If you’ve ever spilled hot coffee on yourself, then it’s likely that 1) you screamed a humorous combination of expletives and 2) you kind of wished you were the person who successfully sued McDonald’s back in the ’90s for making the coffee too hot. U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner today performed the equivalent of asking to speak with the night manager when he formally urged the state of Ohio to join a lawsuit against the new federal health care law. Boehner said in a statement that the law will mean higher costs, lost jobs, fewer freedoms and blah blah blah. Ohio Attorney General Richard Cordray is expected to ignore the request because his grandma wants him to spend more time exercising.

There are reasons not to compete with the country of China in certain instances — if Americans really thought we could build a wall as big as theirs, we would have blocked people from Florida out of our country a long time ago. The AP reported today that the U.S. has for the first time fallen behind the scary massive nation in investment in clean energy, which according to a new study by the Pew Charitable Trusts is bad because people in the future will prefer clean energy to dirty energy something like 2 to 1 (it could be more, depending on whether the children of liberals end up like their parents or hate them as most generations do).

America’s tradition of entrepreneurial leadership and innovation give it a chance to retake the lead, though the report notes that it’s not a good sign that Americans don’t realize how dirty the workers get after mining for clean coal all day.

Most Cincinnatians realize that the city’s proposed streetcar plan has a number of hurdles to overcome before it’s built. That’s why The Enquirer today reported that even though most hurdles are only as tall as the humans standing in the project’s way, many local naive fools young people are holding out hope that the streetcar will be built, neighborhoods will thrive and they won’t have to move to Portland if they want to come home from work without getting stuck in traffic in poor neighborhoods. The story cited 17 Xavier University students and several area high-schoolers, who all agreed that building the streetcar would demonstrate a progressive vision for Cincinnati’s future despite whatever 700 WLW says would go wrong because of it. A sophomore from Madeira High School was describing how he would prefer to stay in Cincinnati his whole life but was interrupted when some rich lady drove by and yelled “Madeira rules! Downtown drools!” and honked her horn real loud.

When we at WWE! heard on the Internet last week that U.S. Rep. Steve Driehaus was trying to destroy our children’s future, we were like, “Dude! Let’s go fuck him up!” That’s just what three people figuratively did today, showing up at Driehaus’ West Price Hill home with signs that said stuff like “One Vote, 300,000 To Die,” “Pilate How’s That blood On your Hands” and “My kid ain’t sick he just gots a cold!” The protest, which was opposed by even the most dickish of local conservative groups, included a Catholic man and his wife who were mad that Driehaus’ voicemail was full and a Libertarian candidate for Driehaus’ 1st District seat who demonstrated his frustration by setting up a freaky pair of boots sticking out from under an American flag on a folding table to represent patriots everywhere hiding from the Socialists.

It’s difficult to tell what young people are doing on their cell phones these days: Are they conveniently paying their Gap credit card bill or reading lies about GOP sex scandals? Why are they laughing so much? The AP reported today that among the thousands of iPhone apps currently being created, the several dozen directed at keeping people from using their phones while driving aren’t working out so well. New research found that the apps that use GPS to detect how fast a phone is moving don’t know whether the person is driving or in the passenger seat, and the ones that prompt the user to type in a series of numbers and letters to test if they’re watching the road can be completed by people who steer really well with their knees. The Department of Transportation’s Research and Innovative Technology Administration says the main problem is that when a piece of software successfully blocks a driver from accessing Facebook, younger drivers are highly likely to participate in road rage.

A Catholic man, his wife and a Libertarian walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Who died? Ronald Reagan?”

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, E-MAIL: dcross@citybeat.com



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