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March 17-23: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · March 24th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

It’s understandable that most of us spent St. Patrick’s Day trying to figure out what color shirt would best hide our green beer/Chipotle barf later in the evening (consensus: Notre Dame Fighting Irish basketball jersey). But rather than worrying about such socially acceptable issues we should have been trying to keep our bosses away from a Reuters report detailing how much money U.S employers lose every year during the first week of the NCAA college basketball tournament. The report suggests that “unproductive wages” could amount to $1.8 billion, as people who are supposed to be entering data and filing stuff instead organize office pools, fill out their brackets and try to explain what the NIT is to coworkers. Researchers warn that employers shouldn’t try to stop office pools, but rather should embrace them as morale-boosting exercises in random guessing and making money off of the hard work of others.


If you live in Cincinnati’s urban core and appreciate public transportation, it’s likely that you’re into other masochistic things like rooting for the bengals or riding the Metro bus on Sundays. The Enquirer reported today that despite whatever other sick things you’re into, there is slight momentum building for Cincinnati’s proposed streetcar project after the city received a $15 million state grant. After missing out on a first round of federal funding last month, streetcar proponents were reportedly excited to win this initial funding (3CDC released a press release titled, “big money! No whammies!”), which they say will help the city win other funding requests. “Some folks don’t like to be the first in the pool but are willing to jump in after others do,” said Michael Moore, interim director of the city’s transportation and engineering department. “Let’s fill this pool up with money. Then we’ll go swimmin’.”


We at WWE! have an unspoken arrangement with our employer: In exchange for very little pay, we are free to search for new jobs and do drugs as often as we like.

It’s a win-win (at least it seems that way after a couple Monday morning bloody Marys). Cincinnati’s favorite leaders over at City Council have an even better arrangement: They make mass money and are allowed to run for a new office instead of doing their jobs. Councilman Chris “buzzkill” bortz last week introduced a motion that would end such perks by requiring any Council member who wants to run for another office to resign since it’s obvious that they would prefer to have a job other than the one they were elected to do. bortz credited former council candidate Kevin Flynn for the idea, which he came up with after seeing Laketa Cole’s résumé on monster.com under the “Shallow Political Stepping Stone Until Something better Comes Along” category.


Barf Does Jaycie Phelps Drive ring a bell? No? Gold- Medal-winning Olympian? Northwest High School? Pippin Road? Really? Anyway, those of us who were honored to drive into our high school along a short driveway named after one of our few successful fellow students appreciate the fact that Colerain Township is willing to rename streets after people who are still alive. That’s apparently not the case in the city of Cincinnati. City Council last week engaged in a minor debate over the policy after one councilman suggested the renaming of a street in Avondale for a local reverend. Five members of council’s Livable Communities committee voted yes to send the proposal to another committee, though Charlie Winburn’s only contribution was noting that he’d be willing to rename Fifth Street in honor of David Pepper if he’d leave the country.


Those of us who know firsthand how ineffective the excuse “car drove itself into the garage” is (Mom bought it for a minute but Dad wasn’t having it) also realize how wild the latest possible explanation for why some Toyotas suddenly accelerate seems. According to federal regulators, the issue could theoretically be due to radiation from space, which has been known to affect airplanes, spacecraft and the whereabouts of fathers’ tools all across the country (kind of like “those bbs in the basement wall weren’t shot by us”). Toyota at first denied that its microprocessors, memory chips, software and other electronics could be affected by cosmic powers but later admitted that Scientology space god Xenu was key in the development of the Camry.


If freedom isn’t free, then how much does freedom cost and might that cost go up depending on one’s previous medical history and/or the number of Republicans in government at any given time? Such are the complicated issues surrounding the implication of health care reform. The AP today reported that at least 10 states are uninterested in dealing with the issue (despite the fact that the federal government is in charge of doing all the math) and are planning to sue over the constitutionality of the recently passed health care overhaul. Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott said the bill amounts to government infringement and likened the states’ legal defense to the fight he had with his mom when she tried to make him take grape cough medicine that tasted like shit. Abbott said he expects the lawsuits to affect the bill at least as much as spitting purple medicine in his mom’s face changed his ability to fight off infection.


Yo, lemme get some insurance.




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