The Lindner family’s rating on the Forbes list of billionaires plummeted a bit this year … which is sort of like being dumped by Heidi Klum and getting all up in Eva Longoria shortly thereafter. Most of us who aren’t super rich don’t read Forbes or care much about the annual penis-measuring contests they run (though we’d be salty too if we made $300 million and fell 60 spots in any ranking, penis-size included). That said, it certainly does call into question why chain-smoking anti-Semite Marge Schott could fund a World Series champion (while letting her dog poo on taxpayer-owned field turf) and Uncle Carl refused to sign a free agent unless his arm or knee had recently been stapled back together.
THURSDAY MARCH 11
University of Cincinnati basketball player Dion Dixon really shit the bed tonight, getting goaded into committing a back-breaking turnover in the waning moments of the team’s big East Tournament loss to eventual champion West Virginia. While the latest sheet-ruining escapade by a UC athletic team was the cause of great lament for those rooting for the bearskins, it also came with what my lousy divorced parents always called “a silver lining” (while also explaining to me why I wasn’t going to get what would make me happy). Thousands of flabby Cincinnatians were given a platform to suck down the rest of their Miller Lite cans, turn to their disinterested girlfriends and launch into a heartfelt speech focusing on being able to grab rim in high school, understanding fundamentals and “god damn it.”
FRIDAY MARCH 12
In a worthwhile effort to erase the pencil-thin gray area between bowlers and losers, Ohio bowling representatives (look, I just copy and paste this stuff out of cincinnati.com, ask them what it takes to be one) are campaigning to bring video slot machines to bowling alleys in the buckeye State.
Proponents argue that those willing to pay money to rent shoes that look like they belong to John Wayne Gacy and piss away hours at an activity that attains only a semblance of enjoyability after lots and lots of hard liquor should be free to slide Junior’s lunch money into a machine that won’t give them shit. besides, the Claw Machine hasn’t had anything worthwhile in it since someone plucked that mini bengals football out back in ’83.
SATURDAY MARCH 13
Most people who regularly read WWE! either have no jobs, crappy jobs or one then the other in an alternating rotation. Fear not, fellow poverty dwellers! Keep the faith that one day someone will offer you (and only you) a job with a $78,000 salary. Hell, it happened to Laketa Cole! Cole today was hired for
some vague bullshit job a state position that was not posted or offered to anyone else. While the outrage over this obviously shady happening should be loud enough to wake even the slumbering copy editors at The Enquirer, it hasn’t been. We are all very happy for Ms. Cole though ... she proved that she was the most fit only applicant for the position, and it is that spirit of backroom, anticompetitive antics that’s made this great nation what it is today.
SUNDAY MARCH 14
Praise the Lord! The episode of MTV’s awesome 16 and Pregnant that was filmed at Notre Dame Academy in Park Hills, Ky., (think Covington with $10,000 more per capita) will finally air next week, it hath been decreed. The result was a vehement protest from some diocese dude who took exception to the show, which is expected to dispel the popularly held notion that Catholic schoolgirls are easier than hitting “Clear History” on the browser tool bar. For all the stink the men of the cloth raised over this show, you’d think somebody said something about a Kentucky high school girl being a virgin because she could outrun her brother ... or that what a tornado and a Kentucky divorce have in common is that a trailer is gonna get moved ... or that you can tell the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky ‘cuz if it was invented somewhere else it would’ve been called a teethbrush or ...
MONDAY MARCH 15
Procter & Gamble today announced plans to take a break from its favorite activities (systematic torture of animals for the sake of shampoo, local mainstream media manipulation, denying Satanic origin) to focus on a “major public awareness campaign to encourage consumers to save energy, waste and water and tout the environmental benefits of some of its products.” Stodgy, white-haired higher-ups in the company were initially opposed to the plan until assurances were made that if certain sales goals were met they could personally take turns applying chemicals to shackled animals’ eyes and skin.
TUESDAY MARCH 16
Ty Pennington’s chubbier, less attractive doppelganger Guy Fieri today brought his traveling show to town, spotlighting regal local eateries like Terry’s Turf Club in Linwood. Fieri sampled the Turf Club’s “Who broke the bafroom?” specialty, a chili made with filet mignon. Between bites, goatee manicuring and yelling into the camera about how “wild” the Turf Club is, Fieri’s staff scrambled to find other local eateries to spotlight on the upcoming episode all about The Cincinnati. Fieri was reportedly rebuffed by Hamburger Mary’s, which told him that while they are not homophobic and their food is really good Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is by far the gayest show on TV.
GUESS WHICH LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL ISAAC THORN DROPPED OUT OF: email@example.com