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March 3-9: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · March 10th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY MARCH 3
It’s difficult to dispute that Ronald Reagan transformed the nation’s political and economic thinking. Getting poor people to believe in the trickle down theory is like getting a sixth grader to say the Pledge of Allegiance without being scared. That’s why a North Carolina congressman today suggested that the government keep its hands off his Medicaid redraw the $50 bill with Reagan’s head on it. Republican Rep. Patrick McHenry argued that every generation needs its own heroes, noting that there are still people alive who enjoyed Reagan’s sports movies in the 1940s. One of McHenry's Republican primary opponents, Scott Keadle, accused McHenry of pandering to voters and said he’d rather see Reagan on the $20 bill because it is used more and Andrew Jackson looks like a queer anyway.

THURSDAY MARCH 4
During today’s politically sensitive times it’s rare that an individual or organization is decidedly open about its beliefs and views. Luckily there’s the Vatican, which has been holding onto its strict interpretation of the Bible (read: gay is gross) since back when God turned people’s wives into pillars of salt just because the man wanted to check on her well being. The Vatican today suffered a similar experience, as the government of Italy smote one of its high-ranking officials for talking to an assistant about what types of dudes he wanted brought to him for sexy time. The Vatican has yet to comment but is expected to change the official’s title from “Gentleman of His Holiness” to something that sounds less gay.

FRIDAY MARCH 5
If there’s a group of people that’s seriously credible when it comes to the details of mass transit, it’s members of Cincinnati City Council (they might all drive cars to work but they generally enjoy using subways when they go to cool cities). Cincinnati’s favorite group of leaders today voted 6-3 in favor of officially declaring the city’s interest in the 3-C rail line’s station to be built at Union Terminal, a National Historic Landmark that's already a train station.

Opposing the motion were Leslie Ghiz, Chris Monzel and Chris Bortz due to the influence it allows Clermont County, the Ohio state government and, in Monzel’s case, aliens.

SATURDAY MARCH 6
When we at WWE! need to do some serious research on a public figure in order to find and exploit his or her sociopolitical weaknesses (or just to find an unflattering photo), we look to the public encyclopedia of the people: Wikipedia (hey, it's truer than Fox News). Today’s weekly trip down Un-Fact-Checked Lane included a search of some background on John Kasich, the Republican gubernatorial candidate (governor’s race — checked on dictionary.com), and resulted in a minor chuckle when we read that his career includes stints filling in for Bill O’Reilly. Our research was prompted by something else funny: Kasich telling The Enquirer that his favorite football team is the Pittsburgh Steelers. The admission is expected to hurt Kasich’s standing among voters in both Cincinnati and Cleveland, along with people who would prefer that Ben Roethlisberger stay away from their daughters.

SUNDAY MARCH 7
With uber-partisanship threatening to bring down America and carry it away like a thousand ants set on delivering its dead body to their queen (those fuckers are strong!), the AP today reminded us that situations like this have occurred several times in our country’s history. The report compared contemporary Republicans’ unwillingness to make laws to the politics of the Civil War and trust-busting eras, two other times when the government faced harsh resistance from racists and big business minority parties set on impeding progress. Among the examples cited was the second term of George Washington, who was called a monarchist by the 18th-century’s version of the Tea Party, then known as “The People Who Actually Participated In the Boston Tea Party.”

MONDAY MARCH 8
It’s 6 a.m.: Do you know what the weather will be like today? If you don’t — and you live in a windowless house or have no interest in checking outside for yourself — you need a dedicated and accurate local news station. That’s why Cincinnati’s TV news stations have been getting salty on each other lately, the latest incident involving a new Channel 9 promo ripping Channel 12 for having a broken Doppler radar. The ad mocks Channel 12 for calling itself “The Weather Authority” while relying on radar from the National Weather Service and points out that Steve Raleigh looks way better in HD than Tim Hedrick (more hair, less lipstick). Channel 12 is expected to respond with allegations that Channel 9’s high-pressure storm tracking software is actually based on a two-dimensional view of the lava lamp Clyde Gray has in his office.

TUESDAY MARCH 9
Sometimes when you find yourself lost in a nice part of town the easiest way to find help is to shout, “Hey rich people!” and then enjoy the vast knowledge of the area someone will pleasantly divulge. The Enquirer reported today that the Republican Party is planning to visit some nice parts of Cincinnati, but instead of asking where the nearest coffee shop is they’re going to ask the rich people for campaign money. Cincinnati is one of five media markets currently targeted, according to party Chairman Michael Steele, who also noted that the campaign is not part of the plan to “capitalize on fear of Obama and the egos of major Republican donors,” as was reported by Politico last week (this is a different plan). Steele said the RNC is going to be straight up with Cincinnati’s elite and simply explain how Obama is a Nazi and they’re the only people who can stop him.

 
 
 
 

 

 
03.13.2010 at 10:56 Reply
Danny, thanks for sharing your bold humor in the WWE! articles which are main reason I pick up CB in print, although I like CB's other articles too because you all dare to speak out about ridiculous setbacks our city creates or fails to deal with. But your column has that extra edge that is addictive (maybe an endorphin effect since I often laugh till I cry... hopefully no side effects) so I have bookmarked your page of course!

 

 
 
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