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Feb. 17-23: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · February 24th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY FEB. 17
During high school it’s common for the basketball coach to post cuts on the gym wall, causing significant embarrassment when most kids have to walk over and see that they didn’t make the team. The city of Cincinnati today felt like the 5-foot-2-inch slow kid in class when it learned that its bid for federal stimulus funds for the streetcar project wasn't included on a list of $1.5 billion in grants for 51 transportation projects nationwide. The loss of funds for the proposed streetcar line — which proponents believe would make Cincinnati more like Portland, Ore., despite the cities’ major differences in environmental awareness, political leadership and use of soap (hippies) — won’t necessarily kill the plan, as city leaders are still willing to consider a Junior Varsity version of the streetcar that only drives around the Aronoff Center and is just for fun.

THURSDAY FEB. 18
It’s reasonable to believe that Google, more than any other individual or organization, knows what’s going to happen next in the world of technology — rumor has it that Google Buzz can figure out if random people in coffee shops are single and there’s an iPhone app to tell you what kind of latte they prefer. That’s why outcry is forming against Google’s plan to create the world’s largest digital library even though nobody really reads books anymore. A U.S. District Judge today heard arguments against a $125 million settlement that would end two 2005 lawsuits against Google’s self-proclaimed “greatest library in history.” Google, which has already scanned 12 million books, said the library won't affect publisher’s profits and will actually help writers in the long run by documenting how intelligent humanity was before the invention of reality TV.

FRIDAY FEB. 19
Ever since the days of Mark Twain, people from other places have enjoyed ripping on Cincinnati, which is still funny to this day because our city’s leaders are a bunch of assholes who win an election one year and then run for a new position the next progress can be a little slow around here.

Last week a Vanity Fair writer named A.A. Gill, a Brit of all things, riled up the pro-Cincy blogosphere by writing the following line in an introduction to a fairly obvious story about how dumb the Creation Museum is: “It’s not in the nature of stoic Cincinnatians to boast, which is fortunate, really, for they have meager pickings to boast about.” The statement was poorly received by Cincinnatians largely because the museum isn’t in the same state they live in, though it was seen as hilarious by some for how big of a dickbag it made the writer sound (it's believed that only the use of “whom” would have made him sound like more of a douche). Gill later responded by writing a sarcastic letter that included a quote from a really cool cab driver.

SATURDAY FEB. 20
A.A. Gill continued developing his profound thoughts on literal interpretations of the Bible and why random store clerks dislike interacting with him because he speaks like Ignatius J. Reilly.

SUNDAY FEB. 21
It was previously assumed that there are only so many ways to deal with a brewing rebellion: crush it with the might of your military; ignore it because it has no power; or do like the British and try to stop it but get your asses kicked (suck it, Gill!). American Republicans have once again proven their ability to make the most of a racist and ignorant population an angry and motivated voting block, as House Minority Leader John Boehner today explained how much he respects the Tea Party’s energy even though they’re not really welcome to represent Republicans as a whole. The move by Boehner, who in addition to looking like a Lego man is interesting in other ways, has been viewed by analysts as politically savvy as long as the Tea Party doesn’t decide to take up arms against Simon Leis.

MONDAY FEB. 22
Every day people in this world hear stories that make them cry — if you’ve ever listened to This American Life without shedding at least a couple tears then you're a robot (and a very insensitive one at that). The Enquirer today told a tale that would make even the most heartless person sad: the story of a rich person losing half of a huge sum of money in the stock market. According to the story, Rich Dude William Keating Sr., whose former titles include Congressman, judge, Enquirer publisher and professional cage fighter, sued his former money manager for letting his $20 million portfolio turn into $10 million :(. The attorney for the accused financial advisers noted that the losses occurred during the worst financial downturn in 70 years and said if he loses the case he’ll sue Mick Cronin for the $30 he spent on afternoon beers watching his team lose basketball games.

TUESDAY FEB. 23
Sometimes there’s no way to avoid being stereotyped because British people visit your state for a day and then blast on you for something you didn’t do (those shiny little surreys with the fringe on top weren’t coming from Ohio, you asshole). The Enquirer reported today that in order to avoid further embarrassment from writers who enjoy mocking cities and getting married multiple times, the state of Kentucky voted to remove dueling language from its oath of office. The proposed constitutional amendment would remove the requirement of public officials to swear that they’ve never taken part in any duels, a rule that dates back to Kentucky’s frontier days and now just makes people laugh during swearing-in ceremonies except during Mitch McConnell’s, when he stuttered and then threatened to kill everyone in Louisville.


TO EXCHANGE PLEASANTRIES: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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