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Northside

By Aileen McGrath · February 23rd, 2010 · Swizzle
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Northside is hands down one of the best bar-hopping neighborhoods in town. Chalk full of cover-charge-free imbibing stations that continually showcase local and national bands and DJ nights, quirky little stores and newfangled eateries filled with artists, musicians, hipsters, gays, Punk rockers, vegans, old-timers, the bearded, mustachioed and tattooed, all amidst one of Cincy’s most historic neighborhoods.

Begin Dipsomaniafest 2010 at The Comet (4579 Hamilton Ave.). Park on Hamilton Avenue or one of the hilly side streets. Walk in and bow to the Bevador as you place an order for a garnormous San-Fran-style burrito or the queso (add beans or shredded chicken to the cheesy awesomeness to make it a complete meal). Sip on a homemade hot spiced rum cider to warm up. Play some tunes on the sweet-ass jukebox. When your food arrives, switch to a Pacifico or one of the five bazillion other beer selections. As you leave, window shop at Nvision next door and make a mental note to stop back for that amazing jacket when you’re not on a mission to destroy your liver.

Head down to the heart of Northside via car, bus or even by foot in good weather. Step into Northside Tavern (4163 Hamilton Ave.), a longtime local favorite. Order a shot of Jameson and a pint o’ Bell’s Two Hearted Ale. As your buzz kicks in, engage in witty banter with the cute girl with bangs two stools down. Meander into the back room to see the band. Do a shot of the chilled Van Gogh Espresso Vodka your new friend hands you. If you need to counteract all of this alcohol demolition with another dose of food, you can’t go wrong with meatloaf sammich from The Hideaway next door, or if it’s after 11 p.m. Thursday through Saturday devour of a slice of Mike Aug’s NorthSlice pizza served out of the Hideway window.

It’s amazingtown, and you need fuel for the debauchery that lies ahead.

The night is young and your drunken bravado is kicking in. Walk a couple blocks straight out of the Tavern and take a left on Langland into Junker’s (4156 Langland St.). You’ll be surprised that patrons still manage to smoke here and appreciative of the Styrofoam cup filled with water the bartender calls an ashtray. You resolve only to do a shot here when you spot “Annoying Guy,” who always tries to get you to come see his powerfully mediocre band. It’s not the same without Tony (R.I.P.), but you vow to keep his memory alive as you shoot your red-headed slut and avoid further eye contact with the self-proclaimed “best singer in Cincinnati.”

Walk back to Hamilton Avenue with a swagger in your step and commence plotting world domination with your equally deluded cohorts. Momentarily entertain your bestest friend’s attempt to coerce you into a trip to the casually seedy Blue Rock Tavern (4112 Hamilton Ave.). Do another shot of Jameson once inside. Ogle cute Punk rockers as you watch the band on stage screaming things you don’t understand. Continue yelling along in your own words until your friends drag you out.

If it’s the second Saturday of the month, stop by new gallery/boutique Fabricate* (4012 Hamilton Ave.) to snag some free drinks at their once-a-month art opening soiree. In your tipsy state, you might find yourself admiring the sartorial stylings of the partygoers and eye-fucking them at will whilst bobbing your head to the DJ. Stop this when you overhear one of ’em refer to you as “creepy.” Procure a unique, locally handmade gift for your friend who just found out that her boyfriend is still boning his nymphomaniac ex.

*Fabricate is totally not run by the writer of this article or anything.

Let a sober friend drive you over to Mayday (4227 Spring Grove Ave.). Upon entering, sip on a pomegranate martini and contribute to the drunken awesomeness by interjecting unsolicited opinions into random conversations and engaging people in bouts of frenetic dancing. Order one of their yummy gourmet hot dogs and declare it a “party in your mouth hole!” Ask for it “Aileen style,” and they’ll know to slather almost every topping available on that beast.

You’re pretty incoherent at this point and need to cab it or friend it home. If for some ridiculous reason you’re still hungry, you are an ANIMAL! White Castle is not a good idea! Curse the fact that Blue Jay doesn’t have weekend late-night/early-a.m. hours.

Stagger around outside any of the now closing bars and be on the lookout for that special someone. Chances are they live close by and have room in their bed for two. Use protection.

Wake up the next day and massage your palpitating liver. Participate in the infamous Northside walk of shame by dragging your liquor-ravaged body to brunch at Blue Jay, Take the Cake or Honey clad in last night’s clothes, tousled hair and reeking of booze and fornication. Showering is for amateurs.

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