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Feb. 3-9: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · February 10th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY FEB. 3
There was a lot of resistance to President Truman’s 1948 integration of the armed forces, but dang if history doesn’t show that those blacks helped a lot during the numerous wars that followed. The AP reported today that similarly driven opposition exists against the government’s latest attempt to let people willing to fight for our country actually do it. In response to the nation’s top defense officials deciding to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” Republicans have issued a series of responses, most of which are e-mails that say “Ew gross!” in the subject line. John McCain, the top Republican in the Senate Armed Services Committee, admitted that the policy hasn’t been ideal but said the government should at least wait until professional athletes are allowed to be gay before jamming the military up with them.

THURSDAY FEB. 4
We at WWE! are huge on recycling — we feel great about ourselves every week when we overfill two recycling bins with beer cans and 1.75 liter gin bottles (buying in bulk is good for the environment too). That’s why we were excited today to read that the city of Cincinnati in May will start offering new 96-gallon wheeled recycling carts for those among us who believe that burying shit in the ground forever is kind of a waste. The Enquirer reported today that, in addition to creating new mountains at a slower pace, the city will save money by reducing the cost of garbage collection. The new recycling program will also include a points system so people who drink a lot of soda can get free stuff to make them feel better about how much their teeth hurt.

FRIDAY FEB. 5
It’s one thing for the Tea Party Movement to take its name from historically radical liberals and then act like a bunch of conservative dickbags, but most of us can agree that we don’t really give a shit. Today the political party formerly assumed to be based in a rich person’s basement in West Chester held a national convention, during which a speaker argued that Barack Obama was elected by people who can’t spell the word "vote" (F-U-C-K-Y-O-U?) or even say it in English.

Convention organizer Judson Phillips, a Nashville lawyer also known for doing a wicked Toby Keith impersonation at private parties, said the speech was awesome and that Sarah Palin has already agreed to appear at the next event and play a word association game about Obama that will make everyone laugh a lot.

SATURDAY FEB. 6
Scientific researchers and schoolchildren have a lot in common: They both have to study, they both wear clothes they didn’t pick out and if somebody in the room farts and blames it on a Brooklyn Barking Spider they both want to know more. The AP reported today that new evidence suggests that dinosaurs were in fact very colorful creatures, which is another hypothesis shared by researchers and little kids. By focusing on something called melanosomes, researchers figured out what color individual feathers on certain types of dinosaurs were, which led to responses such as “Whoa!” and “That bird was fucking sparkly!” when certain species were colored properly. Scientists expect that after minimal further study they’ll be able to officially replace the old dinosaur colors, which were just made up by fifth graders anyway.


SUNDAY FEB. 7

A great many people spent today watching the Super bowl (the latest Nielson Ratings had this year’s number somewhere around 6.7 billion). The Enquirer today reported that even though this year’s game pitted the best player in football (Peyton Manning) against a team from one of the most tragic cities in America (Detroit Lions) (New Orleans Saints), a lot of people found a local contest even more interesting: the Super Bowl of Preaching. The eighth annual event, which involved two pastors preaching back and forth about what it means to be a man, drew nearly 19,000 people to Crossroads Community Church, most of whom agreed that the way Tim Tebow hugged his mom in the pro-life commercial made him look like a wuss.

MONDAY FEB. 8
Sometimes something that looks bad for a while can flip-flop right back into the good category. Consider how the decision to do a really shitty job on the Reds’ riverfront stadium led to the development of what will be an awesome casino at Broadway Commons. The same thing could be happening with the consistent population loss of Cincinnati and Dayton, according to The Enquirer, once the collection of suburbs between the dying cities gets included in the Cincinnati-Dayton metropolis on the 2013 census (new slogan: “Cincinnati-Dayton: Nick Lachey Lives Around Here”). The analysis suggested that the new 19-county city would have better appeal than the individual ones as long as Dayton’s people don’t scare outsiders too much.

TUESDAY FEB. 9
With America’s socialist government spending money like it’s just printed paper it grows on trees, many conservatives are concerned that there’s too much liberal taxing and spending going on. The Enquirer reported today that the mascots that run Kings Island amusement park feel the same way, though they did their part by convincing Mason City Council to reject a proposed admissions and parking tax on Monday. Proponents of the tax, which would have mostly come from people outside the city and not from the pockets of the dumbasses who live in Mason, say it would have made up for the $3 million in city services the park uses every year but that they understand how culturally valuable the park’s fake international monuments are so they’ll figure out a new way to get the money.


E-MAIL SOMETHING FUNNY TO: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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