THURSDAY JAN. 28
If you’ve ever seen U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt in person then you know that she looks just like she does in pictures and on TV (kind of mean). The Enquirer reported today that after President Obama’s state of the union address Schmidt looked like herself but was acting like somebody who actually respected the president. Schmidt reportedly used the friendliness of an autograph request to ask that Obama
move back to the country where he was born support Pike County’s bid for a uranium enrichment plant. Obama, after halting a kiss on the cheek when Schmidt tried and turn to face him at the last second, said he’ll be sure that Pennsylvania, Kentucky or whatever state she’s talking about gets its stimulus money.
FRIDAY JAN. 29
When we at WWE! first named this stupid newsgathering/humanity-mocking column, we didn’t realize that our acronym was also shared by another organization. That’s why we were tickled today to read about two professional wrestlers being arrested and charged with public drunkenness, both of whom fake-fight for World Wrestling Entertainment, the lone organization with a dumber name than Worst Week Ever. The Enquirer reported that WWE superstars Gregory “Hurricane” Helms and Christopher “Jericho” Irvine were so pumped up after their match at U.S.
Bank Arena — which included one stereotypical jock losing to an evil racist caricature only to have a cliché white hero save the day — that they partied as themselves in Covington until 4 a.m. and then got arrested by real police.
SATURDAY JAN. 30
Exponents are neat. If you square or take a number to the third power it goes up by like 100 times (that’s how financing works). The Ohio State Highway Patrol today is hoping that a new Republican-introduced bill doesn’t pass and remove a $20 late fee on vehicle registrations because it exponentially raises money through the funding of the State Highway Patrol, which tickets even more people. The Ohio Department of Public Safety said that if the legislature removes the fee, which raised $6.44 million during the last three months of 2009 (an average of $100 per response of “What goddam fee? I’ll kill you!”), it had better either give back the gas tax revenue or prepare for a new series of speed traps that hide police cruisers under piles of hay like in The Dukes of Hazzard.
SUNDAY JAN. 31
Those of us whose Saturday night
illegal drug use legal and reasonable socializing contributed to a less-than-stellar Sunday spent most of the day drinking Gatorade and regulating our breathing. It turned out that this short bout of sobriety resulted in worse nightmares than the previous night’s tequila after we caught Elton John and Lady Gaga on the Grammys (we were trying to watch The Sopranos on demand but the thingy wouldn’t work). The duo — sitting on opposite sides of a piano with freaky legs sprouting off of it — performed Gaga’s “Poker Face” and Sir Elton’s “your Song” after a brief introduction by Gaga in an alien leotard. Reports suggest that this type of weirdness contributed to a 35 percent surge in ratings, though the possibility of Taylor Swift being embarrassed by somebody stupid was also considered.
MONDAY FEB. 1
Everyone knows how funny it is when Lucy convinces Charlie Brown to kick the football, even after she had just caused him to flip up into the air by moving it at the last second. This same scenario is unfolding locally, with the Cincinnati Bengals playing the part of the suddenly trustworthy little girl. The Bengals today offered $40 million in concessions to Hamilton County for other changes to the stadium lease, including the right to leave town as soon as 2017. County commissioners are skeptical of the deal but are considering it because of how nice it was of the Bengals to hire former County Commissioner Bob Bedinghaus as an executive.
TUESDAY FEB. 2
Dear Fifth Third Bancorp: Thanks for making my brother a bunch of money on his stocks during the past year. He’s crazy and invests all his money in a single stock, and for some reason he invests in your company even though you once charged him more than $300 in overdraft fees for a bunch of bullshit. It’s due to his loyalty that I write to you regretfully, having read today about the lawsuit filed in federal court alleging that you unfairly and illegally charged overdraft fees to people in Georgia. We who have profited along with you understand that it is partially due to your manipulation of debit transactions that causes overdraft fees and that people who use debit cards to purchase several small items deserve multiple charges for holding up the line at the gas station. We feel bad for the litigation, especially since we trust your stock so much. Good luck in court.
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