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Jan. 13-19: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · January 20th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY JAN. 13
Cincinnati City Council tried something new today, making news for something other than shouting each other down during their typically unproductive meetings. Jeff Berding and Chris Bortz today had to explain why last month they doled out $8,700 in bonuses, the only members of council to do so this year. Apparently, if you tell people that you “run a very conservative office” (like Berding) it is way more justifiable to give large bonuses to the people who answer your phone and/or follow you around with an umbrella in case of rain, a la Farnsworth Bentley. City Council is also said to be interested in using “Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” as their 2010 operating slogan.

THURSDAY JAN. 14
Nky.com reported today that Kenton County Judge Executive Ralph Drees hopes to raise $50,000 by inviting Free World-living Kentuckians over to check out the new Kenton County jail facility as part of a fundraiser tentatively scheduled for October of this year. Drees reportedly said, “I’m sure there will be a tour of the new jail, a nice meal, maybe even a band.” While most of the food offered will be procured from an outside catering service, Drees wants some of the food to be from within the jail to show the public what inmates eat. Drees says, “It’s plain food, but it’s good and healthy.” It remains to be seen if the fundraiser’s menu will include the brownies and burritos made with locally grown human feces, which are widely cited as the cause of rioting in Kentucky’s Northpoint Training Center last year.

FRIDAY JAN. 15
Middletown police promised today to “monitor” an upcoming “Girls Gone Wild” event at Reflections nightclub. After the initial shock that people from out of town would be coming to Middletown, police spokesperson Lt.

Rodney Muterspaw said, “They are supposed to comply with the laws, so really right now we don’t have any plans for it.” Muterspaw and fellow officers are also reportedly rehearsing equally unbelievable stories to tell their nagging wives when they arrive home later than usual with ear-to-ear grins and the scent of baby oil pouring off of them after the event.

SATURDAY JAN. 16
Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis won the NFL’s Coach of the Year Award today. Lewis guided his team to a 10-6 record and won the AFC North division. He also held the team together through the untimely losses of Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer’s wife, Vicki, and wide receiver Chris Henry. Winning the award exactly a week after being dispatched from the playoffs by the upstart New York Jets, Lewis said he planned to celebrate this accolade by luring good-for-nothing kicker Shayne Graham to a meet-up at an Indiana cornfield and re-creating the baseball bat scene from Casino.

SUNDAY JAN. 17
It seems that some of the idiots in South Bend are none too pleased with their new coach, Brian Kelly. While UC fans don’t like him because he bailed on the team and left them without a coach for the Sugar Bowl, Golden Domers are a bit rubby because although Kelly has a good, Irish sounding name, he might support a woman’s right to choose regarding that whole abortion thing. Some religious publication no smart person has ever read called Word ran an article with such comedic gems as “If abortion supporting President Barack Obama can deliver the school’s commencement address, why can’t a liberal coach the football team?” Look for more important moral dilemmas to be addressed by Word a few weeks into next year’s season when the Fighting Irish get their Rudywatchin’ asses kicked up and down the field by teams like Purdue and Navy.

MONDAY JAN. 18
Sarah Palin and Fox News. Whipped cream and a turd. A tiara on top of a building. Some things go together, some don’t. Today marked the final day of hope for those of us who are pretty sure the above stated adornment for a downtown building is going to be really dumb. When the final steel beam is put in place, all hope of our city’s skyline not having something ugly sticking out of it can be put to bed. While many of us have held out hope that somehow this design disaster could be avoided (God save the Queen City), that time has now passed.

TUESDAY JAN. 19
The Cincinnati Enquirer isn’t like other news sites that lately have focused a lot of coverage on the terrible, unimaginable suffering the residents of Haiti are trying to survive. Instead, a big picture of a piece of pizza greeted its Web site visitors today. Mmmmm! With a headline beckoning readers to “vote for their favorites in a contest we ripped off from CityBeat,” it seems that soon Cincinnatians will know with certainty “who’s serving up Cincinnati’s most savory slice of pizza.” Leave it to the liberals in L.A., Miami and New York to greet visitors with pictures of dead bodies, crying babies and utter devastation. Here in Cincinnati we’ve got bigger fish to fry — like figuring out which pizzeria’s pizza sucks the least and how long Skyline is going to have extreme cheese.


DOES ISAAC THORN’S GENERAL DISPOSITION BOTHER OR TICKLE YOU? E-MAIL: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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