WEDNESDAY JAN. 6
If you're allowed to have just one rule, it’s generally not a good idea to have that rule be that there are no rules (someone will inevitably get poked in the eye). Mayor Mark Mallory today declared anarchy on City Council by delaying a vote on a new set of rules for the upcoming council session. Mallory was reportedly concerned that the new rules — which include the right of one councilperson to make another stop talking after five minutes if he or she is being boring, offensive or considerate of Jeff Berding — wouldn’t pass without a vote from Roxanne Qualls, who was in Columbus following whatever rules the Governor’s office has. A Mallory aide said the mayor considered temporarily imposing the first rule of Fight Club but was afraid Chris Monzel would start trying to sell soap to offset the stadium fund and no one would be able to tell on him.
THURSDAY JAN. 7
It's widely understood that Kroger Co. is a great company that offers its shoppers awesome deals in exchange for an electronic record of everything they purchase (worth it). The Enquirer reported today that despite this fact the Humane Society has taken issue with one of Kroger’s practices: selling eggs that aren’t cage-free. The issue, according to the Humane Society, is that chickens were made by God to walk around clicking, clucking and poking things with their beaks, only occasionally laying an egg, and that Kroger’s current setup of hens in tiny battery cages where they can hardly move is unethical. The shareholder resolution is the third of its kind to have been presented to Kroger, which responded to the previous two by explaining a chicken-and-egg scenario where Kroger’s increased profits are the chicken and the tiny cages are the egg.
FRIDAY JAN. 8
One great thing about the Internet age is that arguments can be settled immediately — if your friend is trying to say there’s no difference between baking powder and baking soda, all you have to do is get on your cell phone and Google “baking” to make him look like a real dick.
But everyone doesn’t have cell phone Internet (people who use Cricket don’t even have their own phone numbers), so the public library this week began offering answers to questions via text message. The “Text a Librarian Service” will respond to a wide variety of questions, from general weather inquiries (it’s cold outside) to answers about specific things like skydiving (don’t do it). While the service has been a hit with librarians who enjoy talking to fewer people in real life, others worry that texting information gives people one more reason not to come to the library to go with TV, video games, the Internet and physical activity.
SATURDAY JAN. 9
If you’re a regular reader of The Cincinnati Enquirer, you know that there’s nothing its editors enjoy more than a hilarious account of a desperate person doing something stupid to try to get money (“Colerain Man Steals Baby Food In Sweat Pants” HAHAHA). Cincinnati’s
only favorite daily newspaper couldn’t help itself today when an AP report described a man dressed as a woman robbing a bank in central Kentucky. The incident occurred in some place called “Berea” and was the third such cross-dressing robbery in recent weeks (ha). The local police said they weren’t sure if the robberies were connected but said a couple of their male officers were particularly interested in the suspect so it should be cleared up soon.
SUNDAY JAN. 10
We at WWE! realize that in 17 years things will be a lot different — technology will be increasingly difficult to use and people who are 10 right now will be able to kick our asses. Another thing that’s going to suck is that the $1.9 billion Cincinnati Retirement System is going to be broke unless fundamental changes are made soon. The Enquirer reported today that the system’s benefits and expenses are outpacing its investment returns, largely because City Council has under-funded it for years. A task force has been charged with finding ways to rectify the situation, and the leading choice so far is to bet what’s left against the Bengals in their next playoff game.
MONDAY JAN. 11
We, as humans, have unfortunately subjected a lot of our people to harassment and intimidation during the course of time — women, minorities, homosexuals and certain types of freaks can attest to how horrible
white men society can be sometimes. The U.S. Supreme Court today added homophobes to this group of wronged peoples when it blocked video coverage of California’s Prop 8 trial after conservative groups argued that their witnesses could be subjected to harassment and intimidation if all of California watches them testify against the gays. Under the court’s rules, lawyers can only seek emergency orders if without action by the justices their clients will suffer “irreparable harm,” which is the same term Prop 8’s supporters use when describing what will happen to the world if homosexuals are allowed to get married. The high court didn’t explain its reasoning but noted that those interested in the trial could read about it from reporters or watch old footage of Strom Thurmond to get the same effect.
TUESDAY JAN. 12
HOLY SHIT! MARK MCGWIRE WAS TOTALLY ON STEROIDS!
DID YOU SEE DANNY CROSS AT KROGER LAST WEEK? CALL HIM A HYPOCRITE: email@example.com