-Illustrations by Nathan Kissel
HOW TO FIND A BETTER PARTY
Pretty much everyone has a party on New Year’s Eve, even your parents and their friends, so it’s your responsibility to find the best one or else you’re in big trouble and you’ll ruin the greatest party night of the year for yourself and all of your friends. You don’t want everyone to hate you, do you? If you end up at a chips-n-dip party playing Apples to Apples, you have no one to blame but yourself.
1. Use your iPhone to search your friends’ Facebook status updates. People want everyone to know what they’re doing, especially if it’s cool. So when you’re browsing through all 567 of your friends’ live feeds, it’s important to narrow your search parameters. Scan status updates for keywords like “coke,” “barf” or “party planet” and mobile uploads for those streaky light things.
2. Go to a “party” part of town and walk into a busy-looking house. Instead of sending a mass text asking “where the party at ;)”, just go to Clifton. The party be there. Nobody likes mass texts. If people wanted you around, they’d have texted you. You might as well walk into a random house; if you act like you’re supposed to be there, everything will be fine.
3. If all else fails, call someone you respect … like your drug dealer or your little brother. If you’re too F’d up to know where you are, then it doesn’t matter where you are. The party’s in your brain. BRAIN PARTY.
HOW TO SOBER UP QUICKLY
New Year’s Eve is one of the few holidays where there’s actually no cultural event to pretend you’re celebrating (there are other calendars besides the Gregorian, white people). So face the fact that you’re getting wasted for basically no reason. As such, you’ll sometimes be really drunk really early. Here are some easy steps to right the ship if you’re talking to a stranger about the way your hands feel and the countdown is far from beginning.
1. No matter where you are, get in the shower. A lot of movies insist that taking a cold shower makes you sober up (or not want to have sex anymore). That’s probably true. So find a bathroom and shut the door but don’t lock it — other people might also be drunk, so don’t be rude. Make sure the water is cold, then lather, rinse and repeat until you’re aware of how inappropriate you’re being. Only then are you ready to resume drinking.
2. Eat pretzels and drink coffee. Pretzels make you thirsty, but be sure to drink water and not gin & tonic to wash them down.
Drinking coffee makes you more alert and assures you that no member of the opposite sex will approach you because your breath stinks. Bye bye nervous drinking!
3. Call AAA. Your friends have all miraculously found company for the night, and you’re standing in front of the Honda CRV with your keys in your hand. Don’t do it, friend. Find the fuse box under the dashboard and pull the fuse for the fuel injectors or ignition system (it’s better to locate these ahead of time because it will be dark and you’ll be drunk). Call AAA and tell them to send their best dude out to get your crappy car to start. He won’t be able to do it, and he’ll drive you and your rig back to your home. Just don’t fall asleep in the truck. That’s not cool.
HOW TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT
It’s easy to stay up past midnight partying unless you have to (or you’re over 30). All that pressure to be awake and fun can make you really sleepy. Sleepy people suck. Party people rule.
1. Red Bull. It’s tried and true and disguises the taste of alcohol even though it looks like pee. Ever since they took the fun (and caffeine) out of Sparks, people have had to go old school and tame the bull to achieve the emotional and physical crash that comes after a full night of mixing uppers and downers.
2. Put needles in your pants. Get some needles or those pins with the colored balls on top and put them in your back pockets. This way, every time you sit down they’ll stick you. It’ll hurt. Eventually you’ll learn to stop sitting down because you don’t want to bleed. Hence you’ll be up all night.
3. Punch the first person you see when you walk into a bar or party. This will probably start a fight. Fights give you a surge of adrenaline. Adrenaline gets your body all hyped up. And if you’re drunk, you won’t feel the pain of a fist to your face. If you get crazy enough, the adrenaline will make you super strong and then you can carry your car home instead of driving it.
HOW TO BARF DISCREETLY
Warning: Drinking can cause barfing. Ha ha, we’re joking. Ha ha, just kidding, we aren’t. Some people barf. And that might sound scary and embarrassing, but it’s a fact of NYE, just like time going forward even if you don’t want it to. So try to control your barfs. Don’t make a mess. Puke and rally.
1. Barf loves company. A lot of other people will be barfing too, especially younger girls who took a lot longer to get ready, so don’t worry. You and your friends need to assign each other a “barf buddy” at the beginning of the night. As buddies, it’s your job to cover for the person barfing. Have a code word like “sweaty mouth” that will trigger your friend to start coughing while you bail into a houseplant, into a corner or behind a couch.
2. Be resourceful. Barf into your party hat. (Wear a party hat.)
3. Share the gift. You know that guy who’s been trying to kiss you all night? Now’s your chance to give him a New Year’s kiss he’ll never forget. Stroke his cheek, stare longingly into his eyes and empty your tummy into his gaping maw. The congealed bourbon, beer and frothy tater tots will spill through his dental work like a monsoon, and you’ll be rid of his advances for good.
HOW TO FIND SOMEONE TO KISS AT MIDNIGHT
Despite common perception, the worst thing about New Year’s Eve is not the sparkly hats and party favors or the ridiculous amount of noise pots and pans make when someone bangs them together. (Who does that anyway?) Those things suck, but the absolute worst is being at a party or bar around a bunch of couples who will kiss each other at midnight. It’s not that difficult to find someone else as desperate as you, because desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say. Try these methods for not looking lame at the stroke of midnight.
1. Get all of your money out and set it on the bar while you order drinks next to an eligible person. This might seem like a dick move at first, but the right lady or gentleman will think it’s hilarious. You’re better off using a small amount of money, something obscure and funny like $27 or $33. If you have more cash than that, stash it away. Feel free to mention that there’s more where that came from, whether there is or not (that’s not the point). You’ll come off as hilarious, harmless and slightly poor, which will all work in your favor.
2. Make your intentions clear. Honesty can go a long way sometimes, and New Year’s Eve is one of the few nights of the year when you can tell a member of the opposite sex that you have two hours to find a date or the whole year is ruined. It’s a little dramatic but still appropriate on this night (and the two days leading up to Feb. 14, but that’s another story). Forget the gimmicks and let the truth set you free.
3. Don’t be picky. Remember, a mouth is a mouth whether it’s 18 or 60. And it has no gender.
Just close your eyes, pucker up and love the one you’re with. You’ll look really nice if you’re way out of the other person’s league (or era), and there’s a chance you could end up on the other end of this unbalanced trade some day.
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