The American political system has always strived to make things as fair as possible — that’s why it only took 200 years to get black people all their
special rights freedoms. The government today continued living up to its hypothetical intent when it approved legislation aimed at creating a more fair college football national champion. The measure was passed via voice vote by the House Energy and Commerce Committee subcommittee, which over the summer also noted its frustration with name-brand drug price inflation and Major League Baseball’s lack of a salary cap. The only audible “no” vote came from Rep. John Barrow (D-Ga.), who followed it by saying “Auburn sucks.”
THURSDAY DEC. 10
Adults generally agree that eating at fast-food restaurants is a great deal and can save your family a lot of money. But the majority also realizes that with the financial benefit of serving KFC with a side of Taco Bell for dinner comes a significant amount of time in the bathroom afterward. Children generally don’t view eating in such establishments as such a give-and-take proposition, which is good because the AP today reported that fast-food restaurants have higher standards for their meat than the USDA has for kids’ lunches. Fast-food retailers’ guidelines are sometimes 10 times stricter than those used by the USDA, which has prompted Congress to revisit the Child Nutrition Act next year. In the meantime schools have been advised to follow KFC’s lead and combine all bad meat into a mashed potato bowl.
FRIDAY DEC. 11
For every informed and responsible media outlet like WWE! that exists, there are dozens of people whose only journalistic training is the typing class they took in high school. The Senate Judiciary Committee today decided via its federal media shield bill that formal degrees and advanced study in journalism are worth no more than the desktop computer that the average blogger uses to in his parents’ basement.
Attempts to limit the definition of a journalist to Thomas Jefferson’s “a poor writer who once had high hopes for changing the world via an actual news-gathering organization” were rejected in order to include people who can spell good and/or use iPhones properly.
SATURDAY DEC. 12
Sometimes estimates and prognostications can be really far off — remember how many gallons of water they told us to buy for Y2K? Those of us who still occasionally pee the bed from it were concerned to hear today’s news that China has overtaken the U.S. as the world’s biggest market for automobiles. Previous research suggested that China would overtake the U.S. in cars purchased around 2025, but tax cuts and a stimulus program this year led to a 44 percent rise, pushing the Chinese past the U.S.’s 10.3 million sold. Analysts expect the increased Funny demand to eventually affect shifts in design, environmental impact and gas prices, though China’s increasing interest in Buick models is not expected to bother many Americans.
SUNDAY DEC. 13
Sometimes something bad happens and it’s difficult to know whether or not it’s appropriate to laugh: Consider a situation where a monkey is smoking a cigarette like a weak-willed human, for instance. The Enquirer today performed the equivalent of lighting a chimp’s Pall Mall for him when it reported a botched armed robbery using the headline, “Taco Bell robber didn’t think outside the gun.” Reporters found humor in the fact that the robber used a BB gun and had it taken from him, which made it appropriate to rhyme the news headline with the fast-food restaurant’s slogan. Reporters decided against interviewing any witnesses who might have been scared as shit that the rifle was real and would be used to murder them because that’s not as funny.
MONDAY DEC. 14
We in the liberal media can be pretty hard on civic leaders — CityBeat sometimes feels regret for suing Charlie Winburn earlier this year and then calling him a bitch afterward (that doesn’t mean we won’t do it again, bitch). Today we’re spreading the public servant hate to other City Council members, as Councilmen Jeff Berding and Chris Bortz today decided against writing their budgetcut ideas down for fear of the political backlash that comes with proposing ideas. Councilwoman Laketa Cole expressed disappointment over the leaders’ reluctance to help, though she also criticized Winburn’s press conference where he tried to put male and female police officers on the podium to make an inappropriate joke about Noah’s Ark.
TUESDAY DEC. 15
Remember that really dumb thing you did when you were younger? You know, that thing with the BB gun that you didn’t think had the range to hit your neighbor’s hairless cat? Don’t worry about that, you’re an adult know, which means you’re no longer stupid. CNN today reported that when it comes to the question of whether or not pregnancy should be planned, most young people are smart and agree that it should. But when the correct use of contraceptives comes into the equation, these young people revert to their naked-cat-shooting ways. The disconnect between believing in contraception and actually using it has largely been blamed on abstinenceonly curriculums, though they’ve also expressed frustration with young people not understanding that a 50-percent success rate is worth getting married to have sex with someone hot.
ELECTRONIC MAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org