WEDNESDAY DEC. 2
Imitation is to flattery as satire is to mockery. Hamilton County GOP chairman Alex Triantafilou today demonstrated this analogy when he mocked Barack Obama’s 30,000-troop dedication to Afghanistan on Tuesday. Triantafilou compared Obama’s new plan to George W. Bush’s 2007 surge, arguing that Obama was attempting to flatter the former president by imitating him. Though Triantafilou’s blatant disregard for reality made him seem like a real dick — the only time Obama has purposely imitated Bush was during a Fourth of July barbecue after he drank too many Budweisers — his insistence on titling the anti-Obama press release “The best laid plans of mice and men often go to Afghanistan” was generally seen as humorous.
THURSDAY DEC. 3
We here at CityBeat know that an intern’s worth is only as high as the number of miles he or she is willing to drive to review a Wendy’s restaurant for no pay. Apparently The Enquirer has a different policy, as it today published an intern’s extensive examination of the city’s spending, the intent of which was to allow the public to decide whether parts of the budget are wasteful or worth it. Most items on the list were pretty obviously necessary — public garbage cans, offices for detectives and patches for police that determine who’s more important — though the cost of owning and operating police horses seems high considering that the city long ago laid off whoever is supposed to clean up their poo.
FRIDAY DEC. 4
If you’re an old ugly guy whose impending professional failure has made you lose confidence in your ability to attract women (30 isn’t old, you assholes), then you’ll understand the current plight of Democrat Max Baucus.
The lifelong Montana politician best known for
once subtly accusing a political opponent of yucky gayness his importance in Democratic healthcare negotiations today admitted that he was romantically involved with a former staffer at the same time he recommended her for a job. A Baucus spokesman said the promotion of current and former lovers in politics is common, though he also noted that Baucus’ decision had nothing to do with how turned on he used to get when his aids encouraged him to vote with Republicans.
SATURDAY DEC. 5
There are several different reasons why a room might become so quiet that each individual present would be able to hear something extremely small drop to the ground. The Enquirer today described one such situation — an expected increase of trucks on Tristate freeways — that according to industry experts has gone from making rooms quiet out of boredom to silencing groups of people due to how much money it could cost the American economy. There are currently twice as many trucks on the road as there were 15 years ago, which means that when the economy picks up taxpayers will have to widen the roads they use to get to stores while also paying more for goods because traffic makes them take longer to deliver. The only good news is that innovations in hunting video games have prepared interstate truck stops for an influx of bored drivers.
SUNDAY DEC. 6
For some people it is becoming increasingly annoying how often one must write “Lesbians are gay” on bathroom walls before people start to get the point. The latest organization to acknowledge this fact is the Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles, which today elected the second-ever openly gay bishop in the global Anglican fellowship. Should the Rev. Mary Glasspool receive a majority of votes from dioceses she will become a full-on bishop as long as she promises not to change “Father” to “Mother” in the Lord’s Prayer.
MONDAY DEC. 7
We at WWE! know what happens when you show up to a meeting unprepared — we once spent the half hour before a job interview eating a bag of radishes and it did not go well. Barack Obama knows our pain, and instead of showing up at an international climate conference all “My Congress hasn’t gotten around to approving my shiz … burp!” he went ahead and got the EPA to make clear that greenhouse gases are in fact endangering people’s health. The finding was necessary before Obama could vouch that the EPA will regulate greenhouse gases, though aides say he was also nervous about facing world leaders after George W. Bush argued that the circle in the sky determines how tall people grow and shouldn’t be disturbed.
TUESDAY DEC. 8
With the Tiger Woods infidelity saga getting crazier by the day, most news outlets are looking for ways to get him and his beautiful wife into their coverage. USA Today took a less obvious path, using the latest Tiger news to investigate just what it is that makes people cheat. According to one researcher, the typical affair is due to one partner feeling dissatisfied with the relationship and serial affairs often stem from a sense of entitlement, narcissism or insecurity (Tiger did finish sixth in a tournament last month like a loser). Men and celebrities cheat more often than women and normal people, largely due to an abundance of opportunity that stems from these types of people ruling the world for so long.
HAVE YOU EVER FELT SO BAD ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU HAD SEX WITH 10 WOMEN? E-MAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org