WEDNESDAY NOV. 25
If you’re an iPhone owner then you already know that there are two things that suck about owning such a cutting-edge device: the way poor people judge you when you use it on the bus, and how amazingly dangerous it is to text on the touchpad while driving. Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner is expected to take care of the second problem by signing into law a ban on texting while driving, to take effect Jan. 1 with fines up to $1,000 and jail time for people who really can’t wait to see what type of haircut their friend is considering. Two council members voted no, arguing that the issue should be addressed at the state level, though Finkbeiner said he looks forward to fining many 19-year-olds cutting through Toledo on their way to other places.
THURSDAY NOV. 26
While most of us were spending Thanksgiving Day enjoying turkey, football and all the daytime alcohol we could consume (no judgments on a holiday!), a Web site called HealthDay used the holiday’s increased Internet use to report that the number of people with diabetes in the U.S. is expected to double over the next 25 years. The “biggest” problem, according to a study by Dr. Richard Besser, is that such a “giant” population of people is going to cost a “huge” amount of money in health care needs, which Medicaid will not be able to afford. Factors driving the increase in diabetes include the aging population, high rates of obesity and the continued appeal of extra value meals to people who only really want to buy a small sandwich.
FRIDAY NOV. 27
There are certain things people worry about during a really bad recession: joblessness, inflation and the rising cost of cheap beer continue to be pressing concerns for most Americans these days. The Enquirer today reported that another social travesty is also occurring more frequently: rich people going to public school.
athletic academic supremacy of the private institutions, many schools across the country are increasing tuition aid in order to keep their enrollments up. The financial aid has actually helped boost morale at local Jesuit schools, administrators say, because students see it as an act of god rather than their parents begging the church not to make their kids go to school with black people.
SATURDAY NOV. 28
It’s been a while since The Enquirer published a really great arrest story — uncovering the perfect combination of financial desperation, criminal ridiculousness and mug-shot embarrassment takes savvy reporting skills. One local muckraker was up to the task today, as reporter Eileen Kelley described a number of “allegedly unsavory types” who were arrested for shoplifting on Black Friday. Several mug shots were published, though editors stopped short of drawing bank robber mustaches on them due to a pressing need take down multimedia footage of people shopping at Kenwood Towne Centre — if you watch close enough you can see a rich lady stick some sunglasses in her purse.
SUNDAY NOV. 29
We at WWE! don’t have any regrets (we’ve never even made a mistake), so it was disappointing for us to read today that a new beer has been banned in our state due to its ridiculously high alcohol content (only whiskey affects our judgment). But it turns out that the beer — 27 percent Sam Adams Utopias — wasn’t banned because it makes skinny people take their shirts off and threaten people they don’t like; it’s largely due to outdated laws that classify high-alcohol brews as specialty drinks. Some states have already overturned such restrictions, though local lawmakers are reluctant to allow such strong beer because the 8 percent Steel Reserve already contributes to most of the bad things that happen on the West Side.
MONDAY NOV. 30
The week after Thanksgiving might mean a shopper’s paradise for some, but for others it’s the best reason ever to oil up the ol’ rifle, climb up into a tree house and shoot the shit out of something that’s alive. That’s right, friends! It’s hunting season! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot! The State Division of Wildlife expects more than 420,000 hunters to cap 125,000 deer between this week and a special deer-shooting free-for-all Dec. 19 and 20. Hunters are allowed to kill only one male but are encouraged to shoot as many females that they want, though most prefer to just kill their one buck because hanging female heads on the wall makes them look like pussies.
TUESDAY DEC. 1
There is much to be learned from the story of Charlie Brown cutting down the shittiest Christmas tree in the world in order to teach his friends a holiday lesson. President Obama tried to do the same today in a speech that coincidentally pre-empted the local airing of A Charlie Brown Christmas. Obama’s speech was an attempt to remind Americans that the ongoing war in Afghanistan is still winnable even though thinking or hearing about it is almost as sad as a Christmas tree with only one branch on it. Obama’s speech was expected to outline the number of troops that will be involved going forward, the expected timeframe and who he will blame for moving the football if the plan fails and he falls on his ass.
E-MAIL YOUR FAVORITE STEEL RESERVE STORY TO: firstname.lastname@example.org