If Mel Gibson isn’t evidence enough that some Christians are more than just a little crazy (what’s worse, his movies or his real life?), today’s news that a billboard land owner was threatened for an advertisement it sold might make you wonder if Deuteronomy 23:2 is as wild as Christianity can get (what’s the Old Testament’s thing with dudes’ dicks anyway?). The billboard, purchased for $3,875 by the United Coalition of Reason, said, “Don’t believe in God? You’re not alone,” and listed a Web site where people who don’t believe they’ll go to hell if someone chops off their “privy member” can get information on atheism, agnosticism and humanism. Threats to the landowner forced the ad to be moved to another location and replaced with one that said, “If there was no god we’d kill you today.”
THURSDAY NOV. 12
There are many words one might use to describe the average Republican — conservative, white and old are normally pretty accurate designations. Today Republican Chairman Michael Steele, who by being black is one of the few people to break the aforementioned stereotype, made sure that one word will never again be used to describe the GOP: hypocritical. Steele today dropped elective abortion coverage from all Republican Party employees’ insurance plans in order to continue blocking the coverage from health care reform proposals without looking like a total dick. Steele said he didn’t know why the abortion coverage had been included since 1991 but speculated that it had something to do with proving that Republicans really did think “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was a reasonable solution to things.
FRIDAY NOV. 13
We at WWE! would not be able to produce such
childish and angry distinguished and thoughtful commentary if we were not allowed to drink some adult sodas during our research (sometimes we spice things up by taking a shot every time a city council member praises the police — wasted!)
SATURDAY NOV. 14
It’s almost always sad when a father outlives a son, with most exceptions involving people who listen to Kid Rock (they can ride the Coors Lite train straight to hell). Today the Kings Island rollercoaster The Beast began contemplating a future without its rambunctious and fairly dangerous son, Son of Beast, as reports suggest that Junior’s recent half-season closing could last forever. Son of Beast carried on the wooden-coaster legacy of its father by including the first-ever wooden loop, huge scary hills and actual dangers such as loose timber connections, rapid bolt-hole wear and track misalignment, but operators suspect the cost of maintenance, pending lawsuits and possibility of flipping people up into the air are too risky to continue its operation.
SUNDAY NOV. 15
Butler County Sheriff Rick Jones is known for taking matters into his own hands — sending the federal government bills for stuff it didn’t ask you to do takes some pretty big
cojones balls. The Enquirer today reported that leaders in Hamilton’s Hispanic community are concerned over the jefe de policía’s sheriff’s latest attempt to limit the rights of its Latino Latino population by canceling vehicle registrations for anyone who doesn’t have an Ohio ID card. Civil rights groups have argued that Ohio law doesn’t require an Ohio driver’s license to register a coche vehicle and noted that immigration issues are of the federal government’s concern, not up to some local hijo de tu puta madre … sheriff.
MONDAY NOV. 16
No one thinks that a man hitting a woman is funny, and although many people laugh at the thought of a woman hitting a man, that’s not funny either. The Columbus-Dispatch today argued that Ohio has developed a culture of tolerance for domestic violence by not arresting people enough or providing adequate support for victims. Its investigation found that domestic violence would overtake drunk driving as Ohio’s top crime if police made arrests in all domestic violence calls, though analysts admitted that many of the drunk-driving arrests only occur because a domestic violence incident isn’t settled and an angry drunk man takes his truck out and drives it all crazy.
TUESDAY NOV. 17
The Washington Redskins football team has many problems — poor scouting, lousy drafts and fat dudes dressed up as female pigs at every home game are all pressing concerns for this NFL franchise. But one thing the team can cross off its list for next season is addressing the issue of whether or not the team name is racist. The Supreme Court today turned down an appeal from a group of Native Americans who for 17 years have asked the Redskins to please not use a stereotype of their people as intimidation when playing against teams named after scary animals. The court refused to comment on whether or not the mascot is racist, though it did include a reference to Super Bowl I when the Atlanta Fighting Whites defeated the New Orleans Negroes in overtime.
IT'S VERY LONELY IN HERE. HELLO? HELLO?: firstname.lastname@example.org