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Nov. 4-10: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · November 11th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY NOV. 4

It’s pretty clear that no one is ever going to solve the whole chicken or the egg thing (the notion of existence is waaay too absurd). But that’s not going to stop Kentucky legislators from working through their own version of this existential dilemma, as Ohio’s legalization of casino gambling has forced them to rethink their casino-gaming chicken and horse-racing egg (or is it the other way around?). According to The Enquirer, the state’s horse industry has long argued that slots are necessary to keep people from going to surrounding states’ casinos, even though the existence of casinos in the Kentucky could negatively impact current horse business. House Speaker Greg Stumbo in June attempted to aid the horse industry by proposing a bill to allow racetrack slots without casinos but the Republican-held Senate took it into committee and pooped on it.

THURSDAY NOV. 5

It doesn’t take a lot of experience to succeed in today’s American political system — just look at how Barack Obama won the presidency with his smooth talking and impressive graphic designers. Local Cincinnati Tea Party organizer Mike Wilson today announced his intention to follow in Obama’s footsteps and run for an Ohio House seat. The 32-year-old Wilson, whose political experience pre-Tea Party was limited to organizing the office coffee fund at his Springfield Township IT job (“25 cents a cup — God hates a thief!”), must first win the Republican primary against several candidates whose names have appeared on ballots before. Wilson acknowledged that his inexperience could be a detriment to the campaign but said he’s confident that his “Change Things Back” platform will be even more successful than Obama’s original.

FRIDAY NOV. 6

Generational differences have frustrated American adults since the earliest days of the nation (many of Thomas Jefferson’s letters describe his kids running around with their trousers hanging half off their asses).

But today’s parents and high school rule-makers are facing an even more complicated situation: whether or not kids should come to school dressed as the opposite gender if they feel more comfortable that way. The New York Times today described recent instances of kids being sent home for wearing girls’ wigs or boys’ suits. Though many schools have chosen to institute dress codes to avoid the issue, psychologists have warned against making both genders wear khakis because girls’ and boys’ butts look the same in them and then the straight kids start to wonder if they’re gay.

SATURDAY NOV. 7

With the economy contributing to huge deficits for lawmakers across the state, Ohio officials are being forced to make really difficult decisions regarding their 2010 budgets (Simon Leis even agreed to try to squeeze his huge head into an XXL motorcycle helmet next year instead of ordering his custom 4X). The AP today reported that the new budget has hit Ohio’s adoption services pretty hard, reducing their funding by 40 percent over the next two years. The agency also suffered from a reduction in subsidies for foster parents and said people really should adopt instead of assuming that their own kids will look like them or be good at the same sports they were in high school.

SUNDAY NOV. 8

The AP reported today that George Bush’s political enemies over at FEMA are back at their not-so-hilariously incompetent ways — this time under Obama’s watch — as new homeland security rules are threatening to waste millions of dollars-worth of equipment. The problem, according to a surprisingly well-researched Enquirer story, is that the new rules have shifted the maintenance cost for existing equipment to local jurisdictions, which are more likely to use federal grants to buy new stuff than spend their own money fixing old shit. County Commissioner David Pepper, whose father taught him the value of a dollar by making him pay his own cable bill in college, said the situation is ridiculous and then misquoted Kanye West trying to insult FEMA.

MONDAY NOV. 9

We at WWE! have never had an abortion so we can’t really comprehend the emotions involved in the process — but we once traded a Ken Griffey, Jr. rookie card right before the Reds got him so we fully understand loss and regret. The U.S. House of Representatives today moved to limit such emotional decision-making by including in its most recent health-overhaul bill a restriction of government health care tax credits to insurance plans that don’t cover abortions. Abortion-rights activists say this disproportionately affects lower-income women because rich people’s parents can pay for their abortions out of what’s left in their pockets after paying higher taxes to support lower-income people’s babies who weren’t aborted because of the insurance.

TUESDAY NOV. 10

If you can look at a picture of a centaur and not immediately scream, “UGH MAN! LOOK AT THAT FREAK!” then there’s something wrong with you. There’s also something not right about scientists in England, who today began a new study to determine what the boundaries should be for putting human DNA in animals. The scientists say there are good reasons for growing human ears on a mouse’s back or giving a rat Down’s Syndrome and trying to cure it, though they recognize that it might upset some people who fear the discussion that could take place if cows are given too many human brain cells and begin to talk about what really happens on farms.


ELECTRONIC MAIL: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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