We here at Minimum Gauge were very conflicted when we heard the news that Steven Tyler was leaving Aerosmith. On the one hand (the bigger, more convinced one), the dissolution is overdue and they should have stopped about 10 years ago after they made all that money and tarnished their legend with such non-classics as “Love in an Elevator” and “Crazy” (or “Amazing” or whatever other song they replicated like a cheesy ballad factory at the height of cheesy ballad season).
Still, we appreciate what the band did while they were on drugs, so if Aerosmith does die we’ll listen to our scratched vinyl copy of Toys in the Attic (one of the best American Rock albums ever) and have an O’Doul’s in the members’ honor.
Then we heard that guitarist Joe Perry (who himself once left Aerosmith for a pretty unremarkable, definitely unsuccessful “solo” career) plans to at least explore the option of carrying on Aerosmith with a new singer. We thought that ad in CityBeat’s classifieds last week sounded familiar: “Successful elderly musical ensemble seeks large-lipped crooner.
Must have colorful, extensive scarf collection, working knowledge of every Mick Jagger stage move and little to no shame. Early-bird dinner provided. Hot daughter optional.”
P.S. Also Please Write Good Songs Again
Some die-hard AC/DC fans are asking the band to cease being boring. The fan site acdcfans.net posted an open letter to the group members, asking (remarkably politely, mostly) for the band to stop playing the exact same set at every tour stop. Devotees who follow AC/DC and see multiple shows (aka “nerds”) are becoming bored by the immovable set list, so the note pleaded with the group to throw in something for the fans who “eat, sleep and shit AC/DC.” (Note to superfans: Call and make an appointment with your doctors immediately if anal AC/DC discharge continues).
The note also suggested that perhaps even Angus and the other AC/DC dudes might enjoy the shows more.
We continue to suspect the band is merely a cleverly constructed robot gang built out of refurbished Chuck E. Cheese animatronic “musicians.” So looking for things like spontaneity, unprogramed memories and human emotion from the band members is pretty futile.
Going Gaga for Hair
In the past few months, Minimum Gauge has “reported” on way too many stories about famous hair, from auctions selling what was allegedly Elvis’ shorn locks to a jeweler who was taking fibers from Michael Jackson’s hair and, again allegedly, putting the carbon into diamonds.
Now Pop music weirdo du jour Lady Gaga has jumped on the trend. The singer’s Christmas-cash-in reissue of her album The Fame will include an edition that comes with a “special art book” and a lock of Ms. Gaga’s hair. Well, a lock of Ms. Gaga’s wig anyway — because real hair would be weird? All this for only $115! It's going to be the best Christmas ever!