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Oct. 21-27: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 28th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY OCT. 21

When we at WWE! heard that the Cincinnati Tea Party was planning to spend the second half of this week participating in something called “We Surround Him,” we thought, “Good, if those assholes are busy doing weird shit to god they won’t bother the rest of us.” But it turns out that the Tea Partiers weren’t planning a sacrifice for Touchdown Jesus, they were spacing themselves along I-275 exits in order to literally surround Rep. Steve Driehaus for supporting health care reform. Organizers say their ability to surround such a large area is a testament to the strength of their grassroots movement, though a Driehaus aid said the group was invited to his Price Hill office but they were scared to go there because of some stuff they saw on the news.

THURSDAY OCT. 22

Sometimes the best way to get a business or social service to run smoothly is to turn it over to a private company — just look at how good a job Duke Energy does when all the trees get blown down. Kentucky in 2005 did the same thing with its prison food service, which resulted in a dramatic decrease in prisoner meal satisfaction. According to The Lexington-Herald Leader, ratings of Kentucky’s prison food since 2003 have dropped from 5.84 to 3.24 out of 10, with specific locations suffering a drop as big as 6.13 to 2.66 (and then having a totally unrelated riot). A spokeswoman for the company said the inmates have “self-interested motivations” for criticizing the food (they have to eat it?) and blamed the guards for causing riots by playing Ben Affleck movies when Vin Diesel was scheduled.

FRIDAY OCT. 23

Those of us who regularly watch Fox News know that there’s a huge difference between the rightwing commentators and the legitimate news reporters who are both fair and balanced (the reporters’ faces are way less ugly).

The Obama administration proved this week that it is so unsuperficial that it can’t tell the difference between the station’s opinion (Obama is the devil) and facts (Fox ratings are high) and last month sent a White House advisor to meet with a Fox News executive to discuss the potential repercussions of Fox treating the administration like it sucks as bad as the Washington Redskins. Fox never admitted that it is inherently anti-Obama, according to people briefed on the meeting, but did admit that Glenn Beck is one of those people who never takes off his underwear.

SATURDAY OCT. 24

There are many times when even the most nonreligious person needs to dabble in the language of the lord: “Jesus Christ!” “Holy shit!” and “God fucking dammit!” all have appropriate uses for even the Biblically uninitiated. The U.S. State Department today released its list of countries that repress religion the most, and topping the list is a couple of contemporary international bad boys: North Korea and Iran. According to the report, these countries block almost all unapproved religious activity and threaten religious minorities, which is like 10 times worse than the U.S.’s practice of only including Christian stuff on money and Southern license plates.

SUNDAY OCT. 25

Some decisions in life are really easy to make: chocolate over vanilla; summer over winter; Gore over Bush (oops!). The Enquirer today unveiled another seemingly obvious choice when it explained how Cincinnati’s public libraries are finding increasing interest from people who prefer to watch movies than read books. But it turns out that the reported circulation of more videos than books at 11 of Cincinnati’s 41 libraries has less to do with how awesome Spiderman 2 was and more to do with the fact that most of them are located in lower-income neighborhoods. The trend has upset both traditional book lovers (the elderly) and people who hate when poor people get free stuff (Republicans), though a spokesperson for the Public Libraries Association said it’s Blockbuster’s fault it doesn’t succeed in the city because the candy is too expensive.

MONDAY OCT. 26

There’s only one thing that journalists love more than a city council meeting that ends early, and that’s when two councilpersons start talking mass shit to each other (“Oh, hell naw! Chairman said yo motion is denied and you gay as hell!”). The Enquirer today detailed a good spat that ended Monday’s three-hour budget meeting, when Leslie Ghiz, after giving her speaking time to Chris Bortz, tried to speak again only to have Laketa Cole say: “Talk to the hand.” The exchange was caught on tape by several TV and radio stations, some of which captured Bortz making cat noises into his microphone during the exchange.

TUESDAY OCT. 27

Those of us who spend much of our free time trying to create a perpetual motion machine (it would make a lot of money) were interested to read today about a local source of constant movement that has existed for quite some time: the Ohio River. The Enquirer reported today that American Municipal Power, Inc. has invested more than $2 billion in hydro power plants along the river, which flows past Cincinnati pretty much all the time. AMP CEO Marc Gerken said the downside to hydro power is that it costs more upfront, which often negates the future gains even though there’s zero cost if the water keeps moving on its own, and compared the situation to the chicken and egg thing if chickens cost half as much as eggs and but you don’t know how to get them pregnant.

to receive something for NOTHINg, e-mail: dcross@citybeat.com

 
 
 
 

 

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