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Conflicted in Colerain

By Maija Zummo · October 21st, 2009 · Dear Maija
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Dear Maija,
I’m in a fantasy baseball league with a coworker and a bunch of his weird family members and their friends. Last year my buddy won a football league that most of these same dudes were in and nobody paid him the league fees even though the commissioner explicitly wrote in the league chat room, “DO NOT PLAY IF YOU DON’T WANT TO PAY!” Anyway, my coworker’s brother won the baseball league this year and I’m going to pay him because their family is Italian and the movies have made me afraid of stereotypes, but a couple of my friends aren’t going to because they live out of town. Should I feel bad that the dude who won this wasn’t one of the cheapskates from last year or should I just write some kind of sexual innuendo in the memo of the check I send him and move on?

— Conflicted in Colerain

Hold on.

You mean to tell me that there are actual wagers in fantasy sports leagues? That is the craziest shit I have ever heard. What is wrong with you? You’re gambling on something that doesn’t even exist in our world. Pay this dude his money because you don’t deserve to have any. None of you fantasy ballers do. Also, Conflicted, here’s an important life lesson to take with you: Never insult an Italian man’s masculinity by writing him a gay innuendo in the memo part of a check. You’re gonna get killed and no one will ever find your body because it’ll be ground up and put into Nonna’s Sunday lasagna. Capice?

Does Matarese know about this?,
Maija


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