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Oct. 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 21st, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY OCT. 14
There are some things that even the dumbest kid doesn’t need his mom to tell him more than once: The stove is hot, scary movies aren’t real and eating at Taco Bell will make you poop your pants. A new study hopes to put another surprisingly debatable issue to rest — whether hanging out in a room full of cigarette smoke is bad for the people who aren’t even smoking. The study says that when places stop allowing cancerous things to be burned indoors their number of heart attacks go down anywhere from 6 to 47 percent. Many business owners have resisted smoking bans for fear of losing patrons, though the study notes that others have convinced people to stop smoking by using new versions of 1980s “Just Say No” commercials.

THURSDAY OCT. 15
Wanna know what’s more annoying than having to register to vote, remember that it’s voting day, wait in line to vote and then try to figure out who the fuck the Charterites are? It’s having to do all that stuff just to vote on whether or not you get to vote again later. The Enquirer today explained how the passage of Issue 9 on Nov. 3 would be just Round 1 of passenger-rail voting because it will require the public approval of all rail spending, beginning a series of annual votes on whether trains are a good thing and highways are the devil, or if it’s the other way around. Should Issue 9 pass, Round 2 will likely be a vote on the streetcar in the May primary, with Rounds 3 through infinity occurring every six months until new technology makes both trains and cars obsolete.

FRIDAY OCT. 16
Many people have legitimate reasons to be against casino gambling: unfair odds, tacky décor and enough noise to give even the most relaxed person a seizure (DING! DING! DING! DING! ... DONG! DONG! DONG! ... BING! BONG! BING! BONG!). The Catholic Church today gave its own reasons for its parishioners to vote against Issue 3: moral, social and economic issues.

The church didn’t go into specifics, largely because it doesn’t find it immoral for people to gamble at its own social events, but expressed concern about the casino measure potentially outlawing gambling or cutting into its profits so much that Elder wouldn’t be able to put on its all-boy version of A Chorus Line next year.

SATURDAY OCT. 17
Even the most flaming socialist liberal knows that you have to spend money to make money (the printing press uses electricity). West Chester Republican John Boehner knows even more about this sort of thing, as The Enquirer reported today that part of his anti-liberal crusade support of fellow Republicans includes using what’s called a “leadership committee” to legally raise money from special interest groups to spend on himself and his supporters. Since 2007, Boehner has aided the Republican Party by golfing at more than three dozen resorts, staying at the Peninsula Beverly Hills for more than $500 a night and eating at the French restaurants in New York City. Boehner’s leadership committee is called the Freedom Project, which insiders say is a play on words that he thinks keeps Barack Obama from controlling him.

SUNDAY OCT. 18
We at WWE! enjoy reading our Cincinnati Enquirer on Sundays — it’s thick like newspapers used to be, and the extra puns make us laugh and laugh. Today’s edition was especially exciting because it contained The Enquirer’s City Council endorsements, which included people like the recently unendorsed Jeff Berding, P&G veteran Amy Murray (who speaks Japanese!) and Charlie Winburn, the dude who organized the public shaming of CityBeat last year (how’d that lawsuit taste, bitch?). The Enquirer expressed its respect for the candidates it couldn’t endorse, especially those who did such a wonderful job making the police look like dicks during the last term.

MONDAY OCT. 19
If you’ve ever smoked the weed and then spent hours trying to figure out if your neighbor really needed a gasoline-powered lawn edger or if he was planning on killing you for being too loud, then you understand one of the most common side effects of marijuana: paranoia. Today thousands of legal users of the drug breathed a cloudy sigh of relief, as the federal government formally told federal prosecutors they have better things to do than arrest marijuana distributors in licensed states. The memo is expected to relieve thousands of cancer patients, elderly people suffering from glaucoma and nearly every citizen of Berkeley, Calif., while increasing sales of Pizza Hut’s cheesy ring pan pizza because the commercials are too freaky to ignore.

TUESDAY OCT. 20
Sometimes when public perception isn’t going your way you have to do the ol’ John Kerry flip-flop — it didn’t work for him, but at least he had a chance. Lawyers for McCreary and Pulaski counties in Kentucky today cruised into the U.S. 6th Circuit Court of Appeals in their pro-Commandment swift boats and argued that the Ten Commandments that was banned from their courthouses by the Supreme Court in 1999 is now part of an educational/historical display that's no longer religious. The new display — which includes the Bill of Rights, lyrics to the “Star Spangled Banner” and a diagram of where babies come from — is in response to a 2005 Supreme Court ruling that the display was for “religious purposes” in the first place, though the court originally allowed the one about the neighbor’s wife to stay because that’s messed up.


ARE YOU A COMIC DORK? DON'T EMAIL: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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