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Oct. 7-13: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 14th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY OCT. 7
It’s generally assumed that neighbors are pests who think their proximity to others constitutes automatic friendship, when it really just means they earn similar salaries or are afraid of the same minorities. Cincinnati’s Westsiders are no exception, and that’s why City Councilman Jeff Berding on Tuesday asked Council to repay a group of police-evading vandals proactive citizens called Westwood Concern for the plywood they illegally put on a druggy home in their ’hood last April. The Enquirer reported today that the group has written several requests to the city for the $98 of plywood it used to give the abandoned home a more authentic crack house look than the simple locks the police put on the doors. Council on Tuesday sent the request to the finance committee, but only after Berding refused to build the plywood into Elder-themed cornhole boxes because he was scared of hitting himself with a hammer.

THURSDAY OCT. 8
The separation of church and state means different things to different people: For some, it’s the most appropriate way to fairly govern a diverse group of people; for others, it’s an undemocratic burden that makes life seem unfair like what God did to Job. Lockland residents on both sides of the argument are anxiously awaiting a federal court decision over whether the display of the Ten Commandments outside their town hall is unconstitutional. Judges generally rule that the Ten Commandments is allowed if it’s for historical purposes but not to judge or scare the shit out of people. A rally for the Commandments scheduled for Sunday was poorly attended because the goddam Bengals were on TV.

FRIDAY OCT. 9
When we at WWE! heard that NASA was scheduled to shoot a rocket at the moon today, we thought, “Good, that thing’s too scary when it’s full.” It turns out that the scientists weren’t doing it out of spite but were actually hoping to find evidence of water in the explosion that could help humans once we pollute all of ours.

The scientists successfully shot two rockets at the moon, but the live images of the crash cut out before the six-mile-long plume of lunar wreckage dust got bashed off. NASA is currently trying to determine what happened upon impact but so far has refused to share any details in case the rocket’s digital camera wasn’t waterproof and the experiment actually worked.

SATURDAY OCT. 10
Most of us don’t expect to be very good looking by the time we’re 40 — we know how much work it takes celebrities and rich people to keep their faces nice and square as they age (talking a lot?). The Enquirer today reported that former local newscaster and current FoxNews anchor Gretchen Carlson was recently honored by MORE Magazine in a list of people who are “MORE beautiful At 40 Than 20,” a recognition that Carlson appreciated even though it also insinuates that she was uglier at 20 than she is now.

SUNDAY OCT. 11
Hamilton County residents love their sports — we’d gladly pay a half-cent sales tax for the rest of our lives if it meant new stadiums every 20 years, even if they were all as crappy as Great American Ball Park. But for every two games most of us can afford to attend each year, city and county leaders are partying it up in the luxury boxes and spending $20,000 annually in publicly funded concession snacks for their guests, according to a surprisingly thorough report by The Enquirer. The Ohio Ethics Commission has noted that such perks could, at times, just maybe, in certain instances affect the objectivity and independent judgment of a public official, though County Commissioner David Pepper said free seats are important tools for city leaders to show out-of-town guests how gullible Hamilton County residents are interesting and dynamic our riverfront has become.

MONDAY OCT. 12
There’s nothing worse than visiting your local convenience store to pick up a couple giant cans of energy beer and having a big yucky bowl of fruit sitting on the counter next to the chewing gum and cigarette lighters. That’s why national convenience store chain 7-Eleven today began testing a new plastic wrap for its bananas that will keep them looking like they do in cartoons for longer than is naturally expected. The plastic wrap was invented by Fresh Del Monte Produce, a company noted for its innovative ways of making fruit look like it would if you bought it from a farmer instead of a gas station, and will be available at all 5,787 stores by 2010 as long as the fresh-looking fruit doesn’t reduce the number of donut quesadillas and hot dog pizzas they sell.

TUESDAY OCT. 13
Most kids are familiar with the process of bringing home a bad report card and trying to convince Mom to sign it before Dad comes home and takes away the Nintendo. The city of Cincinnati today found itself trying to slip one past the old man with the release of a new survey of America’s smartest cities by Web site The Daily Beast. Cincinnati ranked No. 43 out of America’s 55 metropolitan areas in “relative intelligence,” a combination of education, intellectual environment, nonfiction book sales and percentage of people who actually vote. The smartest city was Raleigh-Durham and the stupidest Fresno, Calif., though research indicates that Butler County wouldn’t have made the honor roll either if it was on its own.


TTYL ROFL: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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