What should I be doing instead of this?
Home · Articles · Columns · Dear Maija · Confused in Colerain

Confused in Colerain

By Maija Zummo · October 7th, 2009 · Dear Maija
1 Comment
Tags: Hudy, fleas, Colerain
Dear Maija,
I recently started drinking Hudy Delight because I think it’s really novel to drink beer that was made in Cincinnati. I also think it’s great that Burger is back in production even though it tastes like it has nickels in it. Anyway, I’m a little bit disappointed in Hudy after seeing their latest commercial with the Bengal babe waving the orange Hudy towel. I don’t mind how cheesy it is, but it’s kind of sexist how she sticks her butt out and really rude that they cut away from the shot when she’s just about to take her shirt off. Should I chalk this one up to a local production company, switch to the nickelbeer or go back to Coors Light?

— Confused in Colerain

For this commercial, some ad wizards who hate when sentences sound good came up with the catchphrase “Show your Hudy,” a command that seems like it’s missing the word “us.” And in order for people who drink cheap shitty beer (teenagers/dudes from Colerain) to understand that this is supposed to be a sexually suggestive pun, they stuck a blonde chick in front of a beer cooler at a gas station with a Hudy T-shirt and koozie. At the end the girl acts like she’s going to show us her “Hudy” by lifting up her shirt, implying that “Hudys” are boobs, which is a conclusion lost on me. Is there breast milk in Hudy or something? Is DHA fortification the “delight” part? If not, this is stupid.

Breasts have a lot of nicknames that are easier to pronounce than who-dee or hue-dee.

But regardless of the idiotic sexism of the commercial, I think it’s important to revel in the novelty of a newly reintroduced vintage Cincinnati beer like Burger, especially because it comes in cute orange and purple cans. But once the “irony” of Burger beer expands and it becomes popular with the mainstream (like mullet jokes with frat boys), you’ll have to switch back to whatever you normally drink.

It’s like if white people started drinking Hennessy,

Dear Maija,
You seem to be a pretty intelligent person, despite the idiocy of the people who write you questions. That’s why I’m coming to you with my problem. I have an adorable little flat-faced Chihuahua/weiner dog named Peanut, who has fleas, and she will not stop rolling around on the carpet and eating women’s underwear. That shit is really pissing off my husband because the rolling around distracts him from TV and the underwear is his. Something’s gonna go down if the fleas don’t go away or he can’t get used to boxer briefs, and I’m not counting on the second one to happen. Do you think I could blame this all on him and spare Peanut’s life?

— Looking for Peanut’s new home in Lawrenceburg

Dogs are actually disgusting. They eat weird things, including dead animals and other dogs’ poop, and they rub their butts and fleas all over your stuff. Have you ever considered not leaving dirty underwear on the floor? If you put your dirty clothes in a hamper in the closet or even up on a chair, Peanut won’t be able to grab them and chew the crotches out.

My Chihuahua used to eat holes in all of my underwear, and then one day she just stopped. I was confused and sort of offended until I realized it was because I stopped being a slob. Also, it’s not possible to get rid of fleas. Honestly. I’ve just started drugging my dogs with Benedryl so they pass out and shut up. You should drug your husband.

Fleas never say die,

SEND YOUR THOUGHT AND PRAYERS TO: dearmaija@citybeat.com



comments powered by Disqus