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Sept. 30-Oct. 6: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 7th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY SEPT. 30
Were you or someone you know home-schooled? If so, there’s nothing to really say to you or your church buddy other than: “Nice sweatpants, dork!” The Enquirer reported today that hundreds of area online students met in Keehner Park in West Chester today for their seasonal interaction with other kids their age. The gathering was organized by Ohio Connections Academy, a taxpayer-funded online charter school that specializes in educating kids without ever letting them know that Google has all the answers. Parents say the gatherings also help them find out if their kids’ friends are actually smart or if their parents just give them all A’s and B’s so they can get scholarships to college.

THURSDAY OCT. 1
Today’s economy is forcing many public officials to make difficult decisions regarding their budgets — wait ’til you hear about all the rich people Gov. Ted Strickland is going to throw under the bus and then drive back and forth over until they’re dead and can’t spend the rest of their money. Things haven’t been as difficult for Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis, who today approved the retirement and then rehiring of his fourth-highest paid employee so he could collect retirement benefits along with his paycheck. Joseph M. Schmitz — who as director of the corrections division helped Leis come up with the line “Goddam jail’s too full!” — retired from his $96,239-a-year job only to be rehired at $95,240 plus whatever benefit package he chose. Leis defended his decision by saying that no one else is qualified for the job because Schmitz is the only person who knows which incarcerated weed dealers are the most dangerous.

FRIDAY OCT. 2
When we at WWE! first heard that the state of Tennessee is super upset that a couple of its Civil War battle flags could still be in Ohio, our first inclination was to think, “Who gives a shit? Fuck Tennessee.” But today’s Enquirer story about the history of the flags and their relevance as symbols of America’s disturbingly racist past Ohio’s totally awesome battalions made us want to sneak into our grandpa’s basement and find one.

The Tennessee State Museum in Nashville wants the two flags — both captured after considerable gunfight and stabbings in 1862 — to add to its impressive collection of Confederate battle flags, which historians say is the largest collection outside of the Dukes of Hazzard museum in Paducah, Ky.

SATURDAY OCT. 3
Those of us too timid to approach a local tea party rally for fear that someone might mistake us for a census worker confuse our curiosity of freaks as genuine interest in the cause were surprised to read today that many of the organization’s members consider themselves to be “average citizens.” The Kentucky Enquirer today explained the concerns of several local totally-not-racist people who are simply worried about their freedom being taken away who for one reason (religion) or another (racism) now feel the need to involve themselves in the political process. According to a Northern Kentucky University political science professor, the tea partiers are acting rationally if they really believe that big government means less freedom but added that it’s difficult to think that’s the only factor because of how many 1984 references they mess up on their protest signs.

SUNDAY OCT. 4
Speaking of governments that scare people, did you hear who Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland wants to make up for the education funding the courts won’t let him collect through lottery slot machines at racetracks? If you guessed rich people, you’re correct. (Congratulations.) According to a recent review of tax records, Strickland’s desire to freeze a planned income tax cut would result in Ohioans who make more than $200,000 a year paying more than 40 percent of the revenue. Strickland said he feels badly for forcing those who make four times the average salary to pay more but that the court is to blame because the slot machines would have collected most of their money from poor people.

MONDAY OCT. 5
There’s an old saying that goes something like, “Once you learn how to ride a bike it’s really easy to do it again at any later point in your life.” The same can’t be said for the education of local transportation planners, who today asked the public what it would take to get more people riding bikes even though it’s kind of their job to know that. A public hearing on Thursday will allow local cyclists to explain to city leaders what they missed during the past 30 years of bicycle planning in other cities, with the possibility of their input being transcribed into a comprehensive bike plan to be ignored for the next 30 years.

TUESDAY OCT. 6
There are computer engineers who believe the security functions in common WiFi routers are good enough for the average Internet user, but those people have never lived next door to a computer dork who downloads seasons of Northern Exposure on their shiz every weekend (try saving it, dumbass!). Luckily, the University of Tokyo has developed a special paint that blocks WiFi signals so no one can grub on your wireless signal or find out that you sometimes download Sex and the City when you’re bored (the older one is so sassy!). The paint works by including aluminum-iron oxide particles, which resonate like radio waves and keep your Internets safely inside your sparkly painted home.


E-MAIL BICYCLE SAFETY TIPS TO: oldshit@cincinnati.gov


 
 
 
 

 

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