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Sept. 23-29: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · September 30th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY SEPT. 23

If the 2004 election made you think, “Goddammit, there are too many Christians in this country,” then a new report released today will probably make you feel more comfortable about the amount of neighbors you have who believe they'll be reunited with Elvis when they die. According to the report, “American Nones: Profile of the No Religion Population,” Americans who don’t align themselves with any specific faith have grown to 15 percent of the population and one day could surpass the biggest denominations (suck it Catholics!). With 22 percent of current 18- to 29-year-olds reporting no faith, researchers predict that in 20 years the Nones could account for 20 percent of the U.S. population due to religious people dying and today’s generation raising its kids to believe that the Internet is god.

THURSDAY SEPT. 24

Barack Obama might not have everyone agreeing with his health care plan (hey, some of us don’t want the government to kill us), but his thoughts on Kanye West have been pretty on the mark. Obama today took his act to the United Nations — a land which belongs to no country, only the humans who rule powerful ones — and pitched an idea even more popular than criticizing Kanye: eliminating nuclear weapons in the world. Presiding over a historic Security Council meeting, Obama sponsored a resolution committing all nations to work hard for a nuke-free world. Attendees said the meeting was going so well that world peace was within view until German Chancellor Angela Merkel suggested the U.S. give up its nukes and everyone laughed at her.

FRIDAY SEPT. 25

The Cincinnati Enquirer today took a break from publishing photos of babes tailgating to dabble in a little journalistic technique called “criticism of public officials.” In a story titled “9 - 4 = Dysfunction,” the city’s favorite breaker of hilarious arrest stories published an editorial explaining how City Council all year long has had a five-person majority making all the decisions, from 2010 budget cuts to whether or not Leslie Ghiz is allowed to use more than 144 characters in her motions.

The story, which had no byline because Enquirer news reporters are afraid that someone on Council might have been on the wrestling team in high school, deemed the two sides the “Favored Five” and the “Forlorn Four” and argued that voters this fall should vote one of the five out so it could go back to the “No-Power Nine” like it was under Charlie Luken.

SATURDAY SEPT. 26

When we at WWE! are promised things, we expect to get them under the conditions agreed upon. (That’s why we don’t shop at Men’s Warehouse — we don’t ever like the way we look in suits, and if they try to guarantee it they’re just asking for a brick through the window.) An attorney for nearly executed Romell Broom has argued that by poking Broom with a needle 18 times during a two-hour failed execution attempt Sept. 15 the state reneged on the slow and painless death it promised him. U.S. District Court Judge Gregory Frost rescheduled for Nov. 30 a hearing on whether Broom received cruel or unusual punishment or if it can go ahead and try to kill his ass again, though records show that a bailiff offered to shoot him in the head right there and was denied.

SUNDAY SEPT. 27

Everyone knows that the best way to defend yourself against an animal is to run really fast at it with your arms in the air (cats are especially scared of this). National Geographic News reported today that a reptile called the Spanish ribbed newt offers a similar reaction when threatened, but when it rises up to look big its spine punctures its own skin to make itself spiky like a dinosaur. The animal, which scientists are calling the “Freak Newt,” is barely even hurt by the punctures and quickly grows new skin then goes about its non-threatened daily activities. Researchers say they weren’t even studying the spikes until one scientist was attacked while trying to pull off the newt’s tail.

MONDAY SEPT. 28

Most people think that the heart of the casino debate is how much crime and social devastation will take place when one is built in Ohio. But The Enquirer today reported that the latest arguments from both sides of the issue are less about how many housewives will decide to become hookers and more about how many jobs will be created if Issue 3 passes in November. Proponents of the issue — who promise the most fun possible when betting your money on 40 percent odds — say 34,000 Ohioans will be put to work. Opponents of Issue 3 say out-of-state casino workers are going to take most of those jobs and that for every jackpot winner one local child will try smoking crack for the first time.

TUESDAY SEPT. 29

There are three possible reactions to putting a pro-gay-rights bill in front of a Republican legislator: He’ll either a) Say “Ugh, man! Shit is gay!” b) Tell you he can’t because his dad will kill him or c) Reach across the table and give you an HJ. Republican state senators last week chose the first one, arguing that the anti-discrimination bill that passed the Democratic-controlled House Sept. 15 is too queer anti-business to get through the GOP-led Senate. State Sen. Bill Seitz (R-Green Township) said the Equal Housing and Employment Act would provide yet another basis for discrimination lawsuits, which companies already hate defending because of how often women bitch and moan about things at work.


DO YOU LIKE PIZZA? E-MAIL: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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