A couple of my bros got a hold of a state-used ID printing machine and are about to make mass money selling fakes to other kids at UC. They’re only interested in a third person joining the business because it’s difficult to be available to all the 20-year-olds between our classes and all, so I feel like I’m lucky they’re offering to include me. If we can sell these bitches for $50 a pop all winter I think we could make enough to go to Cancun for spring break. I know jail sucks or whatever, but I’m sick of going to Panama with all the poor kids. Would you judge me if I got my Cancun money doing this?
— Broke Bearcat in Clifton
Panama City sucks.
I went there for SB02 (seniors rule!) with some friends. We got matching airbrushed T-shirts, one of the girls got hit by a car and I ended up making out with a 40-year-old British roadie for Bush. Eventually we decided to leave early because watching people get wet for MTV is boring and it’s hard to find old dudes who want to buy you beer all the time. Now it’s 2009 (Spring Break 2010), and I bet MTV wouldn’t be caught dead in Panama City anymore (not even Nick Lachey). So if you think fake IDs are your ticket to Cancun with its swim-up bars and bacteria-riddled water supply, then I say go for it. But go for it now before flu season is in full effect. October is the cruelest month, and you want to be sure to extort the healthy, desperate and alcohol-deprived collegiate youth before they are stricken with Swine Flu. People are going to die. Schools are going to close. It’s going to be 1918 all over again and you aren’t going to be able to spit in the streets without getting arrested. Who even knows if Mexico will still be there by March?
They make their monkeys smoke cigarettes,
ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN RIDE A MECHANICAL BULL? E-MAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org