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Annoyed in Anderson

By Maija Zummo · September 23rd, 2009 · Dear Maija

Dear Maija,
I find it completely unfair how the media treats our celebrities, and since you’re in the media I have a little question to ask you: Shut up, I’m not even going to ask you a question. You’re just going to talk more shit about Kanye acting like a dick or David Hasselhoff getting wasted… just like they do every other week of the year. Is this really news? (Not a question �— rhetorical.) Kanye West has given Indie rockers more street cred than they’ve ever had, and David Hasselhoff saved like a million people with all the life lessons he learned from his talking car. How do you explain the negativity?

— Annoyed in Anderson

Kanye West was created by the U.S. government as a distraction (he’s a robot), and since the media (even People magazine) is controlled by the White House, all outlets were required to report on how Obama called Kanye a “jackass” for being mean to Taylor Swift just so the public won’t figure out that the government is trying to solve the health care crisis by killing poor people via the swine flu. I’m not saying all celebrities are robots, or horses, even though they have “handlers,” but once they started taking their noses off in the early ‘80s, we were allowed to stop being nice.

US Magazine tries to tell you that celebrities are “Just Like Us,” but I don’t get airbrushed by a team of homosexuals every morning before I head to Starbucks. Do you? CGI and auto-tuning have edited these talentless tanorexics into relevance. Kanye ruined fashion and David Hasslehoff ruined hamburgers (see YouTube). And if Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t stop talking about her poop, I’m never going to be able to eat yogurt again.

- Do celebrities even have buttholes?

Dear Maija,
I am a twentysomething recent college grad who is extremely liberal and perishing in the conservative bubble of West Chester. If I go on one more date with a guy who turns out to have a Palin fetish or thinks I’m a baby-killing terrorist, I might have to pull my hair out. The writers at CityBeat are always so witty and refreshing. There wouldn’t happen to be any single, tall males around the office that are in need of a date, would there?

— Looking for Love, West Chester

Single? Yes. Tall? No. Looking, trust me, you wouldn’t want to be set up with any of them unless you enjoy spending your nights watching guys take their shirts off and bench press things like barstools or your friends. They’re all egomaniacs with drinking problems.

“Witty” is a relative term,




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