There’s nothing worse than being condescending toward someone and having it get flipped around so you’re the one who looks like a dick. Today the people who will have to deal with the legal ramifications of the confusing wording on the anti-streetcar ballot said to its supporters, “Yeah, your anti ‘choo choo train’ bill could ruin a real choo choo train, you asses.” The choo choo in question is the Safari Train at the Cincinnati Zoo, which City Solicitor John Curp says could have its funding process affected by the Nov. 3 ballot measure requiring a public vote before “any monies” are spent on passenger rail. COAST co-founder Chris Finney said streetcar proponents are just being dramatic and that his partner Chris Smitherman has personal interest in maintaining the Safari Train because he was riding it the first time he touched a girl’s boob.
THURSDAY SEPT. 17
Being a young person in Cincinnati is awesome — there are tons of parks you can drive your car to, lots of music venues with accessible parking lots and even professional sports teams with garages conveniently located underneath them. But despite the many attractions for young people, a consulting firm that recently analyzed the region has determined that Cincinnati’s biggest draw for young people is that it’s cheap to live here. The firm, Next Generation Consulting, advised the city to promote its value when attempting to attract younger residents, much in the same way Hyundai has promoted itself in order to compete with Japanese cars
by getting poor people to buy them even though they suck. The firm also warned that attracting too many young people would eventually negate Cincinnati’s advantage because prices would go up and they’d all leave.
FRIDAY SEPT. 18
If you’re good at sports then you are worth more to society than other people — it’s been that way since back when tribes needed good fighters and the Romans needed someone really strong to carry Jesus and the cross at the same time.
Butler County Judge Andrew Nastoff might be a good judge, but he’s probably a terrible soccer player judging by his sentencing of a 19-year-old to not play organized sports during his five-year probation sentence. Nastoff said sports had turned the young man into a “Frankenstein monster” who would be better served maturing in the streets of Middletown than on a college or professional football field. Defense attorney Frank Schiavone said his client appreciated being spared the entire jail sentence but insinuated that Nastoff was actually just trying to stop the kid from playing football for Ohio State instead of UC where he went.
SATURDAY SEPT. 19
With the state of Ohio inching ever closer to legalizing casino gambling, Northern Kentucky leaders are realizing how close they are to getting Ohio’s figurative D in their anti-gambling B. Rep. Dennis Keene (D-Wilder) said as much today when he lamented his state’s future economic losses to Ohio once Cincinnati builds a casino to compete with Southeastern Indiana for Kentucky’s money. Keene predicted that property values will rise, empty storefronts will open and that the people who sell bootleg DVDs on Main Street will begin paying royalties to the studios for every sale.
SUNDAY SEPT. 20
Those of us who root for sports teams based on the voting pattern of their respective fan bases watched today’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Dallas Cowboys with considerable interest (Go G-Men! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!). The game opened with a coin toss by former President and noted Texas dweller George W. Bush and a video comparing the Cowboys’ new stadium to the Great Wall of China and the Parthenon. After kicking the gamewinning field goal as time expired, New York kicker Lawrence Tynes said to a reporter, “If it’s ever inevitable that terrorists will attack us, then I hope this crass monument to Jerry Jones’ small penis…” but was interrupted when Eli Manning ran over and slapped him on the ass.
MONDAY SEPT. 21
There are many reasons that businesses undertake progressive measures: Some believe in social causes; some fear public backlash if they don’t change; and some think they’ll make more money if they act like they care about people. Avis and Budget rental car companies have recently joined the latter group by banning smoking in their entire North American fleets. USA Today compared the move to the 1990 ban on smoking in airplanes and buses, Amtrack’s 1994 ban on smoking and the FAA’s decision to ban liquids on planes in order to boost shampoo sales in airports. A spokesman for the Avis Budget Group said the move is one of several scheduled policy changes, including an extremely progressive attempt at stopping people from using the emergency brake instead of the pedal just because they don’t own the car.
TUESDAY SEPT. 22
Sometimes opportunities to score good deals on things present themselves during times when it might not be so appropriate to spend money (ask Sarah Palin). City Councilman Chris Monzel today proved that he’s so serious about the city’s budget deficit that he’ll pass on a two-for-one deal on an urban forest flyover to analyze the tree population and help the environment. Laketa Cole, Chairwoman of City Council’s finance committee, was originally going to let Monzel speak to the committee when it voted on Monday, but he allegedly showed up to the meeting with a Biggie-sized Coke and she called him a hypocrite and made him leave.
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A 5-FOOT-10-INCH EGOMANIAC WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM? E-MAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org