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Cool/Uncool

By Danny Cross and Maija Zummo · September 16th, 2009 · Special
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New TV shows

Danny: Um, I’m really smart and artsy so I don’t even own a TV. Just kidding! I have a giant HD TV with like 1,000 channels. If you don’t watch 30 Rock you’re so, so stupid.

Maija: Last season I caught up on LOST so now I can watch it with my friends and they won’t yell at me when I ask logical questions about why there’s a polar bear on the island or how come the fat guy lives in the past. Also, I watch 30 Rock so Danny won’t think I’m stupid.

Football

Danny: Football is awesome. Giant freaks of nature have a contest to see who can take a ball from one side of a field to the other. I heard the Patriots tried to get Tom Brady and Venus Williams to have a baby together so they could draft him. The game is only going to get cooler.

Maija: I give football zero out of five Roethlisbergers on my Fall Fun-o-Meter. Like John Fox says, all pro-football players are rapists. Like I say, they’re all pituitary cases who hit each other according to a set of rules I’ll never understand because I don’t give a shit.

Scarves

Danny: Scarves do a good job of keeping your neck warm but kind of make you look like a pussy. The general rule is that scarves on men are acceptable only if you’re within the Cincinnati city limits. Clifton, OK. Colerain, no way.

Maija: Kanye West and Urban Outfitters made scarves (and sunglasses that don’t work) cliché. I wear one only when it’s cold outside, but I still feel like an asshole.

Pumpkin flavoring

Danny: During the month of October I will buy anything with a pumpkin on it, whether it be beer, coffee or hooded sweatshirts that glow in the dark. Most of these things suck, but they make me laugh.

Maija: Pumpkin flavoring = Pumpkin Spice Latte time = first sign of fall.

It also equals barf because pumpkin flavoring is heavy spicy syrup for babies. A Pumpkin Spice Latte is like the amaretto sour of coffee drinks. You know someone’s a brand new coffee drinker or under 21 if they have one.

Oktoberfest

Danny: Thousands of fat white people converging on our city center like it’s 1920? What, did the Reds win the pennant? When they do I’ll hang out with all you assholes. Oktoberfest takes place in September. Shit doesn’t even make sense.

Maija: I enjoy drinking fall-themed beers in a festival environment. I also like to eat sauerkrat balls and pretzels. But I think watching people do the chicken dance is really embarrassing. I also hate/don’t understand those chicken hats, or the whole Germans chicken theme in general.

Boots

Danny: Boots are for cowboys and people who work hard.

Maija: Boots are like high heels except you don’t have to walk weird when you wear them and you can look put-together without towering over all the dudes at a bar. Guys here are short.

College kids

Danny: With the 2009 DAAP class off to its real jobs in real cities, a new crop of third-years will be slowly making its way into Northside Tavern this fall. We will welcome them as long as they don’t leave their mopeds running outside the patio. Don’t tell any of them I’m almost 30.

Maija: Nothing says fall quite like the return of fresh-faced, young co-eds to the streets of Cincinnati. Thank you DAAP for providing me with all sorts of tight-pantsed, black-glassed, vintage-T-shirt-wearing 21-year-old boys. Now I can actually go to Christy’s and enjoy people watching and the weather without wanting to roofie myself to end it. I’ll have a Christian Moerlein and a Graphic Design major, please.

Bonfires

Danny: Bonfires sound good in theory: hanging out outside, cooking food on sticks, drinking beers with buds. But, when you think about it, they’re just Real TV episodes waiting to happen (and then be reenacted with you looking like a total asshole).

Maija: Bonfires are like cigarettes because it takes days to get that smoky smell out of your hair and clothes (thank God the Southgate House doesn’t have a fire pit). And boys always wind up throwing flammable shit in there, like lighters. That is uncool because explosions scare me.

Thanksgiving

Danny: At the dinner table this year everyone should take a moment to say to the family, “I am thankful for freedom,” just to see how they react. It’s funnier than you’d expect.

Maija: I come from a family of foodies, so my Thanksgivings taste weirder than I want them to. I bet they’re healthier but sometimes I’d really just like some stuffing from a box and canned cranberries because they taste good, like cooler ranch Doritos.

Serious relationships

Danny: This is a tough call. I enjoy being in a steady relationship through the entire fall season and all the way through the holidays — bringing dates to family events helps reinforce to my dad that I’m not gay despite how tight my T-shirts are. But it’s so hard to get out of a relationship by Valentine’s Day. This year I’m going alone, but I’ll wear a T-shirt with a beer slogan on it.

Maija: When summer is over, flings die down and people start getting serious because they want someone to cuddle with when it gets cold out. It’s also the start of the holiday season and there are many parties and events that you’re supposed to bring dates to. Luckily I don’t really like parties and I have a fucking meltdown every time I’m supposed to meet a guy’s mom, so hooray for being single. It also helps that I have an aversion to cuddling. Ask any guy at Northside Tavern. �

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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