So I was at the Reds game the other night and this 50-year-old lady sitting in front of me bent over to pick up a deshelled peanut from the ground. When she did this it showed off her lace thong. She then proceeded to eat the peanut that had just been sitting on the ground.
What’s worse? That I was turned on by an old lady’s thong or that I was envious that she got to eat the peanut that had just been sitting on the ground? I heard bacteria is a myth anyway.
— Quebert J. Smith, Downtown
P.S. Maija, if that is your real name, will you be my dirty peanut?
Quebs, there are so many things wrong with you I don’t even know where to start.
Actually I do. First, talking about bacteria like that is only going to make it mad. When you wind up with non-tampon-induced TSS, don’t ask me for advice on how to deal with multi-organ failure.
Second, guys who are “turned on” by thongs make me want to vom in my mouth. It shows a complete lack of intelligence, creativity and taste. What? Do you like blondes with big boobs too? Is your favorite food pizza? Do you like wearing jeans? You’re probably some YP spiky-haired Acqua Di Gio-doused dbag who hunts for surgically preserved Real Estate agent ladies at public sporting events.
Saying you like a 50-year-old in a lace thong is like an indie dude saying he likes girls in boyshorts or Asians. It’s so predictable it makes me want to get my tubes tied. And do you know how many shoes and baby diapers have been on the ground at that stadium? That woman’s probably dead now. I know those bags of peanuts are super expensive, but seriously.
Are you pissed because you spent two hours filling out your free eHarmony personality profile only to find out it costs money to make it public? Fuck that. email@example.com