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Sept. 2-8: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · September 9th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY SEPT. 2
Sometimes it’s difficult for white men to really understand how hard it is to break through a glass ceiling (can’t you just smash it with a broomstick and try not to get cut when you climb up?). One organization that has proven over centuries that it won’t tolerate its womens speaking out or breaking anything is the Catholic church, which today reinforced its stained glass ceiling by banning a nun who supports the ordination of women priests. The church said such a belief is a direct violation of the Vatican’s teachings, which base male priesthood on the gender of the Apostles that Jesus chose to ghostwrite the book about his life. Pro-reform Catholics have argued that it wasn’t women’s fault that most of them couldn’t read when it was time to write the Bible and that if given the chance Mary Magdalen would have written much smoother prose than Peter’s drunk ass.

THURSDAY SEPT. 3
Do you or someone you know spend all day texting and getting Facebook and Twitter updates on your cell phone even though it makes you look like a freak? You could be Maija Zummo an Internet addict, and the only way to be cured is to go to the first-ever Internet addiction treatment center, which recently opened outside of Seattle. The 45-day program costs $14,000 and promises to cure addicts of even the most obsessive computer use, including video game addiction, overt Facebook flirting and buying electronics on eBay even though you know it’s a scam. Executive Director Hilarie Cash said this type of treatment has been needed for more than a decade but wasn’t as desired until Microsoft released Vista and made people want to use their computers less.


FRIDAY SEPT. 4

With growing job loss hurting American families faster than The Enquirer can Twitter that a local person made it on Survivor, our local leaders today took it upon themselves to end weeks of shit-talking and save 166 government jobs.

Mayor Mark Mallory delayed the scheduled layoffs for a week due to the nature of the political process, which requires that all sides act like huge dickbags for as long as possible before agreeing to a reasonable compromise, and today he and the council majority unveiled their secret plan to actually not fire anyone. The deal was only reached after three heated council meetings and will be finalized within the next week providing the police accept certain concessions and don’t tazer anyone on council’s kids before then.

SATURDAY SEPT. 5
We at WWE! have never had kids because we only date liberals and they don’t believe us when we say that our children will be really good at soccer if they’d stop having abortions and just raise one of them. So we might not be the best people to judge whether or not it’s right for the President of the United States to make a speech telling kids to work hard and stay in school. But with Obama’s obviously slanted message scheduled for broadcast on Tuesday, conservative leaders are letting school boards know what their constituents think of it. The most common responses reported to date are: “Hell naw,” “Mofucker spreadin’ a liberal agenda” and “Next thing you know my daughter will be dating one of ‘em.”

SUNDAY SEPT. 6
Sometimes the news is so funny you just have to stop and think, “Why would somebody do that?!? He must have been so poor!” Other times you hear about animals dying and say, “Dang. Why couldn’t that have been a person I don’t like.” The latter occurred today when the Cincinnati Zoo’s 21-year-old Sumatran rhino Emi died. Emi was described as a crowd favorite who enjoyed living in neat-looking cages, pooping in new areas and snacking on the occasional Starburst thrown into the exhibit by a little kid. Emi is survived by three calves, Andalas, Suci and Harapan. A visitation is scheduled for Wednesday next to the monkey cages.

MONDAY SEPT. 7
Those of us who have been waiting months for Barack Obama to introduce legislation that would make the cable company stop turning commercial volumes up so loud are getting pretty sick of all this health care stuff (we already have insurance — and cable!). But our dreams of seizure-free DVR-watching were put on hold for yet another day when Obama spent today hanging out in Cincinnati, praising unions for helping to earn Americans paid leave, minimum wage and Social Security and asking for union help in affecting health care reform. Obama, who took his tie off for the speech so he could look like a union worker, said toward the end of his speech that the administration will further explain the benefits of the public option in a new series of TV ads that will be loud as fuck.

TUESDAY SEPT. 8
There are a lot of touchy questions in life: How old are you? How much do you weigh? Why does your SUV have a truck bed sticking out of it and what the hell does that “Celebrate Hetero Pride” sticker mean? The Washington Post today posed a similarly risqué question when it asked 100 people in Washington how much money they make. Salaries ranged from J.W. Marriott Jr.’s $9.9 million salary as CEO of Marriott International to a panhandler who makes $20 a day. Also included were Hillary Rodham Clinton ($191,300 she doesn’t need), The Rev. Patrick Riffle ($22,254 he doesn’t spend) and a crappy infielder for the Washington Nationals baseball team ($400,000 he doesn’t deserve).


DOES CONFESSING YOUR SINS TO A DUDE MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE? SEND THEM TO US. WE'LL FORGIVE YOU: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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