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Scared but Happy in Madeira

By Maija Zummo · September 2nd, 2009 · Dear Maija

Dear Maija,

I am seriously afraid of monsters. I hate scary movies, Halloween and freaky looking people. Well, the other day I went to my friend’s house to watch reruns of Sex and the City, and she turned on this crazy new show about vampires and like five minutes into it there was full-on sex! I was like, “Oh my goodness! That man is sexy but his teeth are F’d up!”

So anyway, now we’re watching the show every week and I’ve begun having nightmares about vampires, but I don’t mind because before they scare the shit out of me I get to see them with their shirts off. My main problem is that my boyfriend can tell I’m having nightmares and if I tell him why he might stop walking with me into the basement when I need to get something at night (he hates doing that).

Is there any way to keep True Blood in my life and still passive-aggressively control my boyfriend?

— Scared but Happy in Madeira

Your boyfriend has obviously never seen True Blood. It’s basically mythological porn. I used to hate it because everyone else was losing their shit over it and I try to keep a pessimistic distance from things other people buy into, like Adam Sandler movies, Twitter and bread. Also, there were too many boobs.

Now, if I knew a guy who had a big screen TV and HBO on demand, I’d probably try to sleep with him just so I could catch up on season two. Because your boyfriend sounds like a controlling dick, you should teach him a lesson. If I were you, I’d post a “casual encounter” ad on Craigslist looking for lonely people, goths and/or sadists who would be willing to dress up like characters from True Blood and other famous vampires, including Tom Cruise, to sit in your basement. Then, the next time you need something from down there, make him go get it and lock him in with those freaks. Let him spend a couple of nights tied up surrounded by people speaking in bad Southern accents and feeding off his femoral artery. He’ll resurface with a newfound respect for you, the shirtless undead and his own distrust of basements.

You don’t need passive aggression when you can control people through fear! Just ask that lady who was stuck in that guy’s backyard labyrinth for 18 years.

Follow me: @vampgirl,



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