WEDNESDAY AUG. 19
With the school year rapidly approaching, most kids are spending their last days of freedom hanging with their buddies and saying things like, “Goddammit, I fucking hate school.” President Obama is hoping to change this youthful attitude with a back-to-school special starring himself, basketball star LeBron James and former-talent-show-winner-now-star Kelly Clarkson. In the special, set to air Sept. 8 on many a Viacom station (MTV needs kids to at least get to high school so it can document how stupid they are then), Obama will urge students to set their own goals and get involved in school. Interest in the show has been heightened by the most recent trailer, which showed LeBron convincing Republicans to accept health care reform and Barack slam dunking from the free throw line.
THURSDAY AUG. 20
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Someone with a section 8 housing voucher in Hyde Park. Someone with a section 8 housing voucher in Hyde Park who? Someone with a section 8 housing voucher in Hyde Park who is going to kill you. A similarly stupid exchange took place last week after lawyer Robert Newman accused the Cincinnati Metropolitan Housing Authority of discriminatory practices, only to have the chairman of the housing authority board, Arnold Barnett, decide to buy more section 8 property in Hyde Park because that’s where Newman lives. Newman, who said he welcomes the housing authority in his neighborhood, argued that section 8 isn’t to blame for people in Westwood doing crazy things and said that if those families lived in Hyde Park they’d go to wine bars and run every day just like their new neighbors.
FRIDAY AUG. 21
It’s one thing for Americans to lose to Mexico in soccer or to be unable to eat many of that nation’s spicy foods, but at least most of us keep trying these things despite the fact that they make us look like pussies. The AP reported today that our southern neighbors have once again taken a lead over most Americans, as Mexico City today enacted a ban on non-biodegradable plastic bags, becoming the second-largest city in the Western Hemisphere (big ups, San Francisco) to force people to carry their shit in something that won’t exist forever.
Achim Steiner, executive director of the United Nations Environment Program, says the whole plastic bag problem was made clear to Americans by Kurt Vonnegut in the ’70’s but no one took him seriously because he drew buttholes on half the pages of his books.
SATURDAY AUG. 22
We at WWE! love sports — we think that home runs and touchdown dances and players Twittering during games are all totally awesome. So we weren’t too worried to learn today that the sales tax revenues we agreed to pay for our sports stadiums are coming in way lower than planned and are threatening to cut into a property tax rollback. Other people are concerned, which is why the Hamilton County Commissioners will vote later this year on whether or not to renew the rollback, but it’s not looking good because they’ve already borrowed $5.5 million from an emergency fund to pay for it this year. Commissioner Todd Portune, who says he hates to hurt the Bengals because he used to love watching Ickey Woods do his little dance, suggested that the Bengals pay for their own stadium and then residents can use their $65 tax credits on tickets to watch their shitty team play.
SUNDAY AUG. 23
Those of us who today read the Enquirer headline, “Digital world only changes what’s been going on since nation’s birth,” thought to ourselves, “Dang, man. That’s heavy.” But it turns out that the editorial, written by Editor Tom Callinan, argues that the digitization of shit-talking has only made it more noticeable, not less offensive. Callinan cited Federalist William Cobbett of Philadelphia’s Porcupine’s Gazette, who once got so ill on an adversary that he called him a “vile old wretch,” a term that at the time caused anger and embarrassment rather than the humor it does today. The point of Callinan’s well-researched and grammatically impressive piece (he used the words "vitriol," "boorish" and "whom"!) was that The Enquirer will now hide its reader comments section behind a link that says “Read Comments” so normal people don’t have to read childish things like, “David Pepper’s bike plan can suck my balls.”
MONDAY AUG. 24
Cash for Clunkers was a popular car-buying stimulus program signed into law by President Obama in 2009 to boost the economy and reduce auto emissions. The program was popular among automakers and people who owned inefficient cars and could afford a car payment if they got a discount on a new one. The Cash for Clunkers program ended at 8 p.m. today. It is survived by thousands of appreciative middle-class auto buyers, several hundred thousand tons of smashed SUVs and dozens of stimulus programs that no one has heard of.
TUESDAY AUG. 25
Even the most reasonable parents will allow little Billy to scoop a couple spoonfuls of sugar on top of his Corn Flakes in the morning before school (it’s not like they have to supervise him during first period), but a new report by the American Heart Association says that it might not be a good idea for mom and dad to do the same. The report says that women should limit their intake of sugar to 100 calories per day, while men are allowed 150 calories because they’re bigger and spend their days lifting heavy things and socking each other after gay jokes. The estimates don’t include the sugar found naturally in fruits, vegetables and dairy products because humans have eaten these things for thousands of years.
Did your neighbor recycle a clunker that was better than your car? E-mail the make, model and asshole’s name to: firstname.lastname@example.org