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Aug. 5-11: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · August 12th, 2009 · Worst Week Ever!


There are many things that American politicians work hard to avoid — divisive issues, unprompted interviews and admitting how much their shiny shoes cost are high among their fears. But recent health care legislation has brought yet another controversial topic to the forefront: abortion (!). The AP reported today that the current legislation before Congress would allow government-sponsored health care to cover abortions, which is a change from the former policy of “no federal abortion funds unless your brother got you pregnant.” Many lawmakers would like to avoid floor votes this fall, though many are being swayed by critics who say the whole thing is an attempt to get poor people to have more abortions so there are fewer kids growing up and turning Honda Civics into racecars.


We all know there are major issues between Ohio and Kentucky stemming from the whole Civil War thing and how cool Newport thinks it is because it has an aquarium (fish? really?). These differences are still alive, as evidenced by today’s AP report noting that Ohio’s two Senators voted “Yes, indeed” for Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation to the Supreme Court while both of Kentucky’s voted “Naw.” Much of the divide has been attributed to Sotomayor’s liberal definition of the Second Amendment — the thought of which scares Kentuckians more than ghosts and aliens combined — though her “wise Latina” comment also gave Southerners pause because they thought it sounded racist.


For most Cincinnatians, Thursday night was just another successful evening of ignoring our local government’s incompetence through the beauty that is Thursday night network television. But for those who went to City Hall and watched a specially scripted City Council meeting, it was kind of weird. The Enquirer reported today that council aides before the meeting created a list of questions to ask City Manager Milton Dohoney about his plan to eliminate 138 police officers.

The memo stated that if Dohoney acknowledged that an officer could potentially make more in salary than the mayor that the questioner should pull his or her shirt over the head and yell “That’s wild! That’s wild!” The situation has spawned cries of “union-busting” from propolice voices, though one person in attendance said Leslie Ghiz was only cursing because she couldn’t get eBay to work right on her Blackberry.


William Shakespeare once wrote, “After your death you were better to have a bad epitaph than their ill report while you live.” Though most of us don’t know what the fuck that means, people in Dayton have taken unkindly to their city being described as “dying” by a Forbes magazine list last year — so much so that some residents are spending their forced breaks from employment trying to change Banned the perception. Civic leaders convened today to discuss ways to spur economic development and/or curb the decline by turning vacant lots into parks in order to increase property values. The author of the Forbes article said he didn’t mean to insult the dying towns and that he’s from the Midwest himself and would be happy to move back if their economic, transportation and weather situations improved.


Bank robberies are sucky for everyone involved, from the terrified bank teller to the innocent customers to the people sitting in the fake office section who actually have an opportunity to make a break for it. The Enquirer reported today that Miami Township police are taking preventative measures by creating signs that will ask banking customers not to wear ball caps, sunglasses or hooded sweatshirts inside area banks. According to Police Chief R. Steven Bailey, the effort could put an end to the zero bank robberies that have occurred in the township this year the threat of someone robbing the bank and then looking like a guiltfree Kanye West as soon as he’s out the door.


We all knew that once Hillary Clinton was named secretary of state that it was only a matter of time before the White House’s scary red phone rang in the middle of the night and she was the only one awake to take the call (“Obama is asleep — you have to talk to me!!!”). But that’s not really anything like what happened today in the Congo, where a university student asked her what Bill Clinton thought about an international issue and she said, “Oh, no you didn’t.” Hillary said she would not be channeling her husband, that Bill was not secretary of state and that Al Gore did all the work getting those journalists free from North Korea and that Bill only went so he could eat his dinner with his shoes off.


We at WWE! are often scolded for the troublesome things we do at work, like misspelling words on purpose and e-mailing internal swine flu warnings every time a coworker buys Chipotle for lunch. But none of that is as bad as what the state of Ohio got in trouble for today when the state Supreme Court said Ohio needs to stop killing people so often. With one person scheduled to meet his maker every month through the end of this year, state public defenders are saying that there’s not enough time to do all the background work necessary before you kill someone in the name of all Ohioans. The ruling is a win for murderers, most of whom prefer living in jail to being killed because they have baseball on TV sometimes.




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