I’m writing to you regarding my neighbor and his goddamn dog. I work really hard to keep my lawn looking nice so my friends who are renters get jealous (I also have a 50-inch plasma TV and room on my Best Buy credit account for Blue-ray if I need it). This dog — some kind of pug/bulldog freak mix — goes straight to my greenest grass every time it has to take a poo, and it really builds up by the time I need to use the yard for my summertime tiki parties. I offered to use the remaining free space on my other credit card to pay for a shock collar that would only go around my yard, but the neighbors think it’s a weird idea. What the heck is wrong with them?
— Liberty Township Poop Shoe
You can’t stop dogs from shitting.
That’s one of three (sometimes four) basic functions they perform. They 1) eat 2) sleep and 3) shit. Sometimes they 4) shed, which is involuntary so I’m not really going to blame them for it. Usually the small white ones don’t shed. That’s nice.
But, Poop Shoe, you can’t actually stop dogs from doing anything, especially pooping, even if you do that Cesar Milan finger-snap shhh thing. I have three of them and they’re all assholes. They shit in my house. They shit in my garden. My Chihuahua even shit in my bed once, like under my covers. I mean dogs are great and everything. They add a lot to your life. But in reality they live for a long time (like 12 years usually), they’re really expensive (wtf, vets), you frequently come home to puddles of unidentifiable bodily fluids (what is that yellow foamy barf?) and you can’t do anything cool (like spend the night at other people’s houses).
So understand that owning a dog is punishment enough for your neighbor. That and the fact they have to witness your tiki parties. Stop complaining and use the remaining free space on your credit card to buy some biodegradable poop bags from PetSmart and clean it up yourself. For real.
I don’t know even know what Blue-ray is,
If you want to pay Maija to walk or babysit your dog, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Not a joke. I need money.